Welcome! AS Comedy Club

[safari57]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
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At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you soon will be."
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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

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At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

[airstreamers]

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.
“What do you think?” I asked. “Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You’d never get it all in one.”

[overlander63]

Originally Posted by airstreamers

. “Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You’d never get it all in one.”

So when is the memorial service?

[airstreamers]

already had it! the following sums it up:

A hospital posted a notice in the nurse’s lounge saying: “Remember, the first five minutes of a human being’s life are the most dangerous.” Underneath, a nurse had written: “The last five are pretty risky, too.”

[airstreamers]

Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living
room and I said to her,

I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

She's Such A #&*%#......

[overlander63]

The following is an ad that appeared four days in a row in a
real-life newspaper -- the last three hopelessly trying to
correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for
sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly who
lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad
yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale
cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with
him after 7 PM."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has
received several annoying telephone calls because of the
error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands
correct as follows: "For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing
machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask
for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for
sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the
phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs.
Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

[airstreamers]

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my G**."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

[Minnie's Mate]

Originally Posted by airstreamers

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my G**."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

I must disagree with this student as there have been many times when I have witnessed Hell breaking loose on me...after all, I am married and as everyone knows, Hell hath no furry like a woman scorned. I also work with several women . That, too, explains some of the incidents where I have witnessed all Hell breaking loose on me . Now, I also have witnessed Hell freezing over on those occasions when I have been told that certain events in my life would only occur when Hell freezes over. To prove this, I have received several promotions and several raises in my career . As before stated, I am also married and am the father of two.

Therefore, I propose that since I have witnessed both 1 and 2 in my life Hell is very dynamic and most likely cyclical in nature. It absorbs heat to the point that all Hell breaks loose and gives off heat to the point that Hell freezes over. It is both endothermic and exothermic!

[airstreamers]

WOW!!! my hats off to you!

hope this doesn't offend anybody.

Fishing
A young guy from Alberta moves to Vancouver and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alberta ."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing."

[overlander63]

A guy walks into a bar and yells, "All lawyers are a**holes!"
A customer in the bar says, "Hey, I resent that."
"Why, are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm an a**hole!"

[Airhog1]

Viagra Coffee This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?" "Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

[Airhog1]

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the
worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the
letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you . I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew
you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight
motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's
not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very
happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has
opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll
be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live
nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science
will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday
I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your
grandchildren.

Love, Your Son David

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe
to come home.

[Minnie's Mate]

Originally Posted by gmorris

Viagra Coffee This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?" "Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

Gee, I knew McDonalds' coffee was hot, but I never knew!

[CanoeStream]

Yah Tom, reminds me of the Ole & Lena joke of similar ilk: Ole gave up romance for lent. Been a too lo-o-ong time... Lena bent over the vegetable crisper... couldn't resist. No longer welcome at Safeway.

[Airhog1]

You might be a redneck if the Bluebook value of your truck changes with the amount of gas you have in it!

G

[Minnie's Mate]

You might be a red neck if your wife is 5'-4", but still gets her hair caught in the ceiling fan.

[overlander63]

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a flat tire and a dead battery.

[bigeasy63]

A first time parachuter makes his first jump. When he pulls the ripcord...nothing happens. Quickly he pulls the emergency cord....again...nothing happens. As he is falling toward the earth in a freefall he spots a man going up just as fast as he is falling down. He yells "hey, do you know anything about parachutes"! The guy replies " no...do you know anything about the gas system on an airstream camper"!

[airstreamers]

Dangerous Computer Viruses

Hillary Clinton Virus: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later in another directory

O. J. Simpson Virus: You know its guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.

Paul Revere Virus: This virus doesn't horse around, warns you of impending attack. One if by LAN, twice if by C.

Politically Correct Virus: Never identifies itself as a "virus" but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism"

Government Economist Virus: Nothing works but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Gallup Virus: 60% of the PC's infected will loose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error)

Texas Virus: Makes sure that its bigger than any other file.

Adam & Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.

Airline Luggage Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS Virus: Your program stops running every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to surface a shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Ollie North Virus: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

Nike Virus: Just does it.

Sears Virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and shocks.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your program can never be found again.

Kevorkian Virus: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy

Star Trek Virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.00.

[overlander63]

Any ship can be a minesweeper--Once.