Welcome! AS Comedy Club

[N2XBW]

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just scooped up the little dog, tossed it on the floor, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! this American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch to the floor.

[ROBERT CROSS]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing..

[Minnie's Mate]

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer .....'

[N2XBW]

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron.'
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.' He looks at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog,
'Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, 'Ribbit Lucky frog.' The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole. 'What do you think frog?' the man asks.

'Ribbit 3 wood.'

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, 'OK where to next?'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit Las Vegas'

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now what?'

The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'

Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, 'What do you think I should bet?'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit $3000, black 6.' Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.. He sits the frog down and says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit KissMe.'

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

'And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.

[Minnie's Mate]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the
dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight
was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to
herself, 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went throug h a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through
three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'

[N2XBW]

An old fellow goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor said, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Harry replied, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor said.

A little later in the day, the doctor called Harry's wife. "Ethel," he said, "Harry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh no!" Ethel exclaimed. "The old fool's p--ing in the fridge again!"

[N2XBW]

A psychiatrist is holding a group therapy session with 4 young mothers and their small kids

He says "all 4 of you are obsessive."

He says to the first mom, "Jenny, you love to eat, and your obsession manifests itself in your daughter's name, Candy."

He says to the 2nd woman, "Susan, your obsession is with wealth. Your daughter's name, Mercedes reflects that."

Turning to the 3rd woman, he says, "Pam, you are obsessed with alcohol, and you named your child Sherry--again, another manifestation of your obsession."

The 4th mother leans to her son and says. "C'mon Dick, we're getting the heck out of here."

[345bill]

The boss of an advertising agency called a meeting. The purpose was to have a contest, the theme being Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. With all the laughter and comradery they created a Top 10 list which are:

10. Viagra, Whaazzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs...

[N2XBW]

An old Indian picks up a hooker. 'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.
'$100,' she replies.
He says 'Do you do da Indian style?'
'No' she says.
'How about $200 to do it da Indian style?'
'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is.
‘How ‘bout $300?'
'No', she says.
‘$400?'
'No', she says.
So finally he says, 'OK, $1,000 to do it Indian style.'
She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world.
How bad could Indian Style be?''.
So she agrees and goes with him. They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.
Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Indian style'?'
The Indian replies 'Now you send da bill to da Government'

[345bill]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters.

Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.

Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forgot.
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
Witness: We both do.
Attorney: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Attorney: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.

Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Witness: He's twenty, much like your IQ

Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you shitting me?

Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th.?
Witness: Yes
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
Witness: getting laid

Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: none
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Take a guess.

Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or female?
Witness: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male.

Attorney: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral

Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last.

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law!

[N2XBW]

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder
and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in
the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they
got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

>>This message contains100% Post-Consumer recycled electrons.<<

[Minnie's Mate]

A lot of children

Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy *again*, remarried ... And this time, she & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied...

"I think he means her *legs*, Ethel...."

[N2XBW]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

This week, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.

It was quite obvious he was trying to put one over on me so I told him:
" just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

Then I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year. Namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him.) There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

He didn't call back. Guess I proved to him who was the smart one huh?

[Minnie's Mate]

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."

"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."

[N2XBW]

Sean O'Byrne fell asleep during mass and was quite loudly snoring.

Father Fitzpatrick became miffed at the racket, stopped the service and called out to Mrs. O'Byrne to wake her husband.

"You best come wake him, father," she replied. "After all, 'twas you put him asleep!"

[Minnie's Mate]

I wonder if the Easter Bunny gets workers comp?

[Cantrell]

Did you hear about the two antennae that got married?
The wedding wasn't that great but the reception was EXCELLENT!

[N2XBW]

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

[ROBERT CROSS]

My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....

[N2XBW]

Jethro and Lula-May decided to stop with nine children. They'd heard on the radio that every tenth baby born in the US is Hispanic, and neither of 'em can speak a word of Spanish.