Welcome! AS Comedy Club

[Babeebloos]

What men do when they have too much time on their hands...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2FX9rviEhw

[N2XBW]

Recession is when your neighbor loses his job.

Depression is when you lose your job.

Recovery is when Congress loses their jobs!!

[N2XBW]

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you
have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and
$5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't
afford shoes for your kids.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand,
but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles:
bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't
declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but
routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell
phones have uses other than setting off
roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think
every man should own at least one.

10. You've always had a crush on your
neighbor's goat

[Minnie's Mate]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please
come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw
puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when
it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the
box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the
puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the
puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at
the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all,
no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
asemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to
relax. Let's have a nicecup of tea, and then..."
He said with a deep sigh...

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[N2XBW]

A rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.

'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'

'Well,' said the rancher, 'Is yer Mother here?' '

'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'

'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'

No sir, 'He went with Mom and Dad.'

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'

'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae in a family way.'

The boy considered for a moment. 'Well, sir, you would have to talk to Pa about that', he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $200 for the bull, $100 for the hound, $50 for the boar hog, and $5 for the rooster...but I really don't recon he's figgered yet on what he's gonna get fer Howard.'

[Minnie's Mate]

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, we men would go through life thinking we had no faults at all.

[GlenCoombe]

With respect to the lawyers among us who we never think much about until we need one. Kinda like the Roto-Router guy.

Subject: Need a lawyer?

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
and are things people actually said in court, word for
word, taken down and now published by court reporters that
had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you
that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is
he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No , this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them..The live
ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school
did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

AND FINALLY:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy , did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure , Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could
have been alive and practicing law.

[N2XBW]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students.

The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd
grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade
too!'

Ms. Brooks had, had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
Principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to
go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
Should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I
have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling..

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions
wrong.....'

[shermybaby]

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, Texas.

After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward ! a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any
alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan. "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy!"

[N2XBW]

Boudreaux lib cross de bayou from Clarence,who he don like at all. Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each other.. Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou, I come over dere an beat you up good, yeah!"

Dis went on fo years. Finally de state done build a bridge cross dat bayou right by dere houses and Boudreaux's wife, Ma'rie, say, "Now is you chance, Boudreaux. Why don you go over der an beat up dat Clarence like you say?"

Boudreaux say, "OK," and start across de bridge,but he see a sign on de bridge an he stop an read it and den he go back home.

Ma'rie say, "Why you back so soon?"

And Boudreaux say, "Ma'rie, I dun change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know Ma'rie, dey got a sign on dat dere bridge dat say, 'Clarence 13 ft. 6 in.' You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him cross de bayou."

[Minnie's Mate]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:








GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

[N2XBW]

An elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn the Airstream around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and cane.'

[Minnie's Mate]

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck and slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

He said,...







"I found the remote."

[Minnie's Mate]

Documented first case of swine flu transferred to humans:

[N2XBW]

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she Hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!

[Minnie's Mate]

The Wongs




Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?

Sum Ting Wong

[N2XBW]

He's so dumb...

How dumb is he?

He's so dumb that if he fell into a barrel of t*ts, he'd come out sucking his thumb!

[N2XBW]

It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea . It is constantly raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Then one humid afternoon a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to choose one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the feed and fuel dealer.

The feed and fuel dealer takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, cheerful, and looking to the future with renewed optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how our Country is doing business today

[Minnie's Mate]

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how our Country is doing business today

Not exactly, that is how it has been done in the past. Now, under the new administration, that 100 euro note is going to have to make about a hundred billion trips around China before it makes its way back to the U.S. And that's how our Country will be doing business from today forward!

[Minnie's Mate]

The Italian Tomato Garden
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Vincent,
I am feeling sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you,
Vinnie