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Old 04-11-2007, 01:05 PM   #57
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Do you understand all you know about it?

Figures don't lie, but liars know how to figure!
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Old 04-11-2007, 01:13 PM   #58
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If a kid ever asks you how Santa Claus can live forever, I think a good answer is that he drinks blood.

It's funny how two simple words, "I promise," will stall people for a while.

I think it should be a law that if you ever get sucked up into a tornado, whatever you can grab with your hands while you're swirling around up there, you get to keep.
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Old 04-11-2007, 01:37 PM   #59
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If a man speaks in a forest and there is not woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Believe 25% of what you hear and 50% of what you see.
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Old 04-11-2007, 02:06 PM   #60
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very funny stuff . . .

a couple of my favorites:
"I still Miss My Ex-Wife . . . But My Aim is Getting Better"

"Remember, If Your Woman Don't Find You Handsome Make Sure She Finds You Handy" (which I add: "And If She Don't Find You Handy Then Just Make Sure She Finds You")
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Old 04-11-2007, 02:44 PM   #61
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One time I don't think you should listen to your body is when it says "I'm dead."

We're all afraid of something. Take my little nephew, for instance. He's afraid of skeletons. He thinks they live in closets and under beds, and at night they come out to get you when you're asleep. And what am I afraid of? Now, I'm afraid of skeletons.

I hope I never have to use my underpants as a flag, because after that I could never let my underpants touch the ground.
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Old 04-11-2007, 02:58 PM   #62
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The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese. If your car could travel at the speed of light would your headlights work?
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Old 04-11-2007, 03:00 PM   #63
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If you're being chased by an angry bull, and then you notice you're also being chased by a swarm of bees, it doesn't really change things. Just keep on running.

If they ever have a haunted house for dogs, I think a good display would be a bathtub full of soapy water.

When I pick up a handful of sand at the beach and let it dribble through my fingers, I think, Man, this is not a very good vacation.
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Old 04-11-2007, 03:49 PM   #64
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My mom always said when we were going out
"Make sure you have clean underwear on in case you are in an accident and have to go to the hospital".

Hah to that - if I'm in an accident and have to go to the hospital there's not a chance that underwear is going to be clean......
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Old 04-11-2007, 03:52 PM   #65
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In my next life, I hope I come back as a parrot, because I already know quite a few words.

It's not the ups and downs that make life difficult, it's the jerks
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Old 04-11-2007, 06:29 PM   #66
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Eschew Obfuscation!!!!!!
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Old 04-11-2007, 06:33 PM   #67
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Oscar Wilde on his deathbed: "It's either me or the wallpaper, one of us must go!"

If you don’t have a plan, that’s one less thing that can go wrong
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Old 04-11-2007, 07:13 PM   #68
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Wherever you go, there you are.
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Old 04-11-2007, 07:29 PM   #69
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to be politically correct you cannot call them looters anymore. You know have to call them
undocumented shoppers.
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Old 04-11-2007, 08:48 PM   #70
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One liners

Even a blind hog finds an acorn every once in a while.
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