Welcome! AS Comedy Club

[greywolf]

My wife is always complaing that I'm not listening to her, or something like that. I listen to her, I just can't remember what it is that she says most of the time.

[ROBERT CROSS]

Amazing simple home remedies:

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

[Minnie's Mate]

Originally Posted by greywolf

Out of sheer boredom and not having anything else better to do, I took out a ruler and made the appropriate measurement comparisions, this isn't true!

Uh, you're supposed to take your measurements when it's happy!

[N2XBW]

Originally Posted by Minnie's Mate

Uh, you're supposed to take your measurements when it's happy!

12 inches is seldom the rule!

[ROBERT CROSS]

NYNerd » Blog Archive » 3 Stages Of A Man’s Life

[N2XBW]

Originally Posted by garry

more snow

Now, that-there's funny no matter who you are!

[greywolf]

Stages of a man's sex life according to his age:
20's- 30's --tri weekly
40's - 50's--try weekly
60 and up --try weakly

[N2XBW]

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

[ROBERT CROSS]

A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks
over at him and asks THE QUESTION......?


WIFE:'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:'Definitely not!'

WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'

HUSBAND:'Of course I do.'

WIFE:'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

WIFE: 'You would?' (with a hurt look)

HUSBANDmakes audible groan)

WIFE:'Would you live in our house?'

HUSBAND:'Sure, it's a great house.'

WIFE:'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

HUSBAND:'Where else would we sleep?'

WIFE:'Would you let her drive my car?'

HUSBAND:'Probably, it is almost new.'

WI FE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

HUSBAND:'That would seem like the proper thing to do'

WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'

HUSBAND'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'

WIFE:'Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND:'Yes, those are always good times.'

WIFE:'Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND:'No, she's left-handed.'

WIFE........ silence

HUSBAND: Cr@p

[N2XBW]

A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac

with a small butt, 36DD's;
who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a flying #*&@.

The End

[ROBERT CROSS]

A husband and wife are watching a TV program about
the phenomenon of mixed emotions.

The husband says, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you
can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the
same time!"

She thinks for a moment and then replies, "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."

[N2XBW]

Q. How do you know when you're watching a "Chick Flick"?

A. Whenever YOU wake up, SHE'S crying.

[N2XBW]

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad.. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard.'

[garry]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,

looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."



The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"



The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."



The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide

to kill your husband; that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All

kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"



The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.



The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Cantrell]

A proctologist decided he wanted to take a class about automobile engine repair at his local community college. The instructor explained that the grade for the course would be based soley upon the final exam--being able to fully disassemble an engine and then to reassemble it correctly.
The proctologist took the course and was handily able to perform the final exam. As the professor was passing out grades the doctor noticed he recieved a score of 150 while all the other students received 100s. After inquiring as to why he recieved a higher score, the professor said, "Well, doctor, I gave you 50 points for correctly dissassembling the engine, 50 points for correctly reassembling the engine, and 50 bonus points for doing the whole thing through the tailpipe."

[N2XBW]

Sadie and Mort had a big problem. After nearly 40 years of marital bliss, Mort could no longer satisfy his wife's desire.

Since the satisfaction of desire is a right of the wife under Jewish law, They took their problem to their Rabbi.

The learned man thought about their problem for a bit, then stated, "Find a viril young man, and when you are doing the act, have him strip to the waist and wave a towel over the two of you. Thus will Sadie be satisfied, amen."

Anxious to try the solution, the two immediately employed a strapping young fellow to perform the task. But alas, try as they might, Sadie was once again disappointed.

Frustrated, and believing the young fellow somehow failed to do things correctly, Mort
Proposed that the he and the young buck switch places. So, Mort wildly waved the towel while the young fellow did Sadie.

As Sadie began to respond with moans of pleasure, the tempo of the towel and the young fellow's loins picked up until all was well.

As Sadie let out long sighs of pleasant relief, a very pleased-with-himself Mort addressed the young man. "And that, you SCHMUCK, is how to wave a towel!

[ROBERT CROSS]

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is doggie style....



The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

[N2XBW]

A guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous b***h, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

[Phil and/or Sue]

I heard an ad for a jewelry store on the radio the other day:

An unmarried man is incomplete. A married man is FINISHED.

[wheel interested]

"My generation was secretive, brooding, ambitious, show-offy, and this generation is congenial. Totally. I imagine them walking around with GPS chips that notify them when a friend is in the vicinity, and their GPSes guide them to each other in clipped electronic lady voices and they sit down side by side in a coffee shop and text-message each other while checking their e-mail and hopping and skipping around Facebook to see who has posted pictures of their weekend." -Garrison Keillor