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Old 02-09-2009, 12:20 PM   #407
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In the 60's, people took acid to make the world feel weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it feel normal.
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Old 02-09-2009, 12:55 PM   #408
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...Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it feel normal.

Gee, I thought I was the only one...
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Old 02-09-2009, 01:01 PM   #409
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Gee, I thought I was the only one...

What!!...there are others? who'da thunk it.
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Old 02-09-2009, 05:08 PM   #410
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What!!...there are others? who'da thunk it.
Looks like we have a quorum!
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Old 02-14-2009, 08:14 PM   #411
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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph.'

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

''Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....

'Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You've **** the bed!'

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Old 02-24-2009, 09:02 AM   #412
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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out.
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Old 02-24-2009, 10:02 AM   #413
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Black leather dress!

Do you know that when a woman wears a black leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???

Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new golf bag!
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Old 02-27-2009, 01:15 PM   #414
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A DINER near here is celebrating the birth of the OCTUPLETS with a BREAKFAST SPECIAL

It’s 8 eggs, NO sausage, and somebody else pays for it!
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Old 02-27-2009, 06:43 PM   #415
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A DINER near here is celebrating the birth of the OCTUPLETS with a BREAKFAST SPECIAL

It’s 8 eggs, NO sausage, and somebody else pays for it!
Does it also come with a slice of fruitcake?

"No sausage..."

"Somebody else pays for it..."
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Old 02-27-2009, 07:23 PM   #416
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Does it also come with a slice of fruitcake?

"No sausage..."

"Somebody else pays for it..."

Glad you liked it!
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Old 02-27-2009, 07:50 PM   #417
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A DINER near here is celebrating the birth of the OCTUPLETS with a BREAKFAST SPECIAL

It’s 8 eggs, NO sausage, and somebody else pays for it!


Reminded me of the picture I saw a long time ago: Hillary Special sign on a KFC somewhere.
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Old 02-28-2009, 05:24 AM   #418
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What's the difference between Corn Huskers and Corn Flakes?

Corn Flakes make it to a bowl.
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Old 03-10-2009, 08:56 AM   #419
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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
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Old 03-10-2009, 12:45 PM   #420
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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
Hope they lived in a community property state!
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