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Old 12-30-2006, 04:06 PM   #43
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Found this health guide on another site - seemed to fit here fine

HEALTH
QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it... don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer, that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn; and what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient means of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain – Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely, in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO, What a Ride”!
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Old 12-30-2006, 04:19 PM   #44
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Great post..like it's been said countless times -- everything in moderation!!!
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Old 12-30-2006, 04:28 PM   #45
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Quote:
Originally Posted by safari57
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely, in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO, What a Ride”!


Ahh... very wise, Master.
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Old 12-30-2006, 04:44 PM   #46
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Quote:
Originally Posted by codybear
G everything in moderation!!!
Even Moderation
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Old 12-30-2006, 04:46 PM   #47
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Even Moderation: How'd I know you were going to say that, Terry?..hahah -

keep it real
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Old 12-30-2006, 06:19 PM   #48
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Bill is driving his car in the country. Suddenly, the car sputters to a halt. He coasts off the side of the road, and opens the hood. He can't see anything wrong, when a deep voice says, "It's the generator."
Startled, Bill jumped back, and looks all around. No one is there, except for a cow inside the fence in the field next to his car. He thinks to himself, "I must really be losing it", and starts poking around under the hood.
He no more pokes his head under the hood, when the same voice says "Mmmm, I told you it's the generator."
He looks around, and still sees no one except the cow. Just as he is about to look under the hood again, the cow looks at him and says, "You need a generator." Amazed, Bill says, "Hey, you can talk!"
The cow replied "Yes, you need a generator, go to the house and ask the farmer for a ride in to town to get a new one. The house is over the next hill."
Bill thanked the cow, and walked over the hill to the farmhouse. When he got there, he asked the farmer for a ride in to town to get a new generator for his car. The farmer replied "Sure, but how do you know you need a generator?"
Bill was kind of embarrassed, but told the farmer, "You won't believe it, but your cow can talk, and she told me."
The farmer said, "Oh, don't listen to Bessie, she doesn't know anything about cars!"
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Old 12-30-2006, 10:04 PM   #49
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Child: "Mommy, mommy, mommy!!!! Bobby called me a three headed monster!"

Mom (patting the child's head): "There, there, there."
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Old 12-30-2006, 10:05 PM   #50
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funnny!!!
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Old 12-30-2006, 11:15 PM   #51
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Hu's on first?

This one's pretty funny...

Secretary: - Mr. President, Condoleeza Rice is here to see you.
George B. : - Good, send her in.
Secretary: - Yessir.
(Hangs up. Condi enters.)
Condoleeza: - Good morning, Mr. President.
George B. : - Oh Condoleeza, nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoleeza : - Well, Mr. President, I have the report here about the new leader in China.
George B. : - Great, Condi. Lay it on me.
Condoleeza : - Mr. President, Hu is the new leader of China.
George B. : - Well, that's what I want to know.
Condoleeza : - But that's what I'm telling you, Mr. President.
George B. : - Well, that's what I'm asking you, Condie. Who is the new leader of China?
Condoleeza : - Yes.
George B. : - I mean the fellow's name.
Condoleeza : - Hu.
George B. : - The guy in China.
Condoleeza : - Hu.
George B. : - The new leader of China.
Condoleeza : - Hu.
George B. : - The Chinaman!
Condoleeza : - Hu is leading China, Mr. President.
George B. : - Whaddya' asking me for?
Condoleeza : - I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George B. : - Well, I'm asking you, Condie. Who is leading China?
Condoleeza : - That's the man's name.
George B. : - That's who's name?
Condoleeza : - Yes.
(Pause.)
George B. : - Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condoleeza : - That's correct.
George B. : - Then who is in China?
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - Yassir is in China?
Condoleeza : - No, sir.
George B. : - Then who is?
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - Yassir?
Condoleeza : - No, sir.
(Pause. Crumples paper)
George B. : - Condi, you're starting to piss me off now. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. So why don't you get me the Secretary General of the United Nations on the phone.
Condoleeza : - Kofi Annan?
George B. : - No, thanks. And Condi, call me George. Stop with that ebonics crap.
Condoleeza : - You want Kofi?
George B. : - No.
Condoleeza : - You don't want Kofi.
George B. : - No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - Not Yassir! The guy at the United Nations.
Condoleeza : - Kofi?
George B. : - Milk! Will you please make that call?
Condoleeza : - And call who?
George B. : - Well, who is the guy at the U.N?
Condoleeza : - No, Hu is the guy in China.
George B. : - Will you stay out of China?!
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condoleeza : - Kofi.
George B. : - All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condoleeza : - Hello. Rice, here.
George B. : - Rice? Good idea. And get a couple of egg rolls, too, Condi. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get chinese food in the Middle East? I don't know.

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Old 12-31-2006, 12:04 AM   #52
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America convention in Chicago,"
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?"
"I am the lead lecturer," she responded. "I take what I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"
"Well." she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolute best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry" she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
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Old 01-01-2007, 04:13 PM   #53
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Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing the ir recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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Old 01-01-2007, 04:16 PM   #54
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Old 01-01-2007, 04:57 PM   #55
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Quote:
Originally Posted by overlander63
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Nice...
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Old 01-02-2007, 02:36 PM   #56
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Let me apologize in advance...

Someone stole all the toilet seats at the Police station.....

Detectives have nothing to go on.
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