Welcome! AS Comedy Club

[ROBERT CROSS]

Old Lady Sets Off Airbag - YouTube

[N2XBW]

[missysanford]

After my Sweet and Sour dinner, I opened my fortune cookie. It read: "That wasn't chicken". Yuck...

[N2XBW]

A guy goes to the dentist and says, "How much to get these two teeth pulled?"

"$80 a tooth," he replies.

" $160 For two minutes work! That's crazy!" said the patient.

"Trust me," said the dentist, "You don't want me to do it any slower."

[Thanks, Duke!]

[ROBERT CROSS]

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old
white male, in a pumpkin patch 12.01 A.M. on Friday.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (Georgia) Courthouse, Lawrence was charged
with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need.
'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching
police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor.
'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence . 'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said... 'A pumpkin?…S*it…is it midnight already?'

'Best Come Back Line Ever.'

[Phil and/or Sue]

When the guy at the other pump with an identical (albeit newer) Dodge Cummins diesel said his Bully Dog economy mode provided 22 mph, I replied that I got 17.

Later, when my wife asked how much they cost (I didn't know), and how long would payback be, I figured that with fuel at $3.74, my 17 mpg cost 22 cents per mile. Ironically, his 22 mpg cost 17 cents per mile at that price per gallon.

Shocked me when I figured this out in my head, so I had to write it down to verify after it worked out that way.

[N2XBW]

I DO NOT APPROVE of POLITICAL JOKES!
Too many of them end up getting elected.

[Crusty]

A guy is driving around the Montana outback and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
‘You talk?’ he asks.
‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’
The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’
‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running…
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’
‘I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s full of crap. He’s never been out of the yard’

[ROBERT CROSS]

The wife who wouldn't listen....


Bob

[ROBERT CROSS]

California vintners in the Napa Valley area,

which primarily produce

Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines,

have developed a new hybrid grape

that acts as an anti-diuretic.



It is expected to reduce the number of trips

Older people have to make to the

bathroom during the night.



The new wine will be

marketed as







PINO MORE







I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!


Bob

[N2XBW]

She left him because he had a will of his own. And it wasn't made out to her!

[masseyfarm]

If you have been to a wedding lately you may have heard this one.

When considering marriage, one must be aware of the long historical precedence/custom of the three rings.

You will start with the engagement ring, which allows you to dream, but not receive, your future benefit/rewards.

Then you will commit yourself for life with the marriage ring and everything is wonderful.

Some time after this will come the hard part, the suffering!

Dave

[Protagonist]

A drunk was walking down the street, and came to a crowd standing in front of a skyscraper. Expecting someone to be handling out free stuff, he elbows his way to the middle of the crowd, only to see a fellow dressed up like Spiderman.

The drunk asks the costumed fellow, "Is it Halloween? Why you wearing a costume?"

The guy in the costume replies, "I'm a human fly, and I'm going to climb straight up the outside of this building using nothing but my bare hands and feet."

Drunk says, "Hey! That sounds like fun! Let's go!"

So, the human fly starts up the side of the building, and to his surprise, the drunk starts right up after him. About halfway up, the human fly looks down, and there's the drunk, right at his heels, grinning up at him. At the top, the human fly steps onto the roof, panting for breath, and sure enough, the drunk steps onto the roof right after him, not even winded. Drunk asks the human fly, "Okay, what's next?"

Human fly replies, "Now we jump off."

Drunk says, "Great! Let's go!"

So, the human fly jumps off, and no surprise, the drunk jumps off as well. About halfway down, human fly pulls the ripcord on a concealed parachute. As the chute opens, the drunk falls past.

As the drunk plummets by, he looks up at the human fly and yells, "COWARD!"

[N2XBW]

[Crusty]

I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. ‘This is the 21st century,’ he said. ‘we young people don’t waste money on silly newspapers. Here, you can use my iPad, if you can figure it out.’

I can tell you this, that damn fly never knew what hit it… and my son learned a thing or two about manners as well.

[N2XBW]

An older fellow is stopped by the park security patrol around 3 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "Well If you must know, I am on my way to attend a lecture about the dangers of gambling, hookers, late hours, alcohol abuse, cigar smoking and the negative effects they all have on the human body singly and in various combinations."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who the heck is giving that kind of lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

[colberjs]

[N2XBW]

Arnold was at the doctor's office for his annual physical exam.

"Arnie", said the doc, "I'm going to be right up front with you.

You're going to have to stop mas-----ting."

"Why do you say that, Doc?"

"Because it's really distracting me!"

[pappy19]

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

[Moonstruck]

Originally Posted by pappy19

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

I was in a bar in south Florida and fell into conversation with a very pretty girl. She seemed keen on me so I offered to drive her home.
Along the way she asked me to stop in a lay-by(English term, very apt) on the darkest part of the road and naturally I thought that she might like me to kiss her. Time passed and my hand alighted on her thigh. She pushed my hand away!
Manners! "She said
"Boobies first!"