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Old 01-07-2009, 02:40 PM   #379
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God & the biker

A biker was riding on a highway along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said: "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said: "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required would each the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, Why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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Old 01-08-2009, 07:42 AM   #380
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PFC.....

“After all these years the reason I continue to love Thanksgiving.....I still sit at the kids table.”
RLC

Sandra wanted to go to Cleveland on vacation,
but I’m the Husband, so we went to Cleveland.
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Old 01-08-2009, 09:43 AM   #381
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Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration.

The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is
one more test. Unless you pass it, you cannot enter the United States of
America."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up,
and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a Verizon help
desk. I talked to him just yesterday.
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Old 01-13-2009, 06:37 AM   #382
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$7 SEX

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'



The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'




The doctor raises both eyebrows,
but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says,
'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck,
he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems,
pays the doctor, then leave.


Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

TheHoliday Inn charges $98.


The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.


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PFC.....

“After all these years the reason I continue to love Thanksgiving.....I still sit at the kids table.”
RLC

Sandra wanted to go to Cleveland on vacation,
but I’m the Husband, so we went to Cleveland.
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Old 01-13-2009, 08:26 AM   #383
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A State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles North of the Michigan/Indiana State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne , IN to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunken good old boy from Michigan got out, watched the performance,
then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my *** to jail, 'cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.'
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Old 01-13-2009, 11:00 PM   #384
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Frank's new rifle.

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake...that was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices... " Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down that grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said,

"Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you??"
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Old 01-14-2009, 03:31 PM   #385
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No shoes!

NO SHOES

A young blond woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on
vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in
the worst way but was very reluctant to pay the high prices that the
local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the young blonde declared , "Well, then, maybe I'll just
go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes
for free!"

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why
don't you go on and give it a try?"

The blond headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the
same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in
hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator
swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled
it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the
blond struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its
back.

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....

CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!
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Old 01-15-2009, 09:49 PM   #386
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On relationships...

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
--Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
--Jay Leno

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfield
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Old 01-16-2009, 07:34 AM   #387
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A guywalks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'


Passenger: 'Who?'


Cabbie:'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'


Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'


Cabbie:'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the tennis Grand-Slam. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy .'


Passenger:'Sounds like he was something really special.'


Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger:'Wow, some guy then.'


Cabbie:'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'


Passenger:'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'


Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his widow.'
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Old 01-16-2009, 08:06 AM   #388
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Smile Everything I need to know

Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark.

ONE: Don't miss the boat.

TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

SIX: Build your future on high ground.

SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

NINE: When you're stressed, float a while.

TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
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Old 01-16-2009, 05:05 PM   #389
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Exclamation Danger - wallet scam

A 'heads up' for those of you who may be regular Home Depot or Lowes customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another hardware store. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 22nd & 23rd. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 10th, 14th,16th, 20th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Target has wallets on sale for $2.99.

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Old 01-16-2009, 07:49 PM   #390
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George Carlin's view on aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?

If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.

You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. . . YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.

Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away
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Old 01-18-2009, 01:01 PM   #391
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Don't step on the ducks!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, t
here are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, t
he second woman steps accidentally on a duck.
And along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and n
ot wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months w
ithout stepping on any ducks, but
One day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on- tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,
'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

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Old 01-18-2009, 07:09 PM   #392
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Another rabbi and priest joke

A rabbi is driving down a small side street, and suddenly his car hits another head-on. He gets out of his car and walks over to the other one to make sure nobody was hurt. He discovers that the other driver, who was unharmed, is a priest. The two clergymen start talking and agree that it is a miracle that neither one was hurt. It must be a sign from God. The rabbi's eyes light up, and he returns to his car. He rejoins the priest, carrying a bottle in his hands.

The rabbi tells the priest that it must also be a sign from God that he happened to have a bottle of wine in his car. They should have a drink of Thanksgiving. The priest heartily agrees. The rabbi pours two cups of wine. The priest drinks it down in a single gulp, but the rabbi doesn't touch his. The priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Aren't you going to drink, too?" The rabbi responds, "No...I think I'll wait for the highway patrol."
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