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rebel beck · 03-31-2006, 08:04 AM

This is for all the Texas chili cook off folks
Subject: Fw: Chili Cook Off

THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING I HAVE READ IN A WHILE, I WAS CRYING BY THE END, AND GETTING LOTS OF LOOKS FROM MY CO-WORKERS.

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing th! ere at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ___ what the____is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting____-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. ____ is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3-- I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like ___ to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
ks.

wheel interested · 03-31-2006, 09:12 AM

That is pretty funny, but pretty true too! Our last trip West we went to Texas and Arizona and WHEW, some do like it hot! My husband always knows I am enjoying my food when my eyes water and the beads of sweat trickle down by my ears.

canny_banjo_man · 03-31-2006, 10:42 AM

..... Not funny, jus Brilliant, awesome... It was the Snow Cone that cracked Me up... Gosh I'm spillin My cup of TEA... That's a crime over here...LMAO...
FANX 4 that one...Chris.....

rebel beck · 03-31-2006, 12:01 PM

I really didn't know if I should share this some of the content and stuff but it was just so funny I couldn't resist. Sure hope if we get to go to a rally in the future I'm not known for the chili joke and barred from the rally.

Becky

BOBHASTINGS · 03-31-2006, 12:21 PM

Becky,

Best laugh I've had all month!! This one gets sent to my bud who grows his own peppers and belongs to a chili pepper club (no lie!)

Thanks for the belly laugh!!!

markdoane · 03-31-2006, 12:48 PM

That's hilarious!

I think we should also give a shout out to FrankR, who posted this joke exactly four years ago.

http://www.airforums.com/forum...okes-212.html?

Read the engineer & accountant joke too!

rebel beck · 03-31-2006, 01:48 PM

That's funny, I had a friend email it to me yesterday. It's amazing you remembered something posted 4 years ago.

Becky

Safari-Rick · 03-31-2006, 02:22 PM

Yea, It's been around for a while. BUT, I always get a laugh and feel good when I read it !

Happy Trails!
Safari-Rick

lewster · 03-31-2006, 07:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rebel beck

I really didn't know if I should share this some of the content and stuff but it was just so funny I couldn't resist. Sure hope if we get to go to a rally in the future I'm not known for the chili joke and barred from the rally.

Becky

Becky....it's TOO LATE................you're already notorious

. But you'll be more than welcome at any rally I attend!!!! ........especially if you try some of my.....chili

!

rebel beck · 03-31-2006, 08:34 PM

Lew,
Thanks, I don't feel so bad now.

Becky

early · 03-31-2006, 08:46 PM

Becky best laugh I've had in a while.

Dawn

j54mark · 03-31-2006, 09:08 PM

I actually lived through a somewhat similar experience some years back at a Cajun Trail Ride in Judice La. The event was located on a campground - a pasture actually, with no services of any kind provided. People brought everything they and their horses needed along with them. I was not a participant, but rather something of a hanger-on and had to forage for food.

The people, total strangers to me one and all, were amazingly hospitable. Invites to eat gumbo, jumbalai, and so forth were plentiful, but it was not ready until 9:00 - 10:00 pm. This was just as well because in the dark I was not able to actually see what was in the stuff. However, during daylight hours there was only a single vendor on the site, peddling what looked to an innocent hillbilly to be hot dogs.

These were pork links raised in hades, butchered in a volcano, that underwent spontaneous themonuclear fission before the criminal masterminds that ran the packing plant started to season them. The taste? I don't recall any particular taste at all - fresh forged steel ingots perhaps? But, oh my, the aftershocks! One trip to the bathroom and I wished never to go again. For the first time in my life I could see that regularity was way overrated. Why was it, I wondered, that no poet had ever done justice to the advantages, the joys even, of constipation? And just where could one get, on short notice, a kilt in Layfayette parish?

The next day found me yet alive, much to my surprise. And as morning wore on into noon with nothing to break my fast, there was still only that one "hot dog" vendor. Older, far wiser now, I realized there was only one thing to do: I ordered two, added plenty of every condiment in sight, threw the sausages away and ate the buns.

Mark

InsideOut · 03-31-2006, 09:38 PM

We'll have to break this out at the RMVAC Annual Chili Dump this August!

Shari

wingfoot321 · 03-31-2006, 11:28 PM

Becky, I laughed so hard I cried. My glasses were so tear stained I had to clean them to finish reading. Loved it.

canny_banjo_man · 03-31-2006, 11:46 PM

Becky, Good mornin 2U... It's said that the OLD ones R the BEST... & Yes it's True... I nvr heard that B4, so I'll rate it as Brill... Guess what I ate 4 My dinner last nite...Yep, Chicken Curry... NOT quite the same, I kn, but after I read what J54Mark wrote... Well My Pups still alive, kinda stinks... but seems fine... Keep checkin Myself for extra holes, well I dunno what's in that Yellow RICE...LOL...Chris.....