Welcome! AS Comedy Club

[greywolf]

Originally Posted by ROBERT CROSS

FLORIDA....God's Waiting Room

That could be but I hope that the steamy HOT summers are no indication of my destination! I want this: and not this:!!!

[ROBERT CROSS]

Originally Posted by 68 Tradewind

That could be but I hope that the steamy HOT summers are no indication of my destination! I want this: and not this:!!!

I FLA.

[Minnie's Mate]

Originally Posted by 68 Tradewind

That could be but I hope that the steamy HOT summers are no indication of my destination! I want this: and not this:!!!

Ditto. We are planning a move to Central Florida in the near future.

[N2XBW]

The Dam




This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read The State's letter before you get to the response letter.


State of Pennsylvania 's letter to Mr. DeVries:



SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2007.


Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..


We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.



Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:


Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/06 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania .

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.

(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the damed stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2007 ? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

[Verified true by snopes.com: Urban Legends Reference Pages: Beaver Dam Letter]

[safari57]

A young obviously down on his luck cowboy walks into the Denver cowboy corner cafe and orders the only thing on the menu he can afford - a cup of java and loads it up with cream and sugar to try to get something that resembles a food product into his stomach.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young starving cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and although apprearing slightly dazed, in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go on ahead and finish et up there young feller."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately gets very sick and puts the chili right back into the bowl.

The old cowboy looks up and quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

[ROBERT CROSS]

[Minnie's Mate]

Originally Posted by ROBERT CROSS

You know why E-85 contains 15% gasoline...so people won't drink it!

[N2XBW]

Summer Classes for Men

AT THE

ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED

by Monday, May 26,2008

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL

OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5

Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?

Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning

at 7:00 PM

Class 6

Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7

Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.

Open Forum

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8

Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.

Graphics and Audio Tapes.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?

Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11

Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.

Online Classes and role-playing

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion

Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.

Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14

The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.

Live Demonstration.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

[345bill]

I posted this on another thread, should of posted it here:

A Department of Water Representative stopped at a ranch and talked with a old rancher, who he told "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation."

The old rancher said, "Okay, but dont go in that field over there."

The water rep. said, "Mister, "I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card! This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?

The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.

Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the water rep. running for the fence and close behind was the ranchers bull. The bull was gaining on the water rep. with every step.

The rep. was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediatly threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....

YOUR CARD! SHOW HIM YOUR CARD!

[N2XBW]

I was in the bank the other day, and this Oriental woman was just ahead of me exchanging currency. She was madder than a hornet.

"How come, yessaday I pay one-hunna an sisteen yen fo one dolla, today you say is one-hunna an twenny-fo yen fo dolla!! How come, how come!!?"

The busy teller looked over the top of his glasses and flatly replied,
"M'am, fluctuations."

To which the now livid woman shouted, "Well fructumericans, too!"

[Phil and/or Sue]

Mickey was trying to explain why he was getting a divorce from Minnie.

"No, Judge, I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was eff'n Goofy!"

[Minnie's Mate]

Originally Posted by Phil and/or Sue

Mickey was trying to explain why he was getting a divorce from Minnie.

"No, Judge, I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was eff'n Goofy!"

Hey, watch that. In my family that kind of talk is heresy.

Besides, every child knows they aren't married. Just go to Toon Town in Walt Disney World and you'll see that they have separate houses next door to each other.

[N2XBW]

So then the doctor told me, "John, you have Attention Deficit Disorder."
And I replied, "Really? No kidding! ...Hey, I know, let's play Army!"

[Minnie's Mate]

A Kentucky couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed."

The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make this decision....why after 9 children would they choose to do this?

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the U. S. was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish!