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Old 02-12-2013, 06:45 AM   #687
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Sorry about the repeated joke. I'm gettin' old, folks!
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Old 02-12-2013, 01:34 PM   #688
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Mule Trading
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,”Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.”
Curtis & Leroy replied,”Well, then just give us our money back.”
The farmer said,”Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.”
The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?”
Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”
Leroy said, “We shore can! Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!”
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked “What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”
They said,”We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”
Leroy said,”Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.”
The farmer said,”My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?”
Curtis said, “Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.”
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They’re overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.








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Old 02-13-2013, 05:10 PM   #689
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A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was ... just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"





Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
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Old 02-13-2013, 06:50 PM   #690
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pappy19 View Post
Mule Trading
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.


The next morning the farmer drove up and said,”Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.”
Curtis & Leroy replied,”Well, then just give us our money back.”
The farmer said,”Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.”
The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?”
Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”
Leroy said, “We shore can! Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!”
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked “What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”
They said,”We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”
Leroy said,”Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.”
The farmer said,”My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?”
Curtis said, “Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.”
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They’re overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.








They apparently also learned how to fudge the numbers and lie. (Further justifying their new job qualifications) Since they paid $100 for the mule and sold 500 tickets at $2 each, they have a profit of $900 and had to refund $2 for a net gain of $898...not $998.

Lesson here....FOLLOW THE MONEY! and "TRUST, BUT VERIFY!"
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Old 02-13-2013, 06:57 PM   #691
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(Admission: I'm relatively new to the forum and haven't read all 689 pages of jokes - apologies if I'm posting a retread)

Guy on secluded vacation walks in to a bar in a very remote town in Alaska. As he's enjoying his beer, he's puzzled to hear one patron stand up and shout 14! and the crowd roars with laughter. Different people stand up and shout different numbers and the crowd just keeps laughing.

He asks the barkeep what's up and he tells him in this small town, everyone has heard all the jokes there are to hear, so rather than waste all that time, we numbered them and tell jokes by calling out their number.

So the guy wants to ingratiate himself with the locals and stands up and shouts 115!

Dead silence.

Undaunted, he chirps out 74!

Still nothing.

He turns to the barkeep and asks what's wrong.

Barkeep says, "some people just can't tell a joke."
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Old 02-14-2013, 09:02 AM   #692
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Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old, and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the old gals.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister asked her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.." So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," requested the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"NOW HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH LARD JAYSUS! T' BOTH OF US T' ONCE?"
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Old 05-23-2013, 06:40 PM   #693
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For some reason, the multiple Andersen hitch threads reminded me of this classic Richard Pryor joke...

Guys can be pretty competitive. Seems two buddies with a long history of one-upmanship were on the Golden Gate Bridge when one says to the other - man, I gotta pee real bad. His buddy agrees and they both decide to relieve themselves right over the bridge.

First guy says, man - this water's really cold!

His buddy says - yeah, and DEEP too!!
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Old 05-24-2013, 12:21 AM   #694
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Boudreaux and Robicheaux decide to go hunt rabbits(in French it is 'lapin' lah-peen')...

They pull up in their truck at Mr. Hebert, a farmer with a huge garden and lots of lapin running all over...

Boudreaux says.. "Hay, Robicheaux, I'm going talk to Mr. Hebert and ax him if we can shoot them lapin...you stay here because you talk too much."..

Boudreaux heads over and knocks on the door .. Mr. Hebert answers.. "Mah, hallow dere, Boudreaux, how you been dere?"

"Ok, Mr. Hebert, ok.. look, I seed dem lapin in your garden field.. they mus be a lotta trouble.. you want me an Robicheaux to get rid of dem fo you?" Mr. Hebert says, "Oh, dat would be swell for you to do dat for me.. but I have a favor... my ole cow, Bessie... she is really po... and I don got da heart to put her down.. she fed my babies and gave us some calf... but, you got dat gun in you truck.. and dem ammo-munitions...you can do dat for me, hay?"

Boudreaux says.. "Yessir, Mr. Hebert. I do that first for you... then them lapin." So, he sets out to the truck and hatches a plot.

He starts walking like he is really really drunk-mad... Robicheaux says.... "Whas wrong?" Boudreaux says, "That Mr. Hebert, he thinks he so hoity-toity, I show him.. gimme my gun... doggone it.. I so mad, I shoot his cow!"... Robicheaux is in shock...

