Welcome! AS Comedy Club

[N2XBW]

I wonder how KY Jelly would be on TX Toast?

[Minnie's Mate]

Originally Posted by N2XBW

I wonder how KY Jelly would be on TX Toast?

Well, I bet you wouldn't need milk to wash it down.

[Minnie's Mate]

I thought these were appropriate these days.

[ROBERT CROSS]

We have lost one of the greatest humorists of our lifetime!!!


R.I.P.




A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.



George Carlin

[Minnie's Mate]

I hope this isn't too risqué for this forum, but I thought it rather cute.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles
black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much.. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely..... ..







A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back ? '








.

[N2XBW]

Abe and Goldie finally packed up the Airstream and set out for Texas.
Texas! As a kid Abe had always wanted to go to Texas and become a cowpoke. Now, so many years later, here he was in the Real Old West!

The second day in Texas, Abe went to the camp store and came back sporting a pair of cowboy boots.

"Ahem..." says Abe, "You see I got anything maybe different Goldie?"

Sitting in the shade of the awning, not even looking up from her book, Goldie answers, "Different? What now could be different about you. Married we've been for 45 years. Different, schmifferent, I've seen it all." She returned to her reading.

Angry, Abe stormed into the trailer. Shortly thereafter out he came naked as a jaybird except for the cowboy boots. "Now look and tell me what is different!" he challanged.

Glancing up with a bored look, Goldie replied, "Same old thing hanging down." Then she returned to her book.

Furious, Abe shouted, "And would 'her highness' KNOW WHY the same old thing is hanging down?"

"No?"

"Because he's looking at my NEW COWBOY BOOTS!"

"So go get a HAT!"

[greywolf]

Recently my wife and six year old daughter were riding in the truck with me when I told my wife I needed to get some gas. As I was driving across town to get to the "cheap" gas station my daughter kept announcing, "Dad! your passing gas!" My daughter would repeatedly say this block after block. Finally, frustated I told my daughter, "I've been behaiving myself so far but if you really want to experience what it's like for me to pass gass, just keep bugging me about it!" My wife got onto our daughter real quick then and said, "Don't get your father started or we'll both suffer!" Then our daughter instantly clarified herself by saying she was talking about me driving past all the other gas stations!

[Bambi75th]

One rancher, trying to impress another he has just met, says "I have to drive a half a day in my truck just to get from the house out to the main road". To which the other rancher says, "yeah, I used to have a truck like that, too."

[Minnie's Mate]

This is Obama's idea to clear out all the animal shelters to pacify the P.E.T.A. folks and to come up with an immigration policy all at the same time:

Please note the barbed wire border fence between the chihuahuas and the beagle patrol dogs (hard to see at this scale).

[N2XBW]

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"

[Minnie's Mate]

This is what the new Army and Air force will look like if Barrack Obama is elected:

[Minnie's Mate]

This is what the new Army and Air force will look like if Barrack Obama is elected.

To save on fuel and the cost of HUM-V's:





To save on wing mounted artillery:

[N2XBW]

[N2XBW]

Two very good friends were 180degrees apart on their politics. Wishing to remain friends, they steadfastly avoided the topic in conversation so their encounters would always be friendly and uplifting. And from now, on this non-political list, I will as well.

Keepin' it friendly...
John / N2XBW