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Old 04-14-2009, 04:09 AM   #435
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Sean O'Byrne fell asleep during mass and was quite loudly snoring.

Father Fitzpatrick became miffed at the racket, stopped the service and called out to Mrs. O'Byrne to wake her husband.

"You best come wake him, father," she replied. "After all, 'twas you put him asleep!"
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Old 04-14-2009, 06:03 AM   #436
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I wonder if the Easter Bunny gets workers comp?
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Old 04-14-2009, 11:21 AM   #437
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Did you hear about the two antennae that got married?
The wedding wasn't that great but the reception was EXCELLENT!
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Old 04-14-2009, 01:49 PM   #438
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Not That Doctor!

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
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Old 04-22-2009, 03:41 PM   #439
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Wink


My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
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Old 04-22-2009, 06:09 PM   #440
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Jethro and Lula-May decided to stop with nine children. They'd heard on the radio that every tenth baby born in the US is Hispanic, and neither of 'em can speak a word of Spanish.
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Old 04-25-2009, 09:01 PM   #441
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Baaa Studs!

What men do when they have too much time on their hands...

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Old 04-28-2009, 01:43 PM   #442
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Recession is when your neighbor loses his job.

Depression is when you lose your job.

Recovery is when Congress loses their jobs!!
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Old 04-30-2009, 03:52 PM   #443
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You may be a taliban if...

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you

have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and

$5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't
afford shoes for your kids.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand,

but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles:

bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't

declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but

routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell

phones have uses other than setting off
roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think

every man should own at least one.

10. You've always had a crush on your

neighbor's goat

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Old 05-03-2009, 09:15 AM   #444
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please
come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw
puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when
it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the
box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the
puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the
puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at
the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all,
no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
asemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to
relax. Let's have a nicecup of tea, and then..."
He said with a deep sigh...

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
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Old 05-03-2009, 11:28 AM   #445
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A rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.

'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'

'Well,' said the rancher, 'Is yer Mother here?' '

'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'

'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'

No sir, 'He went with Mom and Dad.'

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'

'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae in a family way.'

The boy considered for a moment. 'Well, sir, you would have to talk to Pa about that', he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $200 for the bull, $100 for the hound, $50 for the boar hog, and $5 for the rooster...but I really don't recon he's figgered yet on what he's gonna get fer Howard.'
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Old 05-04-2009, 07:18 AM   #446
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, we men would go through life thinking we had no faults at all.
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Old 05-04-2009, 08:06 AM   #447
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Lawyer Stuff

With respect to the lawyers among us who we never think much about until we need one. Kinda like the Roto-Router guy.

Subject: Need a lawyer?

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
and are things people actually said in court, word for
word, taken down and now published by court reporters that
had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you
that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
at all?

WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is
he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?

WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No , this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them..The live
ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school
did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

AND FINALLY:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy , did you
check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure , Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,

nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could
have been alive and practicing law.




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Old 05-04-2009, 05:41 PM   #448
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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students.

The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd
grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade
too!'

Ms. Brooks had, had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
Principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to
go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
Should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I
have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling..

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions
wrong.....'
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