If a kid ever asks you how Santa Claus can live forever, I think a good answer is that he drinks blood.
It's funny how two simple words, "I promise," will stall people for a while.
I think it should be a law that if you ever get sucked up into a tornado, whatever you can grab with your hands while you're swirling around up there, you get to keep.
a couple of my favorites:
"I still Miss My Ex-Wife . . . But My Aim is Getting Better"
"Remember, If Your Woman Don't Find You Handsome Make Sure She Finds You Handy" (which I add: "And If She Don't Find You Handy Then Just Make Sure She Finds You")
One time I don't think you should listen to your body is when it says "I'm dead."
We're all afraid of something. Take my little nephew, for instance. He's afraid of skeletons. He thinks they live in closets and under beds, and at night they come out to get you when you're asleep. And what am I afraid of? Now, I'm afraid of skeletons.
I hope I never have to use my underpants as a flag, because after that I could never let my underpants touch the ground.
If you're being chased by an angry bull, and then you notice you're also being chased by a swarm of bees, it doesn't really change things. Just keep on running.
If they ever have a haunted house for dogs, I think a good display would be a bathtub full of soapy water.
When I pick up a handful of sand at the beach and let it dribble through my fingers, I think, Man, this is not a very good vacation.
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