A young boy called to his mother from the yard, "Mom, would you rather have me fall out of a tree and break my arm or only tear a hole in my Sunday slacks?"
"Well," she replied, "I guess I'd pray that you only ripped your pants."
The kid yells back, "Your prayers have been answered!"
Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I thought, Ill call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and Id like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
Two newlyweds are in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night. While the wife is in the bathroom, the husband says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" With that he throws his socks under the bed.
The wife walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, the husband runs past into the bathroom. The wife sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, "How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? I've got to tell him."
Just as the husband walks out, the wife runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, "Honey, I've got to tell you something."
The husband says, "Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks."
The young woman revealed at confession, "I've engaged in the oldest profession. I've gained much notoriety, Within secular society; Now the Clergy's my natural progression." ~ IMBAC
Don't take life too seriously, it's not like you're going to get out alive anyways.
I have days when that's exactly how I feel!
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2006 30' Safari - "Changes in Latitudes"
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A musician who's spent his entire life trying to get a record deal is feeling extremely depressed. He's been turned down by every record company he's ever contacted. No one recognizes him, no one cares. So, he decides to top himself and comes up with an ingenious plan to get back at all the record companies who've rejected him all of his life.
He books time at a recording studio, and instructs the sound engineer to record everything he says and every sound he hears, then copy it all onto 1000 CD's and send a CD to every record company executive on a list that he lays on the console.
The guy walks into the vocal booth, the engineer says "let's try it", and he begins..
"This is a message for all you sycophantic, talentless, stupid record company a-holes who've ignored me for all these years. I've dedicated my life to writing beautiful, emotive, soul-searching music, and all you bastards do is discard my tapes, never return my phone calls, and sign these horrible, no-talent, ridiculous, dumb bands, and these filthy, dirty rappers! Well, you bunch of morons, you parasites, you idiots; I've taken all I can of your puerile, shallow industry, and it's you who have driven me to this! Goodbye you fxxxn' murderers of art!"
With that, he pulls out a gun, puts it to his head and blows his brains out.
The engineer says, "OK, level's good - wanna go for a take?"
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