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Old 05-20-2011, 09:53 AM   #645
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Broken Arrow , Oklahoma
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A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blond mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like
the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the
black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked
his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
Blond mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs,
but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk
stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied..
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you
spend?'

To her astonishment, the blond mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blond says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black
suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked
nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'




(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)
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Old 07-06-2011, 03:44 PM   #646
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What is the difference between a GEEK and a DORK?

A GEEK wonders what zero-gravity sex would be like.

A DORK wonders what sex would be like.
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Old 09-03-2011, 09:50 AM   #647
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OH NO My Internet is Down!

note: James Kindall is a writer on Long Island, in New York. His power is still out after Hurricane Irene.

excert: I've got so much time on my hands, in fact, that I wrote a doggerel about life in Irene's wake for those lucky ones among us who, like me, have lost only electricity.

We lost it when Irene blew through
Wi-Fi, laptop, iPad, too
On my Kindle, no bars found
Oh lord, the Internet is down


My Facebook friends no longer poke
I cannot tweet a single joke
My iTunes offer not a sound
Now the Internet is down


I finally fix that yellow chair
Clean my office, wash my hair
Then I wander all around
Now the Internet is down


The library's packed. And Starbucks, too
I need my fix. Can I sit here too?
Is Wi-Fi in another town?
Now the Internet is down


You know, this thing could change my life
That woman there? Seems she's my wife
I wondered why she hung around
Now the Internet is down


I have a daughter! Son! It's true!
A family. Job. Good grief, who knew?
I feel better. My mind is sound
Now the Internet is down


I'll search the house and find a nook
To finally read that Hawking book
My thoughts are clear, my soul unbound
Now the Internet is down


I'll study Zen. Take up guitar
I'll search for wisdom near and far
To Internet's death, I raise my cup
Wait. Never mind. It came back up
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Old 09-17-2011, 12:19 PM   #648
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Addicted to the internet...
So here time-wasting I do set.
Better grammer would be "sit"
but the rhyming scheme
Won't work with it.
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Old 09-21-2011, 10:37 AM   #649
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Two hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.
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Old 09-21-2011, 11:52 AM   #650
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Old 09-21-2011, 12:22 PM   #651
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Old 09-21-2011, 05:00 PM   #652
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Two friends were hunting when one accidently shot the other.
The shooter called 9-1-1 on his cell phone and cried, "Ive just shot and killed my best friend!"
The disptcher asked," Are you sure he's dead?"
A moment, "BANG", a gunshot was herd over the phone.
The shooter then asked, "OK, now what?
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Old 09-22-2011, 10:50 AM   #653
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Quote:
Originally Posted by N2XBW View Post
Two friends were hunting when one accidently shot the other.
The shooter called 9-1-1 on his cell phone and cried, "Ive just shot and killed my best friend!"
The disptcher asked," Are you sure he's dead?"
A moment, "BANG", a gunshot was herd over the phone.
The shooter then asked, "OK, now what?


BOAT FOR SALE:
Thibodeaux was driving his car past Beaudreaux's house and saw a sign that read: "Boat for Sale". Thibodeaux marches up to Beaudreaux's front porch and raps hard on the door and Beaudreaux opens it.
Thibodeaux say, "Beaudreaux! How long we ban frands?"
Beaudreaux say, "Well......All our lives, Thibodeaux".
Thibodeaux say, "Why don you tole me you gotta boat?"
Beaudreaux say, "I ain't gotta boat!"
Thibodeaux say, "Da' sign say; 'BOAT for SALE'.
Beaudreaux say, "OH - NO Thibodeaux!!....See dat old ' 72 Ford pickem'up truck over dare?"
Thibodeaux say, "Yas. I see dat old pickem'up truck."
Beaudreaux say, "See dat ' 76 Cheverloet Ce-dan?"
Thibodeaux say, "Yas, I see dat Ce-dan."
Beaudreaux say, "Well, dey boat for sale."
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Old 09-26-2011, 12:11 PM   #654
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Sniffer

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was from the Drug Enforcement Administration and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog.' 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
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Old 09-26-2011, 01:06 PM   #655
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Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter....

First Woman : "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.

Second Woman : "I know..."

First Woman : "How?"

Second Woman : "My dog told me."
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Old 09-26-2011, 01:34 PM   #656
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Her Diary....His Diary

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a
nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I
thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment
on it Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was
wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he
wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On
the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted
nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He
continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I
decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my
surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was
distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I
don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with
someone else.

My life is a disaster.


His Diary:

Harley wouldn't start, still can't figure it out, at least I got laid.
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“After all these years the reason I continue to love Thanksgiving.....I still sit at the kids table.”
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Sandra wanted to go to Cleveland on vacation,
but I’m the Husband, so we went to Cleveland.
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Old 09-26-2011, 03:33 PM   #657
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A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Boobs."
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Old 09-28-2011, 05:19 PM   #658
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A baby seal walks into a tavern.
"What'll it be?" asks the barman.
"Anything but a Canadian Club!"
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