> The Handywoman
>
> A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as
> a handywoman and started canvassing the neighbourhoods.
>
> She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he
> had any odd jobs for her to do.
>
> 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much
> will you charge me?'
>
> The blonde quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
>
> The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need
> was in the garage.
>
> The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she
> realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?'
>
> He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
>
> The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
> dumb blonde jokes .'
>
> A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her
> money. 'You finished already?' the husband asked.
>
> 'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two
> coats - no extra charge.'
>
> Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to
> her.................
>
>
>
>
>
> 'And by the way,' the blonde added ...
> 'it's not a Porch -- it's an Audi.'
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes.
Suddenly, a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination gainst not only blonds, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!
The ventriloquist, feeling very embarrassed, begins to apologize, and the blond yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little on your knee'.
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'
The second old guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The first old guy says, 'Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?'
The second old guy says,'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours.'
So these two old gentlemen that collided in the Wal-Mart become friends. One evening the four of them are visiting. While the wives are in the kitchen, one old gent mentions that he and his wife went to an excellent restaurant last night. The service was great, the food was spectacular and the prices were very reasonable. The second fellow asks, "what was the name of the restaurant?" The first gent thinks for a few minutes, then asks, "what's the name of the long red flower with thorns on the stem?" "A rose." comes the reply. The first fellow yells, "That's IT!" Then he yells toward the kitchen, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we ate at last night?"
I'm still wandering around Wal-Mart looking for the 27 year old red head with blue eyes!
__________________
2006 30' Safari - "Changes in Latitudes"
2008 F-250 Lariat Power Stroke Diesel Crew Cab SWB
Family of Disney Fanatics
WBCCI# 4821 streamin across america
"Uncle John", he asked, "What do women REALLY want?"
I always thought it was a negotiated settlement.
__________________
2006 30' Safari - "Changes in Latitudes"
2008 F-250 Lariat Power Stroke Diesel Crew Cab SWB
Family of Disney Fanatics
WBCCI# 4821 streamin across america
Two elderly
gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree
when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and
I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you
feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!?
Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just
wet my pants.'
__________________
2006 30' Safari - "Changes in Latitudes"
2008 F-250 Lariat Power Stroke Diesel Crew Cab SWB
Family of Disney Fanatics
WBCCI# 4821 streamin across america
A man was fishing offshore in beautiful conditions.
His first drop began with a 65 lb Kingfish and the second produced a 20 lb
snapper.
On the third drop he had just scored his first ever Yellowfin tuna when
his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition in the intensive care unit.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible.
As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his
best ever fishing trip. He decided to get in a couple of more drifts before
heading to the hospital. He ended up catching several personal bests, and
all in all, had his best days fishing by far.
He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed
to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and kept fishing
didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your last!'
For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!'
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor snickered and said, 'Aw, I'm just messing with you. She's dead.
What'd you catch?'
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the l ittle boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the WorkingClass while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ....
'The President is screwing the WorkingClass while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ....
Sounds like he has it about figured out to me.
__________________
2006 30' Safari - "Changes in Latitudes"
2008 F-250 Lariat Power Stroke Diesel Crew Cab SWB
Family of Disney Fanatics
WBCCI# 4821 streamin across america
MISSING HUSBAND
Ray was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!'
The next morning Ray got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
> A cabbie picks up a Nun.
>
>
>
> She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
> cab driver won't stop staring at her.
>
>
>
> She asks him why he is staring.
>
>
>
> He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I
> don't want to offend you.'
>
>
>
> She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When
> you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I
> have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
> everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
> say or ask that I would find offensive.'
>
>
>
>
>
> 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
> me.'
>
>
>
> She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about
> that:
>
>
>
> #1, you have to be single and
> #2, you must be Catholic.'
>
>
>
> The cab driver is very excited and says,
> 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
>
>
>
>
>
> 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next
> alley.'
>
>
>
> The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a
> hooker blush.
>
>
> But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
> crying.
> 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you
> crying?'
>
>
>
> 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must
> confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
>
>
>
> The nun says, 'That's OK.
> My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
> party.'
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "In the end we shall have had enough of cynicism,
> skepticism and humbug,
> and we shall live more musically."
> Vincent Van Gogh
>
>
>
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