Welcome! AS Comedy Club - Page 8

**CanoeStream** · 02-02-2007, 09:49 AM

I betray my Alamo-town roots (from my mom):

Someone once noted that a Texan can get away with the most awful kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a 6-lane highway."

I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling about her new transplanted northern friend who was upset because her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a Texas accent. My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to Texas a couple of years ago.

"Can you believe it?" said her friend, "A child of mine is going to be "taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss."

Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships, and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here. And the heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!

I have a friend from Bawston, bless her heart, who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin" to do something. And, bless their hearts, they don't even know where "over yonder" is, or what "I reckon" means!

My personal favorite was my aunt, saying, "Bless her heart, she cain't help being ugly, but she could'uh stayed home."

Texas girls know bad manners when they see them:
1. Drinking straight out of a can.
2. Not sending thank you notes.
3. Velvet after February.
4. White shoes before Memorial Day or after Labor Day.

Texas girls always say:
1. "Yes Maam."
2. "Yessir."

Texas girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:
1. "Yawl come back."
2. "Well, bless yer harrt."
3. "Drop by when ya can."
4. "How's yer mama?"
5. "Love yer hair."

Texas girls know their three R's:
1. Rich
2. Richer
3. Richest

Texas girls know everybody's first name:
1. Hunny
2. Darlin'
3. Shuger

Texas girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
1. "Gone With the Wind"
2. "Fried Green Tomatoes"
3. "Driving Miss Daisy"
4. "Steel Magnolias"

Texas girls know the three deadly sins:
1. Bad hair
2. Bad manners
3. Bad blind dates

G.R.I.T. = Girls Raised in Texas !

Now you run along, Shuger, and send this to ANY females aspiring to be GRITS--Even the northern ones, "Bless Their Hearts".

"Just because you move to Texas does not make you a Texan. After all, if a cat had kittens and moved them to the oven, that wouldn't make them biscuits."

Phil and/or Sue · 02-02-2007, 10:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Canoe stream

...
"Just because you move to Texas does not make you a Texan. After all, if a cat had kittens and moved them to the oven, that wouldn't make them biscuits."

That is good!

safari57 · 02-04-2007, 09:29 PM

The new supermarket, near our house has an automatic water mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the sound of a gentle breeze and the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more,

Relentless · 02-04-2007, 11:58 PM

Always borrow money from pessimists.

They don't expect it back.

Relentless · 02-05-2007, 12:03 AM

A blond is driving down the road when she gets pulled over by a cop. The cop comes over to the window and turns out to be another blond.

The cop asks the driver for her driver's license. The driver says " What does it look like?"

The cop says " Its small, rectangular and has your picture on it."

The blond searches her purse and finds a small makeup mirror. She looks at it and hands it to the cop.

The cop looks at it and says, "You can go. I didn't know you were a cop."

Anon · 02-05-2007, 12:45 AM

Did you hear that the inventor of intermittent windshield wipers is getting a divorce?

It's all right because his marriage was "ON" and "OFF" again all of the time!

Anon · 02-05-2007, 12:51 AM

A man walks into a bar and hears beautiful piano music coming from the bar top. He wanders over and sees a 1 foot tall man playing a piano.
The man asks the bartender, "Where did you get the little guy playing the piano?"
To which the bartender replies, "I got him from my genie who sits in the back of the bar."
The man asks, "Would your genie grant me a wish?"
The bartender replies, "Sure but you have to speak up because he is a little hard of hearing."
The man walks to the back of the bar and sees this genie sitting alone in a corner booth.
He politely says to the genie, "I would like a million bucks, please."
The genie blinks and the bar fills up with a million ducks!
Frustrated, the man walks back up to the bartender and says angrily, "I asked your genie for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks!"
While pointing to the little guy playing the piano he bartender snidely replies, "Do you REALLY think that I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

Thanks for coming and drive home safely.

Minnie's Mate · 02-05-2007, 08:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Canoe stream

G.R.I.T. = Girls Raised in Texas !

G.R.I.T.S. = Girls Raised In The South. My Momma was raised in the South, but she was a truly liberated woman. She was part of the woman's movement in the '60's. She just never marched in a woman's rights march in white shoes before Easter or after Labor Day! She also knew every body by their first names, too.

safari57 · 02-13-2007, 12:22 PM

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

Minnie's Mate · 02-13-2007, 12:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by safari57

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

Oooouch!!! Just the thought hurts.