Boudreaux is laughin inside as he pulls the trigger.. "Ba-doooom!.... Dere, I don shoot his cow.. he won't make fun of us no more.."

Boudreaux then hears two more report shots.. "BA-doom, Ba-doom! "

Robicheaux says.. "We show him, I got his mule and his dog, too!!"
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Old 05-24-2013, 12:34 AM   #695
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Boudreaux shows up at Mr. Hebert's landing with his boat..

Mr. Hebert comes out to get his $1 launch fee and asks.. "Boudreaux, where you goin, hah?

Boudreaux, "I'm goin in da march you ole fool!"...

Mr. Hebert, "What for? I don see nothin in your boat but some rolls of tape.."

Boudreaux, "Mah, das no regular type tape, dats Duck Tape...and I'm going get me some ducks!" Mr. Hebert laughs and walks away... about an hour later Boudreaux is back at the dock with a boat so full of ducks it is about to sink.... Mr. Hebert says, "Wal... I don believe my eye, but I can't deny dat duck tape works!" Boudreaux, "Ok, Mr. Hebert.. here are a couple for you.. hava a good day!"

Next day, Boudreaux is back.. Mr. Hebert meets him again for his launch fee and says, "Hallo, Boudreaux... those wuz some good duck.. whatcha doin today? I don see no duck tape!" Boudreaux says, "No sir Mr. Hebert, I got this jar of pink stuff.. " Mr. Hebert says.. "Pink stuff? You mean Nutra Sweet?" Boudreaux says, "Das rite.. I'm goin get me some Nutra (nutria, water rat)" Mr. Hebert laughs.." hahah.. ok ok.. we see when you get back." About an hour later, here comes Boudreaux with a load of Nutria about to sink the boat.. He loads up while Mr. Hebert is standing there in awe of the sight.. "I wouldn't a believed dat if I aint seed wit my own good eye!" They part again as Boudreaux says farewell...

The next an third day, Mr. Hebert walks out real fast as he sees Boudreaux turn off the levee and head to the dock... with a big exhuberant smile he says.. "Well, Boudreaux, whatcha goin in da march for today, hah? I don't see no duck tape.. I dont see no nutra sweet.... but I see a bunch of sticks and branches... what you doin now you cooyaw (crazy)..?"

Boudreaux, stops, slowly turns an whispers to Mr. Hebert... "Mr. Hebert, sir, dem aint no regular sticks.. dem's p---y willows..."

Mr. Hebert says... "No launch fee today for you...Let me get my hat..."
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Old 05-24-2013, 10:58 AM   #696
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Boudreaux was sittin' in the beer joint one morning and the sheriff walks in and goes straight over to Boudreaux and says " Mr. Boudreaux (bein' all formal like cause is official bidness) I got bad news. Yore ol' lady drove the vista cruzer off the levee into da bayou and we found her flotin' dead wit 10 blue crabs hangin' onta her." He gives Boudreaux a bit for this to sink in and then asks "What you want we should do wit da body?" and Boudreaux takes a swig of Dixie and replies "Get dose crabs offa her and put 'er back out and I'll run her again dis evenin'."
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Old 05-24-2013, 12:42 PM   #697
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The Kid From ___(Choose Your Own Location)__

Choose your own locations...

This family from ___(place 1)____ moved to ____(place 2)___, and enrolled their son in school.

When the boy returned home Monday, the mother asked, "So what did you do in school today?"

The boy replied, "We were doing the alphabet today, and I got all the way to "R" before I made a mistake. Is that because I'm from __(place 1)___, mommy?"

To which came the reply, "No dear, that was 'cause you're smart!"

On the Tuesday, the boy returned and answered, "Today we counted to 100, and I made it all the way to 83 before I goofed. Is that because I'm from __(place 1)___, mommy?"

To which again came the reply, "No dear, that was 'cause you're smart!"

The dialog continued in a similar fashion Wednesday through until Friday when the boy stated, "Today we had gym class, and when we shot baskets, I made more than all the other boys put together! Is that because I'm from __(place 1)___, mommy?"

To which came the reply, "No dear, that's 'cause you're sixteen!"
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Old 03-30-2014, 10:40 AM   #698
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Dead Crows on Mass. Turnpike

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing the paint residue it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
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Old 03-30-2014, 12:13 PM   #699
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Crusty - well done (I was bohn theyuh :-) ).
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Old 06-02-2014, 06:10 AM   #700
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