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Old 05-17-2012, 06:30 AM   #673
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A drunk was walking down the street, and came to a crowd standing in front of a skyscraper. Expecting someone to be handling out free stuff, he elbows his way to the middle of the crowd, only to see a fellow dressed up like Spiderman.

The drunk asks the costumed fellow, "Is it Halloween? Why you wearing a costume?"

The guy in the costume replies, "I'm a human fly, and I'm going to climb straight up the outside of this building using nothing but my bare hands and feet."

Drunk says, "Hey! That sounds like fun! Let's go!"

So, the human fly starts up the side of the building, and to his surprise, the drunk starts right up after him. About halfway up, the human fly looks down, and there's the drunk, right at his heels, grinning up at him. At the top, the human fly steps onto the roof, panting for breath, and sure enough, the drunk steps onto the roof right after him, not even winded. Drunk asks the human fly, "Okay, what's next?"

Human fly replies, "Now we jump off."

Drunk says, "Great! Let's go!"

So, the human fly jumps off, and no surprise, the drunk jumps off as well. About halfway down, human fly pulls the ripcord on a concealed parachute. As the chute opens, the drunk falls past.

As the drunk plummets by, he looks up at the human fly and yells, "COWARD!"
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Old 05-25-2012, 09:18 AM   #674
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Old 08-18-2012, 10:40 AM   #675
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I really wanted a newspaper

I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. ‘This is the 21st century,’ he said. ‘we young people don’t waste money on silly newspapers. Here, you can use my iPad, if you can figure it out.’

I can tell you this, that damn fly never knew what hit it… and my son learned a thing or two about manners as well.

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Old 08-21-2012, 06:26 PM   #676
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An older fellow is stopped by the park security patrol around 3 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "Well If you must know, I am on my way to attend a lecture about the dangers of gambling, hookers, late hours, alcohol abuse, cigar smoking and the negative effects they all have on the human body singly and in various combinations."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who the heck is giving that kind of lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."
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Old 08-31-2012, 10:44 PM   #677
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Old 09-13-2012, 07:42 PM   #678
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Arnold was at the doctor's office for his annual physical exam.

"Arnie", said the doc, "I'm going to be right up front with you.

You're going to have to stop mas-----ting."

"Why do you say that, Doc?"

"Because it's really distracting me!"
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Old 01-30-2013, 09:52 PM   #679
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I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.
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Old 01-31-2013, 02:02 AM   #680
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pappy19 View Post
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.
I was in a bar in south Florida and fell into conversation with a very pretty girl. She seemed keen on me so I offered to drive her home.
Along the way she asked me to stop in a lay-by(English term, very apt) on the darkest part of the road and naturally I thought that she might like me to kiss her. Time passed and my hand alighted on her thigh. She pushed my hand away!
Manners! "She said
"Boobies first!"
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Old 01-31-2013, 08:32 AM   #681
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I sure miss Johnny!!

Pap

Politician Lie Detector Test-Johnny Carson - YouTube
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Old 01-31-2013, 10:58 AM   #682
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I do too, Pappy!
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Old 02-05-2013, 02:01 PM   #683
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Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other,
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
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Old 02-06-2013, 05:21 PM   #684
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SCHOOL - 1957 vs. 2012
>
>
>
>
> Scenario :
> Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.
>
> 1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end
> up best friends.
>
> 2012- Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark. Charge them with
> assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go
> to anger management programs for 3 months. School governors hold
> meeting to implement bullying prevention programs.
>
> Scenario :
> Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
>
> 1957 - Robbie sent to the office and given six of the best by the
> Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class
> again.
>
> 2012 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested
> for ADHD – result deemed to be positive. Robbie's parents get
> fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from
> government because Robbie has a disability.
>
> Scenario :
> Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a
> whipping with his belt.
>
> 1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to
> college, and becomes a successful businessman.
>
> 2012 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to
> foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.
>
> Scenario :
> Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
>
> 1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.
> Passes exams, becomes a solicitor.
>
> 2012 - Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons. Mark
> expelled from school for drug taking . Ends up as a drop out.
>
> Scenario :
> Johnny takes leftover fireworks from the 4th of July, puts them in a
> paint tin and blows up a wasps' nest.
>
> 1957 - Wasps die.
>
> 2012 - Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with
> domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home,
> computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is
> never allowed to fly in an airplane again.
>
> Scenario :
> Johnny falls over while running during morning break and scrapes his
> knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort
> him.
>
> 1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing
> footie.No damage done.
>
> 2012 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.
> She faces 3 years in prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and
> ends up a stripper in a senior citizen only bar.
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Old 02-06-2013, 05:34 PM   #685
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Texting, Codes for seniors
Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting codes:

ATD- At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friends Funeral

BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM- Covered by Medicare

SUATSC- See You at the Senior Citizens

DWI- Driving While Incontinent

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out

L-O-L- Living on Lipitor

TOT- Texting on Toilet

Hope these help.

GGLKI

(Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)


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Old 02-11-2013, 05:56 PM   #686
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ODD FACTS:

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

The average man's pXXXs is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women
will be finished reading this by now.


Men
are still busy checking their thumbs.
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