Welcome! AS Comedy Club - Page 5

codybear · 01-02-2007, 03:30 PM

funnnyy!!!

overlander63 · 01-02-2007, 06:45 PM

You know why sharks don't attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.

Show me a cannibal that gets food poisoning from Missionary Stew, and I'll show you you can't keep a good man down.

Know what eskimos use to keep their houses together? Iglue.

Which President wore the largest shoes? The one with the largest feet.

I tried filling up my truck with gas yesterday, but the mortgage application was denied.

Why does the ocean roar? You'd roar too, if you had crabs in your bed...

My train of thought keeps derailing.

If you put all the cars in the world in a row, somebody would try to pass them.

overlander63 · 01-10-2007, 08:02 AM

It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the
60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby
boomers.

They include:

Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Hot Flash.

Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba--- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again.

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore!!!

Phil and/or Sue · 01-10-2007, 08:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by overlander63

It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the
60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby
boomers.
...

What's really bad is that I can relate!!!

SafeHarbor · 01-10-2007, 08:30 AM

Encyclopedia salesman calls and a small child answers.

"Hello?" The child is whispering.

"Hello! May I speak to the lady of house?"

"She's not here."

"How about your father?"

"He's not here either."

"I see. Are any adults available in your house?"

"You wanna talk to the fireman?"

"Fireman?"

"Or maybe the policeman?"

"Fireman? Policeman? What's going on at your house? What are they all doing?"

"Looking for me!"

Lamar

safari57 · 01-10-2007, 09:39 AM

I'm sure my wife had something to do with coaching the artist on this one:

Minnie's Mate · 01-10-2007, 10:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by overlander63

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

True story: Took my kid on a Cub Scout camp out. The Den leader was searching for his sleeping bag after dark. I asked him what it looked like. He replied: "Well, it's large and camouflage." I replied: "Gee, it really works!" He replied: "Oh, just stop it."

Not a true stroy:

A big city lawyer was stopped on a country road for running a stop sign. He told the country sheriff that he slowed down and nothing was coming so he didn't see the need to stop.

The sheriff replied, "That's not the same thing."

The lawyer replied to the sheriff, "If you can show me the importance of the difference, I'll give you my license and you can give me a ticket, but if you can't satisfactorily show me the difference, I get to go with just a warning."

The sheriff said, "OK, step out of the car."

The lawyer did and the sheriff whips out his night stick and begins to beat the living crap out of him and said, "Now, do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

Kevbo10 · 01-10-2007, 11:13 AM

seven foot cowboy walks into a bar...

orders twelve ta-kill-ya shots placed in a row.

the cowboy downs each one, str8 away, one after the other.

the bar tender asks, "why did you drink your ta-kill-ya in that manner"

to which the cowboy replies, "if you had what i had, you would also".

bartender bites, "prey tell, what do you have?"

cowboy replies "one dollar".

////

come w/ me... the cowboy bars becken... kevbo

overlander63 · 01-10-2007, 11:26 AM

A cowboy gets done drinking at the bar, and goes outside to get on his horse and leave town. But when he goes outside, his horse is missing. He storms back into the saloon, and yells "Ma hoss is missin'!" Everyone ignores him.
He then goes back up to the bar, and again yells, "My hoss is missin'! Ah'm goin out back for 2 minutes, an' when ah git back, my hoss better be waitin' outside, or ah'm gonna have to do what ah did in Dodge City!" Some of the other patrons glance around nervously, but nobody says a word.
The cowboy goes out back to relieve himsilf, and comes back in. He announces again, "Ah'm goin' outside agin, and ma hoss better be there, or ah'm gonna have ta do what I did in Dodge City, and Ah don't wanna have to do that." He goes out front, and there is his horse, tethered to the hitching post. He comes back to the doors, and says, "Ma hoss is out here, so Ah won't have to do what Ah did in Dodge City". As he turns to leave, one of the other people in the saloon asks him, "Excuse me, but just what did you have to do in Dodge City?"
The man replied

"Ah had to walk home."

SafeHarbor · 01-11-2007, 09:43 PM

A cowboy granddaddy told his sprig of a grandson the secret to a long life: "You gotta," he said, "sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal every mornin'. Do that 'n you'll live to a ripe old age."

So as the child grew into an adult and then a weathered cowboy, he did this religiously every day. Eventually, he lived to the ripe old age of 98.

When he died, he left behind 8 children, 18 grandchildren, 12 great-grandchildren . . .

And a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Lamar

safari57 · 01-12-2007, 05:31 PM

Thought they may be able to leverage this example:

SafeHarbor · 01-12-2007, 07:24 PM

Why is it . . . that when you blow in a dog's face, they don't like it, but if you take him for a ride in your pickup, he sticks his head out the window?

Lamar

72 tradewind · 01-12-2007, 07:49 PM

Why can't your hand be twelve inches long? (drumroll please) Cause then it woukd be a foot! AH HA HA HA (sound of me laughing uncontrollably while the nice men inthe white coats drag me away)

overlander63 · 01-12-2007, 08:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 72 tradewind

Why can't your hand be twelve inches long? (drumroll please) Cause then it woukd be a foot! AH HA HA HA (sound of me laughing uncontrollably while the nice men inthe white coats drag me away)

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