A Very Different Kind of Life

[Lily&Me]

And so, as I'm looking for signs that Doug's spirit is around me, and asking him to give them, I get them. He is here, and wants me to know.

When we were home , always late October to mid-January or so, and a couple of stretches thru the spring and early summer, we subscribed to the 2-out-at-a-time DVD subscription through Netflix.

Doug being a huge fan of all things old....including movies and movie stars....Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall were two of his favorites.

We own "Casablanca", and have watched it together more times than I could count. We had had "Key Largo" at the top of our Netflix list the last couple of years, but there was always a "very long wait".

Some time after I returned home in mid-March, I restarted Netflix and saw that it was now "a short wait".

2 movies already out, sitting here, waiting to be watched, I got an email from Netlix that Key Largo was available from a nearby facility and was being sent to me.....in spite of the fact that I already had two out.

Here it is, the 2-month anniversary of Doug's death, and one of his favorite movies of all time....which we had never seen together....has arrived.

A sign? I choose "yes", and believe we will watch this together later today.


Maggie

[DIR1]

I'm with you...yes...

[Gene]

Maggie,

Since Barb and I retired in 2000, we've been together virtually every day—she took a few trips to see her parents while I worked on something at home, and a few nights away with some lady friends. That sure felt weird after being with her all the time. We, like you, have travelled all over and travel well together. Now we are remodeling another house together, and when the work gets frustrating, we can give each other a pep talk.

I know not every couple wants to be together all the time, but to be with my best friend, lover and companion all the time is wonderful. Not every day is blissful, but after 28 years together we have figured out how to get through bad moments. I understand what you have had and have an inkling of what you are missing.

Life will not be the same, but it can be good. Nevada awaits. Try out US 50, the Loneliest Road. The scenery is great, the road is good, and bring your own food. And then you can drive the Extraterrestrial Highway.

But, I must say "The Maltese Falcon" is the best of the Bogart movies.

Gene

[Lily&Me]

Thanks, Gene.

Being joined at the hip is not for everyone, but we did it pretty well and liked it most of the time. Had our moments, like everyone else, but felt it was a gift we shared together.

I watched Casablanca last night, and would like to think that Doug was next to me on the sofa. It was good, but lacked substance, IMO. If I remember what Doug has told me, this movie was the beginning of the Bogart-Bacall romance, and she was just 18, I think.

We have seen Maltese Falcon, but Casablanca is our favorite.

I am afraid of heights, and won't drive mountains, so don't know that I will get to Nevada. May be a route that avoids mountains, but I won't be thinking that direction any time soon.

I think there is some fear on the part of my kids that I will be 1,000 or more miles from home, become seriously ill, break a bone, etc., and need to be rescued. Doug was always there to take care of me when I tore the cartilage in my knee, had a close encounter with a wild burro at Custer State Park, sprained an ankle, etc.

Lily can do just so much, and doesn't drive, dump, fill the fresh water tank, etc. I will have to be especially careful with any solo travel I do.

Emma Grace, grandbaby who will be 7 in July, said today "This will be my first birthday without Grandpa". He was her favorite, and she misses him. "A year of firsts", my sister called it.

Yep.


Maggie

[Gene]

Maggie, I think the Bogart/Becall romance started into another movie—the one with 2 rich sisters, BeCall being one of them. I can't remember much more about it. Everyone was trying to manipulate everyone else. Becall was very sexy in it despite her tough gal persona.

Two routes west with less mountain driving—South Pass through Wyoming (I-80) is not bad. The "pass" is really flat and was part of the Oregon Trail. Or I-40 through NM and Arizona is not too bad. I do not care for height either and feel better when I am driving and in control. I'm pretty used to mountain roads so I do ok (I've driven 2 track, off camber mining roads with thousand foot dropoffs and my heart pounding, but the Going to the Sun Highway was the worst).

You are probably more capable than you fear you aren't. We learn all our lives from others by observing, otherwise we'd never learn to talk. Just watching Doug and listening to him, you know a lot—he was teaching you for now. You'll stumble a little, but you'll get it. Maybe Lily can drive—have you ever asked her?

Gene

[Lily&Me]

Lily says "no thank you".

Maybe some day, not just yet.



Maggie

[Lily&Me]

Had a bit of a meltdown yesterday, probably overdue.

A couple of things collided, and I just couldn't stop crying.

2 months.

Better today. A good nights sleep helps everything.

We have had a lot of rain here and weather has been quite warm. My grass seed is sprouting, new plantings are thriving, everything is green and lovely.

Bought a hanging fuchsia plant Saturday and put it where I can see it from my favorite chair. Mother's Day flowers for myself. So beautiful, and reminds me of Ireland, where fuchsia grow in huge bushes everywhere.

Lily to doggie day care today. I will run a few errands and take care of some choring needing done.

Hope spring is coming for everyone. Time to dust off your Airstream and get out there to enjoy.

