Welcome! AS Comedy Club

[N2XBW]

[N2XBW]

Two very good friends were 180degrees apart on their politics. Wishing to remain friends, they steadfastly avoided the topic in conversation so their encounters would always be friendly and uplifting. And from now, on this non-political list, I will as well.

Keepin' it friendly...
John / N2XBW

[N2XBW]

A trooper pulled over a speeding car. The driver was rude to the officer and almost combative. After the motorist released a long tirade of insults regarding the cop, all his kind and his personal parentage, The trooper made an extra notation on the ticket he was writing up.

When he handed it to the driver, the driver immediately noticed the letters "A.H." written in the corner.

"What's this?" He demanded.

"That's to remind me, when we get to court, that you were such an A**-H**e!"

When the court date came the defense lawyer questioned the trooper.

"Officer, you wrote "A.H." on my client's ticket. What did you mean by that?"

The trooper calmly replied, "Sir, I wrote that to indicate your client was ABUSIVE and HOSTILE."

"Don't you mean my client is an A**-H**e?" pressed the lawyer.

Smiling to the court, the lawman replied, "Well sir, he's YOUR client. I'd guess you know him much better than I!"

[greywolf]

Originally Posted by N2XBW

Two very good friends were 180degrees apart on their politics. Wishing to remain friends, they steadfastly avoided the topic in conversation so their encounters would always be friendly and uplifting. And from now, on this non-political list, I will as well.

Keepin' it friendly...
John / N2XBW

Hey, I wouldn't worry too much about the political jokes. I know lots of people and organizations try to say you shouldn't talk about religion and politics but really, if we all adhered to that principle all the time, I believe our society would become like those of other countries where people live in fear of talking about the government or anything out in public or even in the privacy of their own homes. Our rights are a use it so we don't lose it situation. It is our constaint excersizing of free speech that enures the continuance of that right.

As long as the criticism doesn't beome too offensive, I don't see a problem with that.

Kind of like a joke I heard recently: If we do elect Obama as President, the U.S. will become an ObamaNation. Only in this case, depending on how you take it, that may be a reality and not a joke!

[N2XBW]

Due to recent budget cuts and poorly considered tax rebates, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

THE GOVERNMENT

[N2XBW]

Here are the [ ALLEGED] top 10 comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back but, alas . . . :



1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I

saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was

amazing."



2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I

speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."



3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my

mother and father."



4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some

deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."



5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think

we can expect the same thing again."



6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition

doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."



7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of

the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."



8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like

they've got eleven Dicks on the field."



9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well

is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and

kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"



10. Another favorite is during the diving competitions two nights

ago the commentator said.. "Look at that... you aren't getting

anything between those legs."

[Minnie's Mate]

Another favorite is during the diving competitions two nights

ago the commentator said.. "Look at that... you aren't getting

anything between those legs."

Men's or women's diving...I guess it really wouldn't matter.

[Minnie's Mate]

An elderly man was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every requested to his
wife with endearing terms such as :

Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly, they were still very much in love .

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'

[Minnie's Mate]

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front
of him and never say its not quite as good as his mothers,


..then buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out,
at any hour, for as long and wherever you want ..


..then buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote,
doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you
as you watch romantic movies,


....then buy a dog.



If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just
to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores,


..then buy a dog !

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't
care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who
acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening
to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually..


..then buy a dog.


BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never
come when you call, ign ores you totally when you come home,
leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around
all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as
if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness,







..then buy a cat!

Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say...just find a teenager,
didn'tyou?

[N2XBW]

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your Airstream.


When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.


A penny saved is simply government oversight.


The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.


The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


He who hesitates is probably right.


Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL.'


If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.


If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.


The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.


There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.


Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'


Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when youstop lying about your age and start bragging about it.


The older we get, the fewer the things that seemworth waiting in line for.


Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.I've traveled a long way and some of theroads weren't paved.


When you are dissatisfied and wouldlike to go back to youth, think of Algebra.


You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.


One of the many things no one tells you about agingis that it is such a nice change from being young.


Ah, being young is beautiful,but being old is comfortable.


First you forget names, then you forget faces.Then you forget to pull up your zipper.It's worse when you forget to pull it down.


Long ago when men cursed and beat the groundwith sticks, it was called witchcraft.Today, it's called golf.

[Phil and/or Sue]

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[greywolf]

These are things my parents taught me:


Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Good Food Law

The better something tastes, the greater the probability that it is bad for you.

