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Old 01-18-2009, 07:13 PM   #393
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aage View Post
The rabbi responds, "No...I think I'll wait for the highway patrol."

Oy!
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Old 01-25-2009, 08:10 PM   #394
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A Woman's Poem...


He didn't like the casserole,


And he didn't like my cake.


He said my biscuits were too hard...


Not like his mother used to make.


I didn't perk the coffee right,


He didn't like the stew.


I didn't mend his socks,


The way his mother used to do.


I pondered for an answer,


I was looking for a clue.


Then I turned around and smacked him hard...


Like his mother used to do.
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Old 01-26-2009, 06:02 PM   #395
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A Woman's Poem...

John- I hope my Mom laughs as much as we did on this one because I sent her a copy. Thanks...

Keep em coming.
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Old 01-26-2009, 06:36 PM   #396
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It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.


The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow.


"I know," said the butcher with a smile,"I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."



When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

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Old 01-27-2009, 10:18 AM   #397
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speaking of mothers...

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science
classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper.
The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his
head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to refrigerate.
2. No freshness date because it never goes sour.
3. Available as necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer.
He sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly,
he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, wrote his
fourth answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
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Old 01-27-2009, 11:35 AM   #398
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How are a woman's breasts like a model railroad?

They're made for kids, but it's usually the dads that end up playing with them.
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Old 01-30-2009, 11:14 AM   #399
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A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"
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Old 01-30-2009, 12:48 PM   #400
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Did you hear about the disgraced English major who robbed a bank and later got knifed in the gut during a prison riot? He was forced to end his sentence with a semi-colon.
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Old 01-31-2009, 10:50 AM   #401
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A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.

'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times..?'

'Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he just kept telling me how great it was going to be.

'Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

'Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

'Husband # 4 was inTelemarketing;even though he knew he had theorder, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

'Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

'Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

'Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

'Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

'Husband # 10 was aStamp Collector; all he ever did was......... ..God I miss him.

' But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.

'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?

'You're with the IRS. Now I know I'm finally gonna get it good!
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Old 02-05-2009, 04:26 PM   #402
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Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men does it take to do the dishes?

A. Both of them.
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Old 02-06-2009, 08:15 AM   #403
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More on old age

THIS SHOULD MAKE YOU SMILE



SERENITY
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the
very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is
You can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an
hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.



My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
' For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.




Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!!
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Old 02-06-2009, 08:57 AM   #404
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Granny went to the doctor.
"I've a strange complaint," she stated, "I pass gass often, but fortunately the're silent and oderless."

The practicioner examined her and prescribed an antibiotic.

Two weeks later Granny returned with a different complaint.

"I still have silent gas", she crabbed, "But now it stinks to high heaven!"

"Well," stated the medico, "We have your sinuses cleard up, now let's get you some hearing aids!"
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Old 02-09-2009, 09:31 AM   #405
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Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder. Now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own Construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'
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Old 02-09-2009, 11:38 AM   #406
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A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Traffic Cop: Don't have one?
Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Traffic Cop: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Traffic Cop: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.
Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license quizzically.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!
Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
DONíT MESS WITH MATURE LADIES!!!
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