Thanks for listening,


Maggie

[Minno]

Could you send the warmth our way? 48 degrees right now.... Things are growing but too much rain to cut grass, and too chilly to work in the flower beds! Oh well, it'll warm up eventually, right? Right? RIGHT?!!???

Kay

[Lily&Me]

I'll try.

Temps dropping from a high of 91 yesterday to low 60's today, and going to be much cooler before it gets warmer.

Still, my grass is sprouting and warm weather will eventually come and stay......for all of us.


Maggie

[Minno]

Sorry! I'm feeling a little desperate right now about our weather. Hopefully it will be warmer in Iowa for our rally this weekend. I'd be happy with low 60's.... I was able to get the pond partially mucked out on Saturday before the weather turned colder again (and I DO mean "mucked out"). Still a little afraid to plant any annuals.
The fuchsia sounds lovely, by the way. I'd love to see Ireland some day.
We'll hang in there for spring! Maybe even summer!

Kay

[Lily&Me]

You may get low 60's in Iowa this weekend. Supposed to clear up a bit.

Winter's last hurrah.


Maggie

[Lily&Me]

My computer-wizard son thinks Mom should go for grief counseling, because that's what you do when a loved one dies.

My social worker daughter, like her Mama, knows better. She calls me daily, we talk, she has never made this recommendation. The truth is....there is no single, one way to grieve, nor a cookie-cutter approach to dealing with the loss of a love. He's a good boy, but just views things more like a computer-wizard would.

Just to humor #1 child, I did google "how do you know if you need grief counseling" and discovered....I really don't, at least not at this point in time. It is tremendously helpful, tho, to read what is usual and customary to experience, and see yourself in there. We are all more alike than we are different.

I've had my moments and days, including what I now know are referred to as "grief attacks"...had one of those a few days ago (actually most of two days).....but am up and functioning well 99% of the time, which I think is pretty good. It helps to not be the puddle and heap type.

The only issue that has concerned me is sleep...which I took to my Doctor and he quickly and effectively resolved. I don't think grief counseling would address this in a timely manner, maybe over time. I needed sleep now, not in a few months.

Sent son a link to an article....they all pretty much said the same thing....just so he had an opinion other than mine, and promised if things deteriorate, I will join a group or something.

As I know for a fact that I am not the only grieving person on this thread, I thought that in the interest of helping those who have helped me, I would copy and paste the indicators that one needs to be thinking about some outside help.

We are all different, with varying strengths and weaknesses, and that is okay. Sometimes we become stuck in whatever, and need a bit of retooling from those that know more.

This is what I found:

Difference Between Grief and Depression

It is important to know the difference between grief and depression when deciding if you need professional help, like grief counseling, to help you through the grieving process. Serious clinical depression may require additional medical attention. The four stages of the grieving process can take months or years depending on how able you are to:

1. Accept the loss or event
2. Deal with the emotional and physical pain of the grief
3. Make adjustments to living alone, living with illness, or being temporarily unemployed
4. Move on with life

Throughout these four stages of grief, you may be clinically depressed and should seek counseling or medical attention if you experience any or all of these symptoms:

Weight loss or gain
Feeling of hopelessness
Moods of sadness and emptiness that last all the time
No energy and constant fatigue
Sleeping more than usual or not sleeping
Trouble making decisions, doing small tasks, or concentrating
Feeling guilty, worthless, or having low self-esteem
Aches and pains
Losing interest in what you enjoy doing
Avoiding contact with friends and family
Thoughts of suicide or death; attempted suicide


I think a bit of most of these, especially in the beginning, is to be expected.

May we all muster the strength to get up and go on, and find the inner wisdom to know when we can't do it by ourselves.


XO Maggie

[Lily&Me]

Chilly and raining these last couple of days, dropping the temp inside the house to 66 degrees yesterday.

The wood stove, and humidifier which sits atop, have been cleaned and painted, post-winter, and I refuse to dirty them by lighting a fire....although I certainly have plenty of firewood. So, turned on the trusty, back-up heat, which otherwise runs only during our cold-weather absences....the forced-air, gas furnace, off since I returned home March 14th. It does enough, and warm weather is scheduled to return soon.

It is Friday morning, when we always cleaned our little house together. I do it alone, talking to Doug as I do the dusting and vacuuming he always took care of. It's okay.

We loved our little house, and I find great comfort being within it, surrounded by prints and items we gathered during our travels, furniture we picked out and enjoyed, etc. Doug is everywhere in here, and it soothes me. I am happiest right now within these walls, surrounded by our life together.

I ordered some plants from a place called American Meadows, on sale, they arrived quickly and I can't wait to get them into the ground. I find myself befuddled at the nurseries, trying to figure out how big those little things will get and what they will look like where I want to put them. We'll try this, but will make at least one trip back to the befuddling nursery. My lavender has died and needs to be replaced, and I want to plant something against the new shed.

