Jokes

[N2XBW]

Awesome Apple iPad Facts!
Posted: 11 Feb 2010 11:01 PM PST
Even though it hasn’t been released yet, our crack staff has been able to piece together a group of facts that you might not know, but need to know.

The idea for the iPad came to Steve Jobs in a dream that featured Ricardo
Montalban in a Jamba Juice uniform riding a unicycle while juggling Bea Arthur’s dentures and shouting out suggestions for future Apple products. The same dream gave him ideas for such yet-to-be-produced products as the iMommy, an app that lets you edit the collective unconscious, and a USB Fairy Net, for capturing fairies that try and steal data from your computer.

Apple has a team of people carefully collecting every complaint about the iPad, printing them out on high-quality paper, and then sending them to the executive washroom to be used as toilet paper.

The iPad has a hidden feature that uses the same text-correction technology that allows the iPhone to guess what word you mean when you misspell it, except that it uses its knowledge of your previous behavior to actually write emails and texts for you. You will never again be saddled with the responsibility of answering any email that you don’t want to answer: If you leave in the default setting, it will answer any written communication you receive. Two users who have this feature turned on could have an entire relationship and never know about it until they checked their mailboxes and discovered they were in love. You can also limit it to only answer emails from social media experts, family members you’d rather not talk to, and Pauly Shore.

It is so indestructible that every policeman will be required to use it for protection in the same way Wonder Woman uses her bullet-deflecting bracelets.
When warned by the Apple marketing department that people would make jokes about the similarities between the “iPad” name and the names of various feminine hygiene products, Steve Jobs replied, “Our iPad is going to be so famous they’re going to have to change their names to avoid being confused with us. Perhaps instead of maxi pads, they can call their products maxi-Zunes! Ha ha ha ha ha!” Then Jobs flicked a programmer’s ear really hard, over and over again, until the programmer cried.

In the manufacturing process, the iPad factory has a secret tub of mysterious, sparkling liquid that is reportedly labeled “Awesome Sauce.” Each iPad is filled with a dollop of it before the screen is slapped on. It is not an environmentally-safe product, and exposure to it may have contributed to the eventual painful deaths of more than 100 workers.

When the number of iPads sold has reached critical mass, a secret app will be triggered. Immediately, all the iPads in the world will join together into one giant robot called iPaddius Rex that will, after a short war with an inevitable ending, enslave the Earth. At first, we will all struggle and complain, mostly because the robot will have no camera and be unable to run Flash programs. Over time, we will come to love the robot, and the world will enter an extended period of peace and prosperity.
- David Wahl
Monkey Goggles

[overlander63]

A brown bear is relieving himself in the forest, and he notices a rabbit watching him. as the bear finishes, he asks the rabbit, "Mr. Rabbit, does crap stick to your fur?"
The rabbit smugly replies, "Why no, Mr. Bear, crap doesn't stick to my fur!"

So the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes himself with him...

[overlander63]

Three construction workers, one of them a blonde, were complaining about the contents of their lunch boxes. The first one said, "I hate ham and swiss cheese. If I get ham and swiss cheese again tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off this building!"
The second said, "All I ever get in my lunch is bologna. If I get bologna again tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off this building!"
The blonde said, "peanut butter and jelly again! If I get peanut butter and jelly again tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off this building!"

The next day the three workers met for their lunches. The first one opened his lunch box, saw a ham and swiss cheese sandwich, and jumped off the top of the building, screaming, to his death.
The second worker opened his lunch box, found a bologna sandwich, and also ran off the roof of the building to his death.
The blonde opened his lunch box, and of course saw a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and, like the first two, leaped to his death.

At the funeral, the first man's wife was crying hysterically, saying, "If I'd known how much he hated ham and cheese sandwiches, I'd have never made another one for him!"
The second man's wife cried, "If I'd only known how much he hated bologna, I'd have never made him eat all those sandwiches! It's all my fault!"
The other two women then turned to the blonde's wife, who said, "Don't look at me! He made his own lunch!"