Welcome! AS Comedy Club

[Minnie's Mate]

Originally Posted by N2XBW

I heard they were co-chairmen of the RNC.

Nope, they are democrats. They are from Arkansas; remember Bill and Hillbillary? And, the Republicans wanted NOTHING to do with THAT piece of crap government attempt at controlling the economy.



P.S. Sorry, you asked for it.

[N2XBW]

Ron and Jerry, two elderly friends, met in front of the Park Recreation building every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Ron didn't show up. Jerry wasn't concerned; he thought Ron might have a cold or some urgent appointment.

But after Ron hadn't shown up for a week or so, Jerry really got worried. However, since Jerry didn't know where Ron lived (the only time they ever got together was at the center) he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

After a month had passed, Jerry figured he had seen the last of Ron.

On his next visit to the Recreation Center, however, Ron wassitting on their usual bench waiting for him.

Amazed and delighted, Jerry exclaimed, ''For crying out loud Ron, what in the world happened to you?''

Ron replied, ''I've been in jail.''''Jail?'' cried Jerry.

''You?!? What on earth for?''

''Well,'' Ron said, ''you know Sue , that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?''

''Yes,'' said Jerry, ''I remember her. What about her?''

''Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. And at age 89, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ''guilty.''

''Then the &%!* judge gave me 30 days for perjury.''

[N2XBW]

Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days!



He asked, 'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'



The clerk looks at the customer and says, 'Wait, are you Polish?'

The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something!

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?'

'If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'

The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replied, "Well, This IS NAPA Auto Parts!"

[Phil and/or Sue]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The Heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own Funeral.........
I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.

[N2XBW]

Bumblenertz stumbled back to the Airstream after a prolonged clubhouse evening of cards and beer.

He entered the RV noisily, coughed, f****d, laugher, then loudly dropped his pants and shoes on the kitchen floor.

He then proceeded to draw a glass of water and fumble with the pill bottles in the cabinet over the stove.

Then he entered the bedroom where his wife was now of course wide awake.

"Heresh yer ashprins." he slurred.

"I don't need any d****d asprins, I don't have a headache!" was the wife's reply.

"Wahoo!", shouted Bumblenertz, "THASH' JUST WHAT I WANTED T' HEAR!"

[Minnie's Mate]

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you,
being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you
and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter,
I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be
spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn
Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following
letter on the dining room table:



My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my
being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind
you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher
at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read
this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students,
who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like
your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has
an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the
same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a
lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home
until sometime tomorrow.

[N2XBW]

A fellow walks out of an antique shop carrying a grandfather clock.
As he is navigating the sidewalk, he trips over a wino and falls on him.
The man gets up and asks the wino if he's ok; that he didn't see him there.
The wino replies, "Well you COULD if you'd wear a %$^&*# WATCH like everybody else!"

[62bam]

What do you say when someone steals your cheese?.........nachocheese!

[N2XBW]

Originally Posted by 62bam

What do you say when someone steals your cheese?.........nachocheese!

I'm busy today, so I'll laugh at that one tamale.

[ROBERT CROSS]

Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end".

R. J. Wiedemann LtCol. USMC Ret

This guy has nailed it.

[Phil and/or Sue]

We went to an Italian restaurant tonight. We have leftovers, so I'll have "pasta mañana".

[greywolf]

Pasta Luiegie! Via con huavos!

[N2XBW]

Once a Mason, Always a Mason.
Once a Knight....
...is plenty for anyone!

[greywolf]

Here's how the sex life of men go according to their age bracket:
In your 20's- Tri-weekly
30's- Try weekly
40's- Try weakly