Welcome! AS Comedy Club - Page 35

N2XBW · 07-16-2009, 07:47 PM

After a fine education, a fulfilling career, a well lived life, and a comfortable retirement, I never thought I'd be someday reduced to begging in the sheets.

N2XBW · 08-17-2009, 03:03 PM

It was the morning of St. Patrick's Day, and the school principal came on the public address system with the request that in honor of St. Patrick, all the students "act Irish".

...so they all GOT DRUNK and BLEW UP the School!

Phil and/or Sue · 08-17-2009, 10:43 PM

Have you ever seen a flock of geese migrating, and they form a V shape? Sometimes, you may notice that one side of the V is shorter than the other.

Do you know why?

It's because ... (scroll down)

there are more geese on that side!

N2XBW · 08-18-2009, 10:04 AM

So this fellow in an Airstream classic motorhome pulls up beside this redneck in a beat-up pickup.

"Hey, y'all got a hemi?" guffaws the hillbilly.

"Hell, yes," says the Airstreamer, "I got two hemis, one left and one right."

"No sh**!" says the Gomer as he guns his engine "Y'all wanna' race?".

"Wouldn't be fair," smiles the Rv'er. "

"N' why not?" asks Billy-Bob, still gunning it.

OK, _______________________________________________ now you fill in the punch line.
Share it with the group.

chapparel · 08-19-2009, 10:19 AM

We who have taught, or love children who have been taught, know this is funny!

From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher

My five-year old students are learning to read.Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked...."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does...

greywolf · 08-20-2009, 01:10 AM

At this Catholic school, a sister notices that a group of boys is late showing up to class so she figures they all must be goofing off in the boys room. Her assumption was correct, they were all in there having a pissing contest. In this group was 2 protestent boys, so she figures they were most likely the instigators so she hauls their butts in the head master's office.

The headmaster asks the sister, What's going on here with these two?"
The sister replies, When the boys were late to class I went into the boys room and found these two protestant boys leading the group in a pissing contest."
The headmaster asks the sister, "So what did you do when you found them having this pissing contest?"
The sister replies, "I hit the ceiling!"
The headmaster congradulates her by saying, "Good for you sister! We can't be having these protestants be beating us!"

N2XBW · 08-20-2009, 03:46 PM

Angus MacTavish was a Scots Presbyterian who inexplicably lived in a small predominately Catholic town in County Cork Ireland.

A prosperous bachelor farmer, Angus decided it was time for him to marry, but alas, there were no suitable girls except Catholic.

He courted several young ladies, but each turned him down because he was not of the correct faith.

Finally he found some interest from Sarah Byrne, but her father stated flatly that Angus must be Catholic before he would ever consent or bless the union.

Angus consulted with the parish priest, Father O’Brien, on what he should do to convert, and after a hasty course of study, Angus was confirmed.

Soon he and Sarah were wed, but the problems set in the first Friday, as Angus prepared himself a steak for dinner.

Sara called the priest, and over he came.

“Why Father, he refuses to eat fish on Friday. He says he always has a steak on Friday!”

“Well now, let me talk to him, lass, I’ll straighten this out!” stated the priest.

“Angus,” says the priest, “You must stop eating steak on a Friday. If you get the urge to do so lad, just repeat out loud: ‘I’m a Catholic now, not a Protestant; I’m a Catholic now, not a Protestant, over and over.”

The next Friday the priest was once more summoned by Sarah.

When he arrived, he smelled, then saw Angus cooking a large, thick steak.

Angus was singing away, “I’m a Catholic now, not a Protestant; I’m a Catholic now, not a Protestant; You’re a fish now and not a beefsteak; You’re a fish now and not a beefsteak!

N2XBW · 08-24-2009, 06:59 PM

Charlie: "My wife has the worst memory ever."

Tom: "She forgets everything, huh?"

Charlie: "Hell no, she REMEMBERS everything!"

[Thanks to 'Duke']

Minnie's Mate · 08-25-2009, 05:09 PM

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.."

N2XBW · 08-25-2009, 06:29 PM

A man confided to his friend, "I've been seeing spots."

"Have you seen a doctor?" asks the friend.

"No! Like I said, just spots!"

Minnie's Mate · 08-26-2009, 06:31 AM

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, a young Scout asked his father the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently. After his father hemmed and hawed awhile, my the young boy finally spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.

N2XBW · 08-26-2009, 06:50 AM

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've to had cut off your fingers!"

N2XBW · 09-01-2009, 05:05 PM

I was having trouble with my computer so I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little s**t.

Minnie's Mate · 09-03-2009, 11:09 PM

Little Johnny Meets Barack Obama*

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.' One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.' 'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.' The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?' 'Well,' says Little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss...and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.'

In order to keep this post from being political, please feel free to substitute the President of your choice.