1975 31' Sovereign
Join Date: Sep 2005
Here's another good laugh for the day!!!
> If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
>syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, this story will
>have you laughing out loud!
> Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
> Here's what happened:
> Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
>"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
>"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can
> I put my best lizard-healer look on my face and followed him into
>his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
>stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at
>th e lizard!"
> "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
> "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie,
> I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said
>we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
> "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
>inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
> "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in
>my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
> "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
> "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
>she informed me (again with the sarcasm, I think.).
> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going
>on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. " Kids, this is going to
>a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
> "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
> "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a
>litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do
>think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
> We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like
>a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
> "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
> "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
> "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
> "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when
>it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried
>more times with the same results.
> Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
>could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
>in my house?)
> "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
>with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe!" he
> "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
>can be so cruel to their own young. I mean, what she does to me is one
>thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
> The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
>little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a
>C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
> "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
>speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step
> "Is Ernie going to be okay? " m y wife asked.
> "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.
>In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie
>a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male
>species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his
>back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying,
> We were silent, absorbing this.
> "So Ernie's just...just...excited," my wife offered.
> "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
> More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And
>giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
> "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
>woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
> Tears were n ow r unning down her face.
> "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...
>its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
> "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly
>bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything
>going to be okay.
> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he
> "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
> 2 Lizards - $140...
> 1 Cage - $50...
> Trip to the Vet - $30...
> Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker.....Priceless!
75 Sovereign (Peppy)
03 Chevy HD (lil Peppy)