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Old 06-10-2006, 07:29 PM   #1
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1975 31' Sovereign
Oxford , Mississippi
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Here's another good laugh for the day!!!

>
> If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
>syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, this story will
>have you laughing out loud!
>
> Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
>
> Here's what happened:
>
> Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
>"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room.
>"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can
you
>help?"
>
> I put my best lizard-healer look on my face and followed him into
>his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking
>stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at
>th e lizard!"
>
> "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
>babies."
>
> "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie,
>Mom!"
>
> I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said
>we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
>
> "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
>inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
>
> "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in
>my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
>
> "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
>
> "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
>she informed me (again with the sarcasm, I think.).
>
> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going
>on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. " Kids, this is going to
be
>a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
>birth."
>
> "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
>
> "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a
>litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do
>think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
>
> We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like
>a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
>
> "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
>
> "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
>
> "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
>
> "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when
>it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried
several
>more times with the same results.
>
> Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
>could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females
>in my house?)
>
> "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
>with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe!" he
>urged.
>
> "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
>can be so cruel to their own young. I mean, what she does to me is one
>thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
>
> The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
>little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a
>C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
>
> "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
>speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step
>outside.
>
> "Is Ernie going to be okay? " m y wife asked.
>
> "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.
>In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie
is
>a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male
>species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his
>back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying,
Mr.
>Cameron."
>
> We were silent, absorbing this.
>
> "So Ernie's just...just...excited," my wife offered.
>
> "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
>
> More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And
>giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
>
> "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
>woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
manliness.
>
>
> Tears were n ow r unning down her face.
>
>
> "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...
>its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
>more.
>
> "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly
>bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything
was
>going to be okay.
>
> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he
>told me.
>
> "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
>
> 2 Lizards - $140...
> 1 Cage - $50...
> Trip to the Vet - $30...
>
> Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker.....Priceless!
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Old 06-10-2006, 08:38 PM   #2
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Becky.. just tooooooooooooooooo funny..
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Old 06-10-2006, 10:46 PM   #3
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Becky, thanks for that. What a laugh.
Don
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Old 06-11-2006, 12:50 AM   #4
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LoL

That was just too cutie ..........
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Old 06-11-2006, 05:35 AM   #5
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Cute story Beck!! We had a similar situation with guinea pigs...suppose to be two boys...ended up with three babies!... and when we went to get the guinea pig neutered, yes, they nueter guinea pigs too, we ended up coming home with our adopted dog Trigger. We love our pets but they can have a snowballing effect!! Thanks for sharing your story
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Old 06-11-2006, 08:39 AM   #6
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This was sent to me from a friend I also thought it was just to cute not to share. My son does have a lizard and we think it is a female he just loves his Lizzy and is begging to get another one but we are just going to stick with the one for now.
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Old 06-11-2006, 11:07 AM   #7
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Thats Awesome to tell the world !!! I got a good laugh !! gotta show this to the wife !!! Thanks for sharing that with us !!!
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Old 06-11-2006, 11:09 AM   #8
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That sorta reminds me of a story from my wifes granny, they found a rodin and thought it was choking on a worm and pulled its tongue out !!!!
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