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Old 10-15-2009, 08:35 AM   #533
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Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe.
After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor.
So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on -- and it was a perfect fit!
He asked how much he owed.
Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God there's no charge!
However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"
Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.
A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.
He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?"
"Certainly," replied Jesus.
"Jesus & Finkelstein it is."
"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein.
"Finkelstein & Jesus.
After all, I am the craftsman."
The two of them debated this for some time.
Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful -- and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:
Lord & Taylor
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Old 10-21-2009, 09:44 PM   #534
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One day at work last week, I noticed a strange transposition: when the cashier had finished checking out her customer, I saw that he was checking her out...
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Old 10-22-2009, 07:15 AM   #535
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Old 10-25-2009, 11:55 AM   #536
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1984 28' Funeral Coach
Belleview , Florida
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And They Breed...

IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window
And I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also
Handed her a quarter.
She said, "You gave me too much money."
I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back."
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my
Request.I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said
"We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing."
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at MacD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman
Told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a
'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and
Said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2
Horsepower.He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4
Horsepower."
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, "NOOO,
it's not.
Four is larger than two."
We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour
Call the local township administrative office to request the
Removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too
Many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is
A good place for them to be crossing anymore."

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
Asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce'. He
Said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
Employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
Your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I
Know?"He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the
Street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-
Worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I
Explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing
Driving?"She is a government employee.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to
Pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We
Went to the service department and found a mechanic working
Feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from
The passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and
Discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know. I already got that side."







STAY ALERT! They walk among us...and breed.
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Old 10-25-2009, 03:44 PM   #537
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The economy is getting SO BAD...

HOW BAD IS IT?

The economy is so bad that the Mafia is laying off judges.

The economy is so bad that Exxon-Mobil just laid off 25 Congressmen.
 
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Old 10-31-2009, 09:24 AM   #538
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Costume Party -- HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!


A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible
headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his
good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping
soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still
early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she
would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she
was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on
the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a
little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new
babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished
,naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the
costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he
would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a
time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a
good time when you're not there."
- "Did you dance much ?"
- "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met
Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played
poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the
guy I loaned my costume to...."
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Old 11-01-2009, 09:04 PM   #539
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Three Rivers , California
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MY TRIP TO WAL-MART...

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when
woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I
ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works
well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically
everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's
ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things to say.
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Old 11-02-2009, 02:40 PM   #540
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a little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goesin to see what's up.

the little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

his mother says: "billy, are you all right?you've been in here for a while.

billy says: "i'm fine, mommy.. I just haven't gone 'doody' yet."

mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes.but, billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

billy says: "works for ketchup."
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Old 11-02-2009, 11:46 PM   #541
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Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over.. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
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Old 11-03-2009, 08:34 AM   #542
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Folks say 'there's one in ev'ry crowd' but I seen a lot more'n that. ~ Uncle Floyd
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Old 11-04-2009, 09:34 AM   #543
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How I learned to mind my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,

And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a

Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see

What was going on.....

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
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Old 11-04-2009, 11:47 AM   #544
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A driver came to a screeching halt as one of his wheels came off and went bouncing and rolling down the road ahead of him. After retrieving the wheel, he came to the quick realization that he'd lost the nuts to reattach the wheel to the hub.

As luck would have it, this occurred in front of the state asylum, and soon a crowd of inmates gathered at the fence to watch the show.

As the driver stood pondering his problem, one of the residents spoke up.

"Why don't you take one nut off each of the other wheels? That will get you to a garage."

"Holy cow!" replied the driver, "What a great idea! How'd you ever think of that?"

"Well, mister," came the reply, "I may be NUTS, but I ain't STUPID!"
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Old 11-05-2009, 09:14 AM   #545
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You know you're a redneck when......
The Salvation Army declines your furniture
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Old 11-05-2009, 09:49 AM   #546
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I stepped up to the receptionist's window at the psychiatrist's office.

I said, "I don't know what's wrong, but everyone ignors me."

She replied, "Next."
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