Tough love doesn't have to be attack love. It's easy to say "you're worthless, useless, a waste of skin... or why can't you ever do anything I want? That is actually LESS bad than the constant message that you're always falling short. It takes years to get over the constant cringe that comes from never being able to do "enough".
Was is Shakespeare who called it "damning with faint praise?"
My mother was one of those people who was "thrifty" to a fault, not only with money but with kind words. I remember both of the ones she said to me.
If the only tool in your toolbox is a hammer, all of your problems start to look like nails. My mother could NOT say something nice if it didn't hurt someone else. Every time she got into my sister's car, mom had to announce how much nicer mine was because it had a helper handle. Of course when she was with me, she'd complain that Karen carried a stool to help her up and down.
I DO the "one day at a time" thing, and practice doing nicer things.
Here are a few guidelines.
- no compliment ends with "but" ....Well it's nice that you cleaned the living room, but why didn't you do hall and bath? is a putdown, NOT a compliment.
- no apology contains excuses, justifications or blaming the wronged party. It is a sneaky cowardly attack to say "the real problem is that you're just too sensitive. You're making a mountain out of a molehole".
- "I was wrong" are three of the most powerful words in the world. No one learns very much until they say them, No one dies because they admit that.
You can't recognize you need to change until you admit that what you did last time failed spectacularly.
I was wrong - is also a blunt truth. And oddly, it gets you OUT of trouble or even forgiven far more often than otherwise. (Just don't say it to a police officer who MIGHT give you a ticket, "I'm so sorry I just don't understand" works better there.)
Paula
, but was not speaking of parenting but of others, Jim.
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