Welcome! AS Comedy Club

[vonkamp]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

[azflycaster]

Originally Posted by chuck

Ouch! you wrecked it. gotta tell it this way:

...new divorced barbie. comes with:

-Ken's house
-Ken's car
-Ken's boat
-Ken's RV....


Its more effective when you actually "itemize".

of course, now that I've dissected the joke, its not funny at all anymore

You left out the montly payments.

[bake315]

Two elderly women are leaving bingo,and on their way home
the woman in the passenger seat noticed that the
her friend the driver had just run a red light.
She didnt think too much of it, and decided not to say anything.
As they drove on, she noticed that her friend had run yet another
red light.. She became rather perplexed, yet the women kept her thoughts to herself and resumed the ride. As the woman blew through still another red light she became really alarmed and said..

"Gladys why do you keep running all those red lights??"

to which Glady's responds,

"HOLY S***! AM I DRIVING?"

[Poor Royal]

Lol?

Guy searching for Jesus all of his life. A drunk bum on a corner hears him talking and says " your search is over , I'm Jesus". Guy says you can't be Jesus. Bum says come with me son and walks the guy into the corner bar. As they walk through the door the bartender looks up and says "Jesus you back again.

[Roscinante]

The loaded Airsream pulled into the campground. Instantly, the four kids jumped out and begain setting up camp. Racing here and there grabbing the gear from the TV and putting everything in place.

A nearby camper in an SOB (of course!) took notice and wandered over to talk to Dad.

That is QUITE an impressive display of teamwork by your family. What is your system?

Dad just smiled and said, "No one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

[safari57]

>>>> A Senior Christmas!!!
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> *'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,*
>>>> *And all of us seniors were looking our best.*
>>>> *Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;*
>>>> *Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.*
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> *A bed sock was taped to each walker; in hope*
>>>> *That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.*
>>>> *We surely were lucky to be there with friends,*
>>>> *Secure in this residence and in our Depends.*
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> *Our grandkids had sent us some Christmassy crafts,*
>>>> *Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.*
>>>> *The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,*
>>>> *And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.*
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> *The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row,*
>>>> *Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.*
>>>> *Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --*
>>>> *Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.*
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> *Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,*
>>>> *Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.*
>>>> *The social director then had us play games,*
>>>> * Like "Where Are You Living?" And "What Are Your Names?"*
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> *Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,*
>>>> *Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.*
>>>> *Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair,*
>>>> *In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.*
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> *Security lights on the new fallen snow*
>>>> *Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.*
>>>> *Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter*
>>>> *But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter.*
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> *A strange little fellow flew in through the door,*
>>>> *Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.*
>>>> *Twas just our director, all togged out in red.*
>>>> *He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.*
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> *We knew from the way that he strutted and jived*
>>>> *Our social security checks had arrived.*
>>>> *We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,*
>>>> *Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.*
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> *And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds*
>>>> *While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.*
>>>> *And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest;*
>>>> *'Fore long you'll be with us, we wish you the best.*
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> * Author Unknown*

[ALANSD]

A woman serving Christmas dinner asks her husband to spoon the Hollandaise sauce out into a small white dish and bring it in. He grabs a big metal plate to put it on instead, she questions his choice of dishes...he answers " there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise"

[SafeHarbor]

A elderly man in Florida calls his son in New York. The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you this, but we've had some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you this in advance, so you and your sister won't freak out when I move out."

He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news.

The sister says, "I'll handle this!"

She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING until we get there! We'll be there Wednesday night."

The father agrees, "All right." He hangs up the phone and looks at his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"

Lamar

[dieterdog]

Hi,,, here tis, on the ceiling, above the examining table in my ob/gyns office,,,, a bird in the hand is worth,......... about 3 Kleenex,,,, honest, it was there,, and i almost fell off the table,,, donna

[overlander63]

A guy walks into a bar carrying a set of jumper cables. The bartender looks at him and says, "Don't try starting anything in here!"

[overlander63]

A priest, a rabbi, a shark, and a bear walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

[overlander63]

A guy walks into a bar carrying a small box. The bartender asks him what is in the box. The man says "It's the keys to a new car. I got it for my wife."
The bartender says "Good trade."

[overlander63]

Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stomp out forest fires.
Why do Elephants have flat feet?
To stomp out burning ducks.