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Old 12-11-2008, 07:37 PM   #365
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What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by c-section".
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Old 12-11-2008, 09:01 PM   #366
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Why Dogs Might Be Better Than Women: 1. The later you are the more excited dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs, 3. Dogs don't notice when you call them by another dog's name. 4. Dogs are rather excited by rough play.. 5. Even fat, ugly guys can get a beautiful, loving dog. 6. Dogs really appreciate body hair. 7. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away. 8. Females don't mind if you call them a "bitch." 9. Dogs like it when you leave a lot of things on the floor.10. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.11. A dog's parents never visit.12. A dog's disposition remains the same all month long.13. Dogs love long car trips.14. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions,15. Dogs don't hate their bodies.16. Dogs never criticize.17. Dogs like beer.18. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you had.19. Dogs agree that you sometimes have to raise your voice to get your point across.20. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.21. You never have to wait on a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.22. Dogs never expect gifts.23. Dogs have no use for cards, flowers or jewelry.24. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.25. Dogs find you amusing when you are drunk.26. Dogs can't talk.27. Dogs don't put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.28. Dogs seldom outlve you.29. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.30. When a dog gets old and snaps at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
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Old 12-11-2008, 09:31 PM   #367
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I don't know why all the fuss about gas under a buck!


For years, I've gotten gas for less than a dollar everytime I go to Taco Bell!
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Old 12-12-2008, 12:37 PM   #368
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Originally Posted by Phil and/or Sue View Post
I don't know why all the fuss about gas under a buck! For years, I've gotten gas for less than a dollar everytime I go to Taco Bell!
Put down the chalupa and put your hands up. Uh-oh, what's that odor?
Did sombody leave the oven turned on?
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Old 12-25-2008, 05:20 PM   #369
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A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so
they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the
price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.
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Old 12-25-2008, 09:27 PM   #370
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A woman looked over her back yard fence to see her neighbour's 7 year-old daughter digging a hole in their garden.
"Hello", she says, "what are you digging that hole for?"
"My goldfish is dead so I'm burying it", replies the little girl.
"Isn't that a big hole for a goldfish", says the woman
"Not really", retorts the little girl, "because he's inside your ******* cat!"

Merry Xmas!!
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Old 12-26-2008, 07:56 AM   #371
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A fellow sees his dog playing with something in the back yard. Upon investigation he recognizes his neighbor's daughter's pet bunny covered in dog slobber and dirt. It is dead of course. His dog gives him the "guilty as charged" look.

In a panic, he cleans the dirt off the bedragled rabbit, waits for dark and puts it back in the hutch in his neighbor's yard.

Next morning he hears the little girl screaming and assumes she has found her pet dead in the cage.

He goes to the back fence and innocently asks his neighbor what's up.

"Fluffy died three days ago and we even had a funeral," fumed the neighbor. Now some sickhas dug him up and put him back in the hutch!"
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Old 01-05-2009, 09:21 AM   #372
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He was a stranger...

In the "good ole days" there were always store philosophers who spent their days discussing the business of the world and determining ways things in life could be made just a little bit better. Growing up I was always amazed at how the same people could always be found around the old potbelly stoves located in these country merchandise establishments day after day and still manage to make a living. It seemed to me that they would sooner or later have to go home and go to work on the farm. However, no matter when you visited the store they would be there waxing beautifully on days gone by.

An elderly gentlemen that everyone called "Uncle Ed" ran one such store and it had its share of store setters. "Uncle Ed" was a very religious man and after every sale he would come up with a Bible verse that in some way pertained to what was sold or who bought it. For example, one day a small boy came in and bought a sack of flour and some dye for his mama.

Before "Uncle Ed" rang up the sale he said, "Suffer the little children and come unto me."

Another time a young man came by the store and bought his father and mother an anniversary present.
"Uncle Ed" said as he punched the sale button on the old cash register, "Honor your father and mother."
He was very creative in his daily store devotionals and all the store setters were always interested in what "Uncle Ed" would quote.

One day, a stranger stopped by and was needing the
assistance of "Uncle Ed" due to an accident he had with a cup of
coffee. He was a business man from the "big city".
It seems the city business man stopped a little too quick at the crossroads and had spilled his coffee all over his fancy dress shirt. He was on his way to a very important meeting in Nashville and was needing a new shirt to replace the one he spilled coffee all over.

"Uncle Ed" told him he did have dress shirts in stock and he would go in the back room and get his size. He brought the white shirt out to the counter and asked $5 for the purchase.
The business man seemed to be insulted that the shirt cost so little. So, "Uncle Ed" returned to the back room and brought out another shirt, this time asking $20 for the business man's purchase.
The business man was still insulted. He told "Uncle Ed", "I am a very important man. I am heading to Nashville to close a multi-million dollar deal and there is no way I will show up for that meeting in a $20 shirt. Don't you have anything better?"

Of course all the store setters knew "Uncle Ed" only had one
kind of dress shirt. They were white and usually cost $5, but "Uncle Ed" had been going into the back room and bringing out the same shirt and changing the price just to please the business man.

Once again, "Uncle Ed" made his trip to the back room and brings out the same shirt, but asking this time $50 for the white shirt.
This pleased the business man and he paid "Uncle Ed" and headed on his way to his important meeting in Nashville.
The time had now come for "Uncle Ed" to press the sale button and record the sale of the white shirt. Before pressing the button he looked toward the back of the store and saw all of the store setters waiting for the Bible verse he would place on this unusual business transaction.
You could have heard a pin drop as the old store owner cleared his throat and slowly pushed the button. You could have heard a pin drop as the old store owner cleared his throat and slowly pushed the button.
As the cash register rang "Uncle Ed" said in a loud clear voice, "He was a stranger and I TOOK HIM IN!"

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Old 01-05-2009, 03:38 PM   #373
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A duck walks into a pub...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"!

"I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see you're ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly," says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we don't get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ring leader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him: "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call, he could earn thousands"

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says,"Hey Mr Duck I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus" says the landlord.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right" replies the landlord.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?"

"That's right!" says the landlord

The duck looks confused. "What the hell do they want with a plasterer?"
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Old 01-05-2009, 04:00 PM   #374
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"...The duck looks confused. "What the hell do they want with a plasterer?"

EXCELLENT!
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Old 01-06-2009, 03:12 AM   #375
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Thanks. Humour has a lot to do with where you're looking from, doesn't it?
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Old 01-06-2009, 08:53 AM   #376
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TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE.

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night making love.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
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Old 01-06-2009, 08:56 PM   #377
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A rope walks into a bar. The bouncer stops him and says, "Sorry, we don't serve ropes here."

The rope leaves. Outside, he ties himself into a knot and splits all his loose ends.

The rope walks back into the bar. The bouncer stops him and says, "Hey, aren't you the rope I just kicked out of here?"

The rope replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
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Old 01-07-2009, 07:34 AM   #378
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A drunk was brought in front of the magistrate well after midnight.
"I found this fellow dragging a chain down the middle of main street, your honor," says Clancy the cop.
"What do you have to say?" asked the weary judge. "Why were you dragging a chain down Main Street?"
"Waaal yer honor," replied the inebriate," Did y'ever try t' PUSH one?"
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