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N2XBW · 09-09-2009, 09:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by greywolf

Don't take life too seriously, it's not like you're going to get out alive anyways.

OR...
Move to Israel. They have the Highest Resurrection Rate In the World!

N2XBW · 09-21-2009, 05:03 PM

A musician who's spent his entire life trying to get a record deal is feeling extremely depressed. He's been turned down by every record company he's ever contacted. No one recognizes him, no one cares. So, he decides to top himself and comes up with an ingenious plan to get back at all the record companies who've rejected him all of his life.

He books time at a recording studio, and instructs the sound engineer to record everything he says and every sound he hears, then copy it all onto 1000 CD's and send a CD to every record company executive on a list that he lays on the console.

The guy walks into the vocal booth, the engineer says "let's try it", and he begins..

"This is a message for all you sycophantic, talentless, stupid record company a-holes who've ignored me for all these years. I've dedicated my life to writing beautiful, emotive, soul-searching music, and all you bastards do is discard my tapes, never return my phone calls, and sign these horrible, no-talent, ridiculous, dumb bands, and these filthy, dirty rappers! Well, you bunch of morons, you parasites, you idiots; I've taken all I can of your puerile, shallow industry, and it's you who have driven me to this! Goodbye you fxxxn' murderers of art!"

With that, he pulls out a gun, puts it to his head and blows his brains out.

The engineer says, "OK, level's good - wanna go for a take?"

chapparel · 09-22-2009, 10:28 PM

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N2XBW · 09-23-2009, 10:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chapparel

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A good one!

chapparel · 09-23-2009, 10:31 PM

People of walmart
Now all we need is Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem for a reunion tour.

N2XBW · 09-25-2009, 05:02 PM

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.

Most of us have naively thought this was connected with
tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington D.C. has
recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into
the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the
Dot to see whether he's won a convenience store, a gas station,
a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in America.

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones
and provide us with technical support.

Minnie's Mate · 09-28-2009, 08:10 PM

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. ~ Mark Twain

chapparel · 09-28-2009, 10:23 PM

Jose and Carlos are beggars. They beg in different areas
of town.
Carlos begs for the same amount of time
as Jose, but only collects about $8..00 or $9.00 a
day. Jose brings home a
suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day, he
drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to
spend.
"Hey,
amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long
and hard as you do, so how
come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills
every day?
Jose
says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlo's sign reads; "I have
no work, a wife and six kids to support."
"What's wrong with that?" Carlos
asks him.
"No
wonder you only get $8.00 or $9.00 a day!"
Carlo's says, "All right, what does your
sign say?"
It reads, "I
only need another ten dollars to get back
to Mexico...."
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N2XBW · 09-29-2009, 06:46 AM

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers
a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$121,237.65".

The boss says "$121,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid
says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish
hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing
rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the
coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the
boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said
he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

chapparel · 09-29-2009, 10:30 PM

I have just had a call from a Charity, asking me to donate some of
my clothes to the starving people all throughout the world.

I told them to kiss off!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!
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chapparel · 09-30-2009, 08:21 AM

Sunburn Treatment
Bet you never thought of this... New Treatment For
Sunburn!!
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got
horrible
sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after
being
diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe
pain he
was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous
feeding with
saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every
four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good
will
Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his
condition, but it'll
keep the sheets off his legs.'
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N2XBW · 09-30-2009, 01:02 PM

Two businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old-timer walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a^^-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old gent said, "Looks like you're doing well. Only two left."

chapparel · 10-01-2009, 08:41 PM

Check this out,

N2XBW · 10-02-2009, 12:35 PM

A sweel little-ol' Texas lady was driving across a long bridge in Austin one day. As she neared the middle of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' (means 'getting ready to' in Texas ) to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids...."

She said, "Well then, at least Remember the Alamo ."

He asked, ''What's the Alamo ?''

She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb-a** Yankee.''

Phil and/or Sue · 10-04-2009, 08:27 AM

Did you hear about the awesome new diet? It'll take your breadth away!

N2XBW · 10-04-2009, 10:03 AM

They call it Fall because the leaves leave.

chapparel · 10-04-2009, 10:41 PM

N2XBW · 10-05-2009, 09:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chapparel

Yet another knee-slapper!

Minnie's Mate · 10-06-2009, 09:16 PM

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio cast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

chapparel · 10-06-2009, 10:16 PM

Circumcised(this is priceless!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'

KIDS; DON'T YOU JUST LOVE 'EM!