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Old 09-28-2011, 06:50 PM   #659
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Old 10-07-2011, 04:16 PM   #660
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The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she he......ard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally.. .I assumed you had stolen the car.'
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Old 10-07-2011, 05:53 PM   #661
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“After all these years the reason I continue to love Thanksgiving.....I still sit at the kids table.”
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Sandra wanted to go to Cleveland on vacation,
but I’m the Husband, so we went to Cleveland.
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Old 10-11-2011, 08:59 AM   #662
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Old 10-11-2011, 03:51 PM   #663
A girl and an Airstream
 
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After my Sweet and Sour dinner, I opened my fortune cookie. It read: "That wasn't chicken". Yuck...
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Old 10-18-2011, 02:02 PM   #664
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A guy goes to the dentist and says, "How much to get these two teeth pulled?"

"$80 a tooth," he replies.

" $160 For two minutes work! That's crazy!" said the patient.

"Trust me," said the dentist, "You don't want me to do it any slower."

[Thanks, Duke!]
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Old 11-20-2011, 05:28 PM   #665
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Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old
white male, in a pumpkin patch 12.01 A.M. on Friday.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (Georgia) Courthouse, Lawrence was charged
with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need.
'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching
police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor.
'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence . 'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said... 'A pumpkin?…S*it…is it midnight already?'

'Best Come Back Line Ever.'
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“After all these years the reason I continue to love Thanksgiving.....I still sit at the kids table.”
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Sandra wanted to go to Cleveland on vacation,
but I’m the Husband, so we went to Cleveland.
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Old 11-20-2011, 06:47 PM   #666
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When the guy at the other pump with an identical (albeit newer) Dodge Cummins diesel said his Bully Dog economy mode provided 22 mph, I replied that I got 17.

Later, when my wife asked how much they cost (I didn't know), and how long would payback be, I figured that with fuel at $3.74, my 17 mpg cost 22 cents per mile. Ironically, his 22 mpg cost 17 cents per mile at that price per gallon.

Shocked me when I figured this out in my head, so I had to write it down to verify after it worked out that way.
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Old 11-23-2011, 03:02 PM   #667
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I DO NOT APPROVE of POLITICAL JOKES!
Too many of them end up getting elected.
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Old 02-22-2012, 10:44 AM   #668
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A Talking Dog

A guy is driving around the Montana outback and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
‘You talk?’ he asks.
‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’
The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’
‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running…
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’
‘I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s full of crap. He’s never been out of the yard’
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Old 02-22-2012, 11:04 AM   #669
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Thumbs up

The wife who wouldn't listen....


Bob
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“After all these years the reason I continue to love Thanksgiving.....I still sit at the kids table.”
RLC

Sandra wanted to go to Cleveland on vacation,
but I’m the Husband, so we went to Cleveland.
RLC
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Old 03-18-2012, 04:45 PM   #670
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Elder Berry Wine

California vintners in the Napa Valley area,

which primarily produce

Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines,

have developed a new hybrid grape

that acts as an anti-diuretic.



It is expected to reduce the number of trips

Older people have to make to the

bathroom during the night.



The new wine will be

marketed as







PINO MORE







I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!


Bob
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“After all these years the reason I continue to love Thanksgiving.....I still sit at the kids table.”
RLC

Sandra wanted to go to Cleveland on vacation,
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Old 05-10-2012, 07:29 AM   #671
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She left him because he had a will of his own. And it wasn't made out to her!
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Old 05-16-2012, 09:30 PM   #672
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If you have been to a wedding lately you may have heard this one.

When considering marriage, one must be aware of the long historical precedence/custom of the three rings.

You will start with the engagement ring, which allows you to dream, but not receive, your future benefit/rewards.

Then you will commit yourself for life with the marriage ring and everything is wonderful.

Some time after this will come the hard part, the suffering!

Dave
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