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Old 12-08-2009, 07:32 AM   #603
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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Old 12-09-2009, 12:07 PM   #604
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It's funny how deer and turkeys don't seem to have any problems seeing camaflage!
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Old 12-10-2009, 08:27 AM   #605
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This big-time rancher from Texas met a Missouri farmer on a business trip.

The Texas rancher bragged, "I can get in my truck, drive all day, and never cross the boundry of my ranch!"

"Yep," replied the little Missouri farmer, "I had a truck like that once, too."
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Old 12-10-2009, 12:52 PM   #606
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big toes

two big toes



-Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.
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Old 12-11-2009, 12:06 AM   #607
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In square dancing, the call "doe see doe" started out as "see those toes" as a reminder not to step on your partner's toes. After drinking half a jar of moon shine, the caller called out what sounded more like the current "doe see doe".

I can't guarantee the historical accuracy of my statement, it just sounds good!
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Old 12-11-2009, 10:04 AM   #608
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Originally Posted by greywolf View Post
In square dancing, the call "doe see doe" started out as "see those toes" as a reminder not to step on your partner's toes. After drinking half a jar of moon shine, the caller called out what sounded more like the current "doe see doe".

I can't guarantee the historical accuracy of my statement, it just sounds good!

Al was always confused at the square dance. He never could remember on which side of the lady to stand. The caller always had to remind him,
"Al, the man's on the left!" And so began 'al-le-man left'.

Sounds about right to me!
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Old 12-11-2009, 10:06 AM   #609
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One afternoon a famous lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate...

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the kind hearted lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me, They are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man the lawyer stated, 'You come with us, also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me.'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.'
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Old 12-12-2009, 06:43 PM   #610
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actual police car videos

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in goat poop
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Old 12-13-2009, 12:05 PM   #611
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Exclamation True Facts

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's...

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.


Women reading this will be done now.

The Men are still looking at their thumbs.
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Old 12-14-2009, 09:21 PM   #612
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Tiger meets Santa

Tiger meets Santa
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Old 12-15-2009, 02:13 PM   #613
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The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb.
What I want to know is who goes around comparing the size of men's private tools to the size of their thumbs!

Then again, maybe I don't want to know!

Looking at the size of my thumbs, I think I got the short end of the stick!
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Old 12-22-2009, 08:47 AM   #614
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health insurance

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery..
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Cabrini Catholic Hospital .

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was
going to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'

The nun asked if he had any money in the bank.

He replied. 'No money in the bank.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'

He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun..'

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God..'

The patient replied, 'Then send the bill to my Brother-in-Law.'
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Old 12-24-2009, 10:18 AM   #615
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ITALIAN CHRISTMAS

I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parent's house on Christmas Eve. I thought it would be interesting for a non-Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays. I thought my mother and my date would hit it off like partridges and pear trees..... I was wrong!

I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the invitation. "I know these family things can be a little weird," I told her, "but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on Christmas Eve." <>

"Sounds fine to me," Karen said.

I told my mother I'd be bringing Karen with me. "She's a very nice girl and she's really looking forward to meeting all of you."

"Sounds fine to me," my mother said. And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me. What more could I want?

I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian households, Christmas Eve is the social event of the season -- an Italian woman's reason for living. She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates every minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve is what Italian women live for. I should also point out, I suppose, that when it comes to the kind of women that make Italian men go nuts, Karen is it. She doesn't clean. She doesn't cook. She doesn't bake.. And she has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being. I brought her anyway.

7 p.m. -- we arrive.

Karen and I walk in and putter around for half an hour waiting for the other guests to show up. During that half hour, my mother grills Karen like A cheeseburger on the barbecue and determines that Karen does not clean, cook, or bake. My father is equally observant. He pulls me into the living room and notes, "She has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being."

7:30 p.m. - Others arrive.

Zio Giovanni walks in with my sister Zia Maria, assorted kids, assorted gifts. We sit around the dining room table for antipasto, a symmetrically composed platter of lettuce, roasted peppers, black olives, anchovies and cheese.... no meat of course. When I offer to make Karen's plate she says, "No Thank you." She points to the anchovies with a look of disgust....

"You don't like anchovies?" I ask.

<> "I don't like fish," Karen announces to one and all as 67 other varieties of seafood are baking, broiling and simmering in the next room. My mother makes the sign of the cross. Things are getting uncomfortable. Zia Maria asks Karen what her family eats on Christmas Eve. Karen says, "Knockwurst."

My father, who is still staring in a daze at Karen's chest, temporarily snaps out of it to murmur, "Knockers?" My mother kicks him so hard he gets a blood clot. None of this is turning out the way I'd hoped.

8:00 p.m. - Second course.

The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the table. Karen declines the crab sauce and says she'll make her own with butter and ketchup. My mother asks me to join her in the kitchen. I take my "Merry Christmas" napkin from my lap, place it on the "Merry Christmas" tablecloth and walk into the kitchen.

"I don't want to start any trouble," my mother says calmly, clutching a bottle of ketchup in her hands. "But if she pours this on my pasta, I'm going to throw acid in her face."

"Come on," I tell her. "It's Christmas. Let her eat what she wants."

My mother considers the situation, then nods.. As I turn to walk back into the dining room, she grabs my shoulder. "Tell me the truth," she says, "are you serious with this tramp?"

"She's not a tramp," I reply. "And I've only known her for three weeks."

"Well, it's your life," she tells me, "but if you marry her, she'll poison you."

8:30 p.m. - More fish

My stomach is knotted like one of those macramé plant hangers that are always three times larger than the plants they hold. All the women get up to clear away the spaghetti dishes, except for Karen, who, instead, lights a cigarette.

"Why don't you give them a little hand?" I politely suggest. <>Karen makes a face and walks into the kitchen carrying three forks.

"Dear, you don't have to do that," my mother tells her, smiling painfully.

"Oh, okay," Karen says, putting the forks on the sink. As she re-enters the dining room, a wine glass flies over her head and smashes against the wall.. From the kitchen, my mother says, "Whoops."

More fish comes out. After some goading, Karen tries a piece of scungilli, which she describes as "slimy, like worms." My mother winces, bites her hand and pounds her chest like one of those old women you always see in the sixth row of a funeral home. Zia Maria does the same. Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, bites her hand and pounds her chest. Zio Giovanni doesn't know what to make of it. My father's dentures fall out and chew a six-inch gash in the tablecloth.

10:00 p.m. - Coffee, dessert.

Espresso all around. A little anisette. A curl of lemon peel. When Karen asks for milk, my mother finally slaps her in the face with a cannoli. I guess it had to happen sooner or later Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, picks up a cannoli and slaps my mother with it.

"This is fun," Karen says.

Time passes, and believe it or not everyone is laughing and smiling and filled with good cheer -- even my mother, who grabs me by the shoulder, laughs and says, "Get this bitch out of my house."

Sounds fine to me.

THE END

If you aren't in stitches by now, you don't know Italians.
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Old 12-27-2009, 09:26 PM   #616
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another blond joke

more snow
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