Camping season is up and running, folks are going to rallies and having a good time. Going to get the dewinterizing done next week, and the Interstate ready to head to Iowa for Memorial Day. The first time out in it since I've been home. It's time, and will be okay.

Doing okay, 2 months heading into 3.

Xo Maggie

[DIR1]

good morning Maggie...you're sounding good today... gardening is one of my favs too!! again, thanks for the updates... hugs from Oregon...gail

[Lily&Me]

Thank you, Gail. Hugs are good.

Hope some of you wonderful folks on these Forums, especially the ones I have never met, show up at a rally somewhere so I can meet you, get hugs in person, and thank you for your incredible kindness and support.

I do feel pretty good today, have the little house in order, some laundry done and the sun is shining off and on.

I find it very difficult to look and think beyond this day and a few ahead, into life and a bit of travel by myself. It will happen, and that may be when I can actually see it....when I'm in it.

Memorial Day in Iowa will be my first trip since I got home, then the Moraine View rally we have enjoyed so much.

Going to northern MN to visit one of my best friends some time early summer, also to Arkansas to spend time with my southern Mississippi cousin and his sweet wife, who have bought land and a cabin on a river there and extended an open invitation to me. I accept.


XO Maggie

[Stefrobrts]

Originally Posted by doug&maggie

I find it very difficult to look and think beyond this day and a few ahead, into life and a bit of travel by myself. It will happen, and that may be when I can actually see it....when I'm in it.

Memorial Day in Iowa will be my first trip since I got home, then the Moraine View rally we have enjoyed so much.

I think this is a great sign. I know each day is hard, but if you look ahead and have plans and things you want to do, that's what keeps people going. I hope we have a chance to meet you at a rally someday

[Lily&Me]

Thank you. I would like to meet you and so many others, as well.


Maggie

[Mockinbrd]

Originally Posted by doug&maggie

Thank you, Gail. Hugs are good.



Hope some of you wonderful folks on these Forums, especially the ones I have never met, show up at a rally somewhere so I can meet you, get hugs in person, and thank you for your incredible kindness and support.



I do feel pretty good today, have the little house in order, some laundry done and the sun is shining off and on.



I find it very difficult to look and think beyond this day and a few ahead, into life and a bit of travel by myself. It will happen, and that may be when I can actually see it....when I'm in it.



Memorial Day in Iowa will be my first trip since I got home, then the Moraine View rally we have enjoyed so much.



Going to northern MN to visit one of my best friends some time early summer, also to Arkansas to spend time with my southern Mississippi cousin and his sweet wife, who have bought land and a cabin on a river there and extended an open invitation to me. I accept.





XO Maggie

Good Afternoon Maggie,
Here' s another hug to add to your collection for the day. One from Gail, another from me = 2 hugs, so far for the day.

It's always good to read your posts, all of them.
I look forward to hearing about your trip to Iowa over Memorial Day. How long is that drive? Will you keep us posted "as” you drive there? I'd like that.

I'm off to do my morning dishes ( it's 3 PM) and finish a load of laundry.
You posted that your 'little house is in order', my thought was, wow, how lovely! LOL I've given up on domestic "order" in my little apartment. It's funny the mundane things I value when they constantly escape me. Maybe that will be my weekend goal, putting a little everyday, mundane, what's-the-big-deal, ... Order .... in my little apartment.
Have a good rest-of-the day,
Mockinbrd

[Lily&Me]

Thank you!

Keep thinkin' you may show up at Moraine View, Mockinbrd. You've been on that thread, so I'm going to look for you.

Where I need to be in Iowa is 4 1/2 hours or so from here. Depending on what is going on here, I am hoping to leave Sat, spend the night at a favorite overnight spot this side of Burlington, Iowa, then get on into Washington Sunday. I may post enroute, we'll have to see where I am and when.

My sister-in-law, one of the finest, most decent human beings ever to walk the earth, is having surgery on Tuesday to remove a growth of some sort in her inner ear. This woman is 61 years old and has had guardianship for years of her 3 grandchildren, as their mother is so far off the rails..... I am going up for her surgery and don't know when she will leave the hospital, but have invited her back to my house for a couple of days, to rest, recuperate and be waited on hand and foot. No one here but me and Miss Lily, nothing for her to feel like she must get up and do, so what better place?

So, may drop her off at home on Sunday and drive the whole thing at once, will have to see. My first visit back to the cemetery since the day after the funeral.


Maggie

[Lily&Me]

Some people need order and others don't, Mockinbrd.

I need order, my husband not so much. He liked piles of papers, magazines, books, etc., lots of small bits of paper he wrote notes on, all that. The back bedroom was his lair, where piles and bits were fine, because I didn't have to look at it too much. Every once in awhile, I would prod him to rid things out, vacuum, etc, and he would, for me.

Creating order out of chaos is what I do, who I am. Cannot survive in chaos, order can always be found, you just have to do it. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. Doug would say I'm a bit OCD....a bit.


Maggie