I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy"
Then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling & Made funny noises....
I like the advice given by Jeff Foxworthy as to how to properly call in sick. Rather than some lame, pansie sounding stuff like "I think I may have a sore throat and cough", he recommends calling saying that even though you have "EXPLOSIVE DIARIA" you're still willing to come into work! The boss will say "oh hell no"! and that way it's the boss telling you not to come in and you look like a faithful employee!
I used the "he-man" smiley because it looks like he's taking a power dump!
__________________
Courtesy parking-- water, elect. and wi-fi.
To those who are about to Stream-I salute you!
I have a Labrador retriever & was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart, waiting in the check-out line. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, as the food is nutritionally complete. So, I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by Now enthralled with my story, especially a tall heavy man behind her.
Horrified, she asked how I'd ended up in the hospital; if I'd been poisoned.
I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my xxxx and a car hit me. The tall guy nearly had to stagger out of the store, oxygen-depleted from laughter.
I paid for the food and left a lot of smiles behind me
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, "the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his and to his surprise and delight she actually listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies. . . . . . "
"You just happened to catch my eye."
__________________ You never hear of people dieing in their Airstream, only at home and in hospitals. So, live long by getting out and enjoying your Airstream.
Barry & Donna Life is short - so's the door on an Flying Cloud (ouch)
A guy is driving around in the back country and he sees a sign in front of a run-down farm house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He pulls into the yard and finds the owner sitting on the front porch sippin’ a beer. Wordlessly, the owner directs him to the backyard.
The fellow goes around back and sees a well-groomed Labrador retriever sitting there in the shade of a tree.
"So, do you talk?" he asks.
"Quite," the Lab replies.
"Wow! What's your story?"
The Lab cocks his head and answers in a crisp British accent, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was just a pup. I saw a James Bond movie and dreamed of working for the government. I found my way to Washington, DC and told the CIA about my gift. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. Certainly, no one ever imagined a dog would be eavesdropping. I was among their most valuable assets for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a homeland security job at the airport to do some undercover work wandering near suspicious charactersand listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a family, and now I'm retired."
The guy is truly amazed. He returns to the front porch and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? He asks, dumbfounded. “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"I’m selling him because he's a damn four-legged, tail-waggin’ liar. He ain’t never done nothin but watch them spy shows on TV all day."
A man walks into a pet store wanting to buy a parrot. The owner explains to the man that this bird was owned by a nun who taught the parrot to say the 23 Psalm if you pull the string tied to it's right foot and will recite the Lord's prayer if you pull a string tied to the bird's left foot. "Well I ain't never heard of that", says the man, "this parrot must have quite a vocabulary!" Then the man asks "What would happen if I was to pull both strings at the same time?" To which the parrot yells out, "I'd fall down on my damned a$$, you dumb....!"
__________________
Courtesy parking-- water, elect. and wi-fi.
To those who are about to Stream-I salute you!
The French-Canadian Louis LeVac walks into a pub in South Boston and orders three draft beers.
The barkeep complies with his request, but asks, "If you're going to drink all three, why not order one at a time? They'll be fresher that way."
LeVac replies, "Waal, you see dis t'ing she be lak' dis. One my brodder, he's 'ome on Quebec. My odder brodder, he's work de wood' up on de Yukon. So we mak' de pledge. One night de week we each sit down lak' dis 'ere and 'ave t'ree beer lak' we togedder."
LeVac then begins toasting in French, sipping one beer, the next, then the next; raising the glasses high, until each is empty.
Impressed by the pledge of the three brothers, the barkeep and patrons take an immidiate liking to the affable LeVac.
This ritual goes on weekly at the same pub and soon LeVac is a welcomed regular. Then, one night he comes in and orders only two drafts.
The place goes silent. The barkeep quietly asks, "Which of your brothers passed on, Louis? We're all so sorry to hear."
LeVac roars in laughter and replies, " Haw-haw, I t'ink you mak' de gran' mistake! Dem brodders mine, de're bot' OK. It's me! I join de Church Baptis' an' now I not s'pos' to drink no more!"
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
" 1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
He asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."
"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me STD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, STD.
Well, the ADA found out about the STD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, STD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the STD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling, STD.
Then the STD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Plain Fred."
Quick Links
you're still willing to come into work! The boss will say "oh hell no"! and that way it's the boss telling you not to come in and you look like a faithful employee! 
Spend it wisely! 
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? 
LOST IN THE SIXTIES
2006 3/4 Burb 8.1
Dog Food Diet 
Linear Mode
