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Old 01-24-2010, 10:08 PM   #631
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A husband and wife are watching a TV program about
the phenomenon of mixed emotions.

The husband says, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you
can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the
same time!"

She thinks for a moment and then replies, "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."
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“After all these years the reason I continue to love Thanksgiving.....I still sit at the kids table.”
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Old 01-26-2010, 06:25 PM   #632
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Q. How do you know when you're watching a "Chick Flick"?

A. Whenever YOU wake up, SHE'S crying.
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Old 01-30-2010, 07:28 PM   #633
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Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad.. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard.'
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Old 01-30-2010, 08:16 PM   #634
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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,

looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."



The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"



The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."



The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide

to kill your husband; that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All

kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"



The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.



The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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Old 02-01-2010, 07:11 AM   #635
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A proctologist decided he wanted to take a class about automobile engine repair at his local community college. The instructor explained that the grade for the course would be based soley upon the final exam--being able to fully disassemble an engine and then to reassemble it correctly.
The proctologist took the course and was handily able to perform the final exam. As the professor was passing out grades the doctor noticed he recieved a score of 150 while all the other students received 100s. After inquiring as to why he recieved a higher score, the professor said, "Well, doctor, I gave you 50 points for correctly dissassembling the engine, 50 points for correctly reassembling the engine, and 50 bonus points for doing the whole thing through the tailpipe."
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Old 02-01-2010, 02:04 PM   #636
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Sadie and Mort had a big problem. After nearly 40 years of marital bliss, Mort could no longer satisfy his wife's desire.

Since the satisfaction of desire is a right of the wife under Jewish law, They took their problem to their Rabbi.

The learned man thought about their problem for a bit, then stated, "Find a viril young man, and when you are doing the act, have him strip to the waist and wave a towel over the two of you. Thus will Sadie be satisfied, amen."

Anxious to try the solution, the two immediately employed a strapping young fellow to perform the task. But alas, try as they might, Sadie was once again disappointed.

Frustrated, and believing the young fellow somehow failed to do things correctly, Mort
Proposed that the he and the young buck switch places. So, Mort wildly waved the towel while the young fellow did Sadie.

As Sadie began to respond with moans of pleasure, the tempo of the towel and the young fellow's loins picked up until all was well.

As Sadie let out long sighs of pleasant relief, a very pleased-with-himself Mort addressed the young man. "And that, you SCHMUCK, is how to wave a towel!
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Old 02-05-2010, 07:50 PM   #637
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It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is doggie style....



The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.
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“After all these years the reason I continue to love Thanksgiving.....I still sit at the kids table.”
RLC

Sandra wanted to go to Cleveland on vacation,
but I’m the Husband, so we went to Cleveland.
RLC
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Old 02-06-2010, 06:08 AM   #638
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A guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous b***h, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

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Old 03-27-2010, 10:17 PM   #639
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I heard an ad for a jewelry store on the radio the other day:

An unmarried man is incomplete. A married man is FINISHED.
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Old 05-08-2010, 09:51 PM   #640
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Smile

"My generation was secretive, brooding, ambitious, show-offy, and this generation is congenial. Totally. I imagine them walking around with GPS chips that notify them when a friend is in the vicinity, and their GPSes guide them to each other in clipped electronic lady voices and they sit down side by side in a coffee shop and text-message each other while checking their e-mail and hopping and skipping around Facebook to see who has posted pictures of their weekend." -Garrison Keillor
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Old 05-08-2010, 09:57 PM   #641
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Happy Mother's Day!
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Old 05-11-2010, 09:53 PM   #642
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The wife comes home from shopping to find her husband sitting in a lawn chair with a beer in his hand.

Angrily, she asks: "So, whant did YOU do all day!!"
He burps and replies: "Nothing."
"What!?" She exclaims. "You did nothing all day yesterday."
He looks at her and says: "Well, I wasn't finished."
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Old 05-11-2010, 10:10 PM   #643
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A old man and his wife were sitting in front of a roaring fire, slowly rocking back and forth in their old wooden rockers. They had been married for 55 years.

Slowly the old woman reached out and picked up a log from the pile of firewood. With a single swing she smacked the old man across the side of his head knocking him to the floor. She then dropped the log and resumed her rocking.

The old man crawled back into his rocker and turned to his wife: "What the devil was that for!?"

"That, was for having such a small penis." She replied.

The old amn resumed his rocking. A few minutes later the old man picked up the same log and with a swing to her head, knocked his wife out of her rocker.

Crawling back into her rocker, she turned to the old man and asked: "And what the heck was that for?!"

"That" he replied, "was for knowing the difference!"
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Old 08-27-2010, 10:35 AM   #644
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Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

“Dave, don’t worry bout it. You aren’t the first doctor to have sex with his patient, and you wont be the last…and you're single too…let it go!”

but invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality.

“Dave, Dave, Dave…
…You’re a veterinarian…
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