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Old 10-18-2008, 09:21 PM   #351
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There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington , DC this year.

This isn't for any religious reason,they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
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Old 10-19-2008, 09:09 AM   #352
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A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end
'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.'

The woman said, 'I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

That's 'Putting Your Affairs In Order’.


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Old 10-19-2008, 09:29 AM   #353
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If "MEN are from MARS",
and "WOMEN from VENUS",
Are GAYS from URANUS?

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Old 10-22-2008, 10:39 AM   #354
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Quote:
Originally Posted by N2XBW View Post
If "MEN are from MARS",
and "WOMEN from VENUS",
Are GAYS from URANUS?

Too funny!


But no, that's just where they go when they go on dates!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 10-22-2008, 10:41 AM   #355
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The United Way realized that it had never received a

donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So
a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in
his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our

research shows that even though your annual income

is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny

to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back

to your community through the United Way?'



The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did

your research also show you that my mother is

dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge

medical bills that are far beyond her ability to

pay?'



Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no,

I didn't know that.'





'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my

brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined

to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife

and six children?



The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an

apology, but is cut off again.



'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my

sister's husband died in dreadful car accident,

leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three

children, one of whom is disabled and another that

has learning disabilities requiring an array of

private tutors?'



The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten,

says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'



And the lawyer says, 'So...if I didn't give any

money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to
you?'
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Old 10-22-2008, 10:59 AM   #356
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A young seminarian took an internship at a prosperous rural church.

The pastor decided to get the young fellow off to a running start, so he charged him with presenting the closing prayer at a farmer's funeral to be held the very next day.

Awaking late, the young fellow sped to the church only to find the custodian sweeping up.

"You just missed the funeral, lad," said the sexton, "But maybe you can catch up with them at the burial."

"Which cemetary will it be?" pleaded the harried fellow.

"Ain't NO cemetary," replied the old man," They's burying him on his own farm out on Tobin Road."

Rushing along Tobin Road, the lad spotted a group of men working with shovels.

Thinking he'd once again arrived too late, he decided to do his job regardless. He pulled the car to a hault and rushed over to the hole the men were filling. There he began a long eloquent prayer, interlaced with Biblical verse and heartfelt emotion.

When he'd finished and left, the workmen -now somewhat subdued- returned to their task.

"You know," said one, "That-there was the bestest prayer I ever heard said over a new septic system."
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Old 10-27-2008, 09:22 PM   #357
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George Carlin on Life?

"I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, start out dead and get it out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and finally you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case."
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Old 10-27-2008, 09:44 PM   #358
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minnie's Mate View Post
Too funny!


But no, that's just where they go when they go on dates!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought they went to Pluto.
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Old 10-28-2008, 03:51 PM   #359
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Two blondes are waiting at the bus stop.

As a bus stops the first blonde steps on and asks the driver, "Will this bus take me to Center St.?"

The driver answers, "No."

Then the second blond smiles, fiddles with her blouse buttons, winks at the driver, and coos, "Will it take ME to Center St.?
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Old 11-10-2008, 09:35 PM   #360
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Funny? Maybe not, but sometimes ya' gotta' laugh.
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago you would have $49.00 left.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214.00 cash.
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Old 11-10-2008, 10:10 PM   #361
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Stanly, not the sharpest nail in the keg, went to the big dance down in the village.
There were several door prizes given out, And Stanly won a toilet brush donated by Green's Hardware.

A week or so later one of his coworkers asked him, "So then Stan, how do you like t' big prize you won from the dance, eh?"

"Wall," started Stanley, "I guss a terlet brush is OK fer some, an' it saves money, but I think I'll swich back t' paper."
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Old 12-02-2008, 04:42 PM   #362
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Bzzzzzzzzzzzz!

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual electronic gimmick.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a shiny aluminum robot that John claimed was actually a robotic lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!

You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately swung around to Marsha and chased her as she ran out the door.
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Old 12-06-2008, 10:08 AM   #363
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Enclosed is my 2007 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see the
Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a
toilet seat.

I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value
$1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund,"
as noted on my return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw
(article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5"
Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to
paying it again next year.
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Old 12-06-2008, 02:21 PM   #364
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Little Patrick was sitting on the curb holding a flat bottle of a clear liquid up to his eyes. As he turned the glass one way then another, he seemed mesmerized by the view through the side.

Father Flynn, the parish priest came walking along. Seeing the lad so fascinated, he inquired, "Now Patrick lad, what is in that old whiskey flask that keeps you so interested?"

"Oh Father," replied the boy, "'tis a wee bit of turpentine, the most powerful liquid on this earth, don't you know!"

"Well now, Patrick," the pastor corrected, "Turpintine is indeed very powerful, but not as powerful as God's own holy water. Why, did you know that a drop of the holy water on an expectant woman's belly will cause her to pass a baby boy."

"Meanin' no disrespect Father," the boy replied, "But if you put a drop of THIS under a cat's tail, he'll pass a MOTORCYCLE!"
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