[N2XBW]

A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to coffee clatch with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go for coffee with me today? We will see my friends and have a good time.' But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to coffee?' But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet . So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to coffee with me and meet my friends?'

A little voice came out of the box:.....................

'I heard you the first %$#*& time! I'm putting on my shoes.'

[runningbarre]

a baby seal walks into a club......

[N2XBW]

Originally Posted by runningbarre

a baby seal walks into a club......

Wack! And you're off to a good start here. Welcome aboard.
John / N2XBW

[N2XBW]

Are you old enough to remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics? This may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q. "Do female frogs croak?"
A. Paul Lynde: "If you hold their little heads under water long enough."


Q. "What made the monkey cry?"
A. Paul Lynde: "Learning that Tarzan swings both ways."


Q. "If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?"
A. Charley Weaver: "Three days of steady drinking should do it."


Q. "True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?"
A. George Gobel: "Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes."


Q. "You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?"
A. Don Knotts: "That's what's been keeping me awake."


Q. "Charley, what story began with the discovery of magic beans?"
A. Charley Weaver: "Inherit the Wind!"


Q. "According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?"
A. Rose Marie: "No; wait until morning."


Q. "Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?"
A. Charley Weaver: "My sense of decency."


Q. "In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You?'"
A. Vincent Price: "No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty."


Q. "Which measurement was larger for the first Miss America , bust or hips?"
A. Charley Weaver: "Well, out at 'The Home', we have one of the first Miss Americas, and her bust meets her hips!"


Q. "What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough?'"
A. George Gobel: "I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment."


Q. "You're watching balls going back and forth at speeds of up to 170 miles per hour. In what sport?"
A. Joan Rivers: "Jogging!"


Q. "As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?"
A. Rose Marie: "You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget."


Q. "Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?"
A. Paul Lynde: "Because chiffon wrinkles too easily."


Q. "Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?"
A. Charley Weaver: "Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries."


Q. "In bowling, what's a perfect score?"
A. Rose Marie: "Ralph, the pin boy."


Q. "It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?"
A. Paul Lynde: "Tape measures."


Q. "During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?"
A. Rose Marie: "Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom."


Q. "If you're eating spaghetti the Italian way, what is in your left hand?"
A. Paul Lynde: "A fly swatter."


Q. "Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?"
A. Marty Allen: "Only after lights out."


Q. "When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?"
A. Paul Lynde: "Make him bark?"


Q. "If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?"
A. Paul Lynde: "Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark."


Q. "According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?"
A. Charley Weaver: "It got me out of the army."


Q. "It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?"
A. Paul Lynde: "Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected."


Q. "Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?"
A. George Gobel: "Get it in his mouth."


Q. "Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?"
A. Paul Lynde: "Who told you about my elephant?"


Q. "When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?"
A. Charley Weaver: "I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him."


Q. "What is a woman's most effective weapon?"
A. Paul Lynde: "A pair of 38's."


Q. "Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?"

A. Charley Weaver: "His feet."


Q. "According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?"
A. Paul Lynde: "Point and laugh."

[ROBERT CROSS]

> The Handywoman
>
> A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as
> a handywoman and started canvassing the neighbourhoods.
>
> She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he
> had any odd jobs for her to do.
>
> 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much
> will you charge me?'
>
> The blonde quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
>
> The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need
> was in the garage.
>
> The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she
> realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?'
>
> He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
>
> The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
> dumb blonde jokes .'
>
> A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her
> money. 'You finished already?' the husband asked.
>
> 'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two
> coats - no extra charge.'
>
> Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to
> her.................
>
>
>
>
>
> 'And by the way,' the blonde added ...
> 'it's not a Porch -- it's an Audi.'

[N2XBW]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes.

Suddenly, a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination gainst not only blonds, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!

The ventriloquist, feeling very embarrassed, begins to apologize, and the blond yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little on your knee'.

[N2XBW]

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The first old guy says, 'Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?'

The second old guy says,'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?'

To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours.'

[64airstream]

So these two old gentlemen that collided in the Wal-Mart become friends. One evening the four of them are visiting. While the wives are in the kitchen, one old gent mentions that he and his wife went to an excellent restaurant last night. The service was great, the food was spectacular and the prices were very reasonable. The second fellow asks, "what was the name of the restaurant?" The first gent thinks for a few minutes, then asks, "what's the name of the long red flower with thorns on the stem?" "A rose." comes the reply. The first fellow yells, "That's IT!" Then he yells toward the kitchen, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we ate at last night?"

Roy