Jokes

[N2XBW]

THE QUEST FOR INNER PEACE

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and never finished.'

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning,

I finished off 23 Buds, a bottle of Absolut, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

[strmstr69]

Ya' know how some people spell "farmer"? E-I-E-I-O


iF A mandolin player is nervous, how can you tell?

Why did the chicken cross the road? That's where he parked his "coup".

Hey ladies, ever had a permanent? Where is it now?

Why are there more horses butts in the world than there are horses?

[345bill]

Originally Posted by N2XBW

THE QUEST FOR INNER PEACE

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and never finished.'

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning,

I finished off 23 Buds, a bottle of Absolut, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

Ahhhhhhhh Yes.......Buds then the munchies!

[N2XBW]

Q. What is the difference between a Mercedes and a dead hooker?

A. I don't have a Mercedes in my garage.

I know... Sick, sick sick!

[Isadora]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved
by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his
freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur
would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he
still had no answer, he would be put to death

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would
perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it
seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he
accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess,
the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with
everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would
have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk
to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to
agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the
Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only
one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had
never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a
terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with
Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life
and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's
question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her
own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a
great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and
Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a
horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited
him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the
bed.. The astounded

Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she
appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed
self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman
to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his
castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch
during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy
wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you
scroll down below. OKAY?






Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice
herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the
time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of
her own life.

Now ...what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down ...........

The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

[N2XBW]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed , and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

'Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

[N2XBW]

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One young woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there a real MAN on this plane who can make me feel once like a real WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped....

Then, he spoke...

'Iron this, Hon, and then get me a beer.'

[N2XBW]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."


The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two a--holes.'

'What? He had two a--holes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never really seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'Look, there goes Bubba with them two a--holes.'

[N2XBW]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'


At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.


The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds
and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the fellow. "There's no money in that account.'

"I know,' said the old scamp, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

[N2XBW]

Then there was the guy who made it big in the ice cube industry....
until he accidently misplaced the recipe,

[N2XBW]

Once upon a time there was a quiet village with happy, prosperous people and just enough monkeys to keep things lively.

One day, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. Some even began to raise them while neglecting their other animals and crops. The man sold monkey food to those raising them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers slowed their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey. Many more began to raise monkeys. The man sold more monkey food.

This higher price renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply of monkeys diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The people raising monkeys were becoming very rich, so others copied them. The man had to send to the city for more monkey food to sell everyone. The food began to cost a lot more.


The offer increased to $25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a wild monkey, let alone catch it! The villagers raising monkeys redoubled their efforts, and purchased more of the now very expensive monkey food.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! Now everyone was raising monkeys and buying food at a huge price.

The man announced he had to go to the city to buy more monkey food, so his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.


In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I'll tell you what I'll do. I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

That night the assistant quietly left the village. The people never saw the man nor his assistant again, only thousands and thousands of
very hungry, mischievous monkeys everywhere!

The people were very upset so they called for the king. When the king came, he saw all the monkeys at their mischief. He laughed and laughed at the naughty monkeys and the foolish people..

Now you have a little better understanding of how Wall Street works.

[N2XBW]

COMMON TOOLS DEFINED

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the Airstram carefully parked well out of the way.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh s***..."

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. Melts large holes in thin aluminum skin.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the recycle bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need

[N2XBW]

WHY BRITISH WEAR RED COATS


A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.

During one battle, the French captured an English Colonel.They took
him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, "Why do you
English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you
easier targets for my men to shoot at?

In his bland English way, the officer informed the General that the
reason English Officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood
won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army Officers wear
brown pants

[N2XBW]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell everyone that the word is sternum."

[N2XBW]

You are on a crowded bus when you suddenly realize you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you realize, you have been listening to your ipod.

[AIR-Quarius]

After retiring, I went to Social Security to get an application...a lady behind the counter asked for my drivers license to verify my age...I had left my wallet out in the car and told her I'd be right back. But instead she stopped me and said to just open my shirt and reveal my chest hair-which is silver. She said that was proof enough. A little later, when I got home, I excitedly told my wife about the experience. She said,'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too....'

[N2XBW]

Musings of an old guy:

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
*****
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
*****
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
*****
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
*****
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
*****
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who
ride horses sidesaddle.
*****
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
*****
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
*****
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when
he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
******
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone
*****
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
*****
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
*****
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
*****
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
*****
How can there be self-help "groups"?
*****
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
*****
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show
you a man who can't get his pants off.
*****
Is it me--or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

[N2XBW]

* Comprehending Engineers-Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus
when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking
along yesterday minding my own business when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the
bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and
said, "Take what you want." "The second engineer
nodded approvingly, 'Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."

* Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the
pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer,
the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

*Comprehending Engineers-Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The
engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have
been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in,
"I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens
keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. say,
what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh,
yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost
their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said,
"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea.
And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy
and see if there's anything he can do for them." The
engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

*Comprehending Engineers-Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers
and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build
weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

*Comprehending Engineers-Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it
work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks,
"How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting
degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate
with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

*Comprehending Engineers-Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together
discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look
at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an
electrical engineer. The nervous system has many
thousands of electrical connections." The last one
said, "Actually it was a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a
recreational area?"

*Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke,
don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't
broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

*Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were
discussing whether it was better to spend time with
the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed
time with his wife, building a solid foundation for
an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed
time with his mistress, because the passion and
mystery he found there. The engineer said,
"I like both." Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a
wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are
spending time with the other woman, and you can go to
the lab and get some work done."

*Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog
called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn
into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up
the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one
week." The engineer took the frog out of his
pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you
want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at
it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog
asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week
and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have
time for a girl friend, but a talking frog......that's cool."

[AIR-Quarius]

One spring day, a fireman was out detailing his units' firetruck...He looked over and saw a little girl with a red wagon down the sidewalk....she had it fixed with little tiny ladders, and a bell along with a helmet she had on. Part of her set up included a dog tied to it with a leash for pulling,and a large cat with a line tied to its testicles....The fireman called over to her and said, 'You might go faster if you put a leash on the cat too...' She thought for a moment and said, 'Yeah but I wouldn't have a siren.'

[N2XBW]

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.