Jokes

[53flyingcloud]

This is a true story, sad but true.
A few years ago,while visiting my 'black sheep' sis-in-law, who was recouperating from an elective operation~
She was lamenting the point that no-one felt sorry for her pains.
In my efforts to cheer her up,
I said. "Would you like to hear a good news/ bad news joke?"
She replied, "Yes".......
I then related this medical report to her, "The good news out of the JAMA was, that the doctors have prefected the surgery to transplant human brain." To which, she asked," What's the bad news?"
I said."The BAD NEWS IS, THEY HAVEN'T FOUND A 'ONE CELL' DONOR FOR YOU YET!!"
She was slightly slow to catch on but......when she did..
Threw me out of her room..
lmao

[canny_banjo_man]

Hi Vern....
Sorry 2b the one 2 ask....but that IS NOT why A/Ss are GREY...IS IT...lol.
...Chris.....

[AIR-Quarius]

...a tour bus driver was delivering an elderly group on his tour bus one time and during the route, a little old lady tapped him on the shoulder and offered him a handful of roasted peanuts, inwhich he gladly took and munched them up. Alittle while later came another hand full, and then another and another after that...why do you buy the peanuts if you don't eat them? he asked........well us old ladies can't eat the peanuts, we just love to suck the chocolate off of them!

[FordTruck]

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen >and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
"Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was pretty good, too.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.



21stcentury Abbot & Costello
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1."
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even Part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping - you have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(LATER)

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??
ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........

A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Dont use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend the party because you're not in the mood.
16. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" --- "3rd time this week!!!"
17. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
18. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."


A little Texas wisdom:

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.......The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading, the few who learn by observation and the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Bridge to Hawaii
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No....think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"

A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone with a problem.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" he asks.
"A big rooster," she replies.
"All right," he says, "I'll come over and have a look."
When he arrives, she thanks him for coming over and leads him over to the kitchen table where she has it laid out. He looks at the jigsaw, then looks at her and says, "Oh for Christ's sake - put the Cornflakes back in the box!"
A man comes home from work one day and finds his neighbor standing in the yard holding a shovel, looking very sad. The man says to his neighbor “Why so sad?” The neighbor responds, “I just buried my pet Goldfish.” The man looks at the ground and says “That’s a might big hole for a Goldfish” and the neighbor says “It’s inside your freakin’ cat”.


If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be
pure ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing
and pout..! .run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle
them gently.
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

[Jimarq]

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking..........

Scared the &$%# out of me!
So that's it, no more reading!!


New Year's Wishes:

May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastro-enterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber and the I.R.S.

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

May New Year's Eve find you seated around the table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends. May you find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.

May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them. May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.

May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, may the commercials on TV not be louder than the program you have been watching, and may your check book and your budget balance -
and include generous amounts for charity.

May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child, your parent, your siblings; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.

[joe3957]

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotchman are at a pub and order a round of Guinness. Just as the ales are set down a fly lands in each pint. The Englishman slides his pint back to the barkeep with a look of disdain.
The Irishman reaches in to the foam and plucks the fly out, proceeding to drink his brew. The Scot reaches in grabs the fly between thumb and finger and squeezes over his glass shouting "spit it out!"

I believe I will go have a pint.

[eubank]

Originally Posted by 53flyingcloud

This is a true story, sad but true. ...
I said."The BAD NEWS IS, THEY HAVEN'T FOUND A 'ONE CELL' DONOR FOR YOU YET!!"
.... lmao

So I guess she's ... one neuron short of a synapse?

Lynn

[greywolf]

Originally Posted by joe3957

I believe I will go have a pint.

Everyone has to believe in something, I believe I'll have have a beer as well. After all "It's better to have a bottleinfrontofme than a frontal labonomie"!

[N2XBW]

Is a FAT KIDNEY DOCTOR a Meaty-Urologist?

[N2XBW]

Kelly knocks on Fitzpatrick's door, and herself answers.
"Oh, Missus",he sadly begins, "Fitzpatrick himself drowned today in the beer vat down at the brewery."
"Well, did he at least go quickly?" she implored of Kelly.
"Well, quick enough considerin' he got out twice to pxxx."

[N2XBW]

Billy O'Brien and his son Francis sat hunkered over their ale in Hartigan's Pub.

Billy hoists his glass, takes a draught and proclaims to all within earshot, "Aye son, a terrible thing it is do be dying of the AIDS as I am now. Drink one last one with yur ol' man."

All eyes turned toward, then quickly away as the other patrons began to mumble amongst themselves. Sidelong glances abounding.

Shocked, Francis whispered to his father, "Da, why'd ya say such a thing like AIDS now when you know it's the bone cancer doin' ya in?"

The older man smiled and replied very quietly, "Look around yourself son, would ya want any of this lot messin' with yur mum when I'm gone?"

[N2XBW]

O'Riley came charging up the high street all in a lather.

"Did ya hear lads?" he quizzed Murphy and Doran, "There was a car burned right up in Darby Road!"

"Who then?" begged Doran, "What happened?"

Replied the excited O'Riley,"They say it was the cat-o-li-tic converter!"

"Well now," smiled Murphy, "Served the bugger right then!"

[N2XBW]

A polar bear walks into McDonalds and says to the counter kid, "I'll have a double cheeseburger, large fries, and ........................................................................................ ........................................ a Coke."

The kid asks, "What's with the big pause?"

The bear answers, "I dunno, guess I've always had them."

[Crusty]

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby. "
"Really!? Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown"

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything! while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy,
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but It's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that". I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

[Fyrzowt]

Those are funny!

[N2XBW]

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water .

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell .

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out .

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned .

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house .

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back .

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day .

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

[N2XBW]

A Fond Goodbye…

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the
worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with
trembling hands.

"Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom
and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings,
tattoos, her skin-tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am. But it's not only the passion... Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns an old Airstream
trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the
other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. You
taught me well. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get
to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your son,
Rick

P.S. Dad, None of the above is true. I'm over at Tom's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are way worse things in life than
the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home."

[N2XBW]

There's a new paint on the market. It's called "Blonde"
It's not very bright but it spreads easy.

[Fyrzowt]

Originally Posted by N2XBW

There's a new paint on the market. It's called "Blonde"
It's not very bright but it spreads easy.

You're always on the edge....

[N2XBW]

An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm. He had a large pond in the back which was deep enough for swimming, so He fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, some apple and peach trees, and his precious Airstream trailer.

One evening the old fellow decided to go down to the pond, as he Hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with Glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a group of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.

He rattled the bucket to make the women aware of his presence. Immediately they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you-all leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up and banging on the side he said, 'I'm just here to feed the 'gators.'