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Old 05-28-2008, 09:26 AM   #641
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BRADENTON, On The Picturesque and Sunny West Coast of Florida, , USA, PLANET EARTH, MILKY WAY, LOCAL GROUP, SPIRALING SLOWLY THROUGH THE UNIVERSE
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If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cared, why is there a song about it?

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Old 05-28-2008, 01:31 PM   #642
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"Press to test" <click> "Release to detonate"
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Old 05-29-2008, 12:40 PM   #643
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Well, that's just slicker'n snail snot.
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Old 05-30-2008, 05:55 PM   #644
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just a little redneck wisdom i made up . . . so it's not famous, but it's good advice none the less:

Always Stand Under, And Never Drink a Canopy
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Old 05-30-2008, 10:02 PM   #645
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"Jeez, I hope my wife doesn't find out about that!"
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Old 05-31-2008, 01:46 PM   #646
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aage
"Jeez, I hope my wife doesn't find out about that!"
I sn't that more of a "Famous Last Words" line?
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Old 05-31-2008, 03:00 PM   #647
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Yeah, you must know my wife. She still introduces me at parties as her "first husband".
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Old 05-31-2008, 05:21 PM   #648
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My buddy always refers to his Ex as "certain of my former wives".
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Old 06-16-2008, 07:28 AM   #649
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The difference between a politician and the devil is that the devil always keeps his promise ~ Henry Drummond
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Old 06-16-2008, 09:41 AM   #650
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"Ninety-nine percent of baseball is half mental." -- Yogi Berra
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Old 06-16-2008, 02:37 PM   #651
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42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. ~ Larry The Cable Guy
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Old 06-16-2008, 02:45 PM   #652
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"Nobody goes there anymore cause the place is too crowded" -- Yogi Berra (yes, I know, "again"!)
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Old 06-16-2008, 02:49 PM   #653
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Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.” ~ Henry Louis Mencken
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Old 06-16-2008, 04:15 PM   #654
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"It's a combination of Alzheimers and Deja Vu - I keep thinking I forgot this before."
-- Anon.
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Old 06-17-2008, 04:32 PM   #655
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A whiskey glass and a womans a$$ made a horses a$$ out of me.
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Old 06-18-2008, 01:22 AM   #656
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Quote:
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A whiskey glass and a womans a$$ made a horses a$$ out of me.
Well, it's like the advice my father gave to me... upon entering into a saloon, eye the place around and pickout what has to be the ugliest woman in the joint. Latter on, you know yo've gotten hammered enough when she starts to look real good to you, then you know it's time to high tail it out of there!

The problem is that by then you're telling yourself, "I'm not as think as I drunk I am!"

By now the 3 phases of liquere are taking affect...
Phase one: you think you are good looking
Phase two: you believe you are bullet proof
Phase three: you believe you are invisible! Notice how you can't see the last smiley man? He's there, you just can't see him!!
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Old 06-29-2008, 08:02 AM   #657
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I'm so broke I couldn't afford a glass eye for a hummingbird! ~ Uncle Floyd
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Old 06-29-2008, 11:40 AM   #658
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...so broke, I can't pay attention.
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Old 06-29-2008, 02:09 PM   #659
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Things are so bad here, even the birds have bills!
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Old 06-29-2008, 05:57 PM   #660
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It's hard to beat Mark Twain for timeless thoughts that are as meaningful today as 100 years ago...a few of my favorites:

Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish.

Get your facts first and then you can distort them as much as you wish.

An ethical man is a Christian holding four aces.

Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.

The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

The man with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.

When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

The secret to success in life is to make your vocation your vacation.

If you have nothing to say, say nothing.

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else. This is not advice, it is merely custom.

I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming vices.

If I cannot smoke cigars in Heaven, I shall not go.

Let us endeavor to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds [Airstreams] than none at all.

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

There are three things which I consider excellent advice. First, don't smoke to access. Second, don't drink to excess. Third, don't marry to excess.

When one has tasted watermelon he knows what the angels eat.

-Mark Twain

-[Mexray]
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