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Old 01-22-2008, 05:52 AM   #253
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How do you get your date's eyes to sparkle?

Shine a light in her ear.
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Old 01-22-2008, 09:02 PM   #254
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Old 01-22-2008, 10:06 PM   #255
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Thumbs up Law

The "Practice" of law..



ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep,

he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
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“After all these years the reason I continue to love Thanksgiving.....I still sit at the kids table.”
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Sandra wanted to go to Cleveland on vacation,
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Old 01-23-2008, 01:30 PM   #256
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Every time my dog passes gas he turns around to see where the noise is coming from...yes, he is blond.
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Old 01-23-2008, 01:32 PM   #257
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The traffic cop walks up to the truck window,
"Good afternoon sir, do you have any ID?"
To which the hillbilly replies, "'Bout whut?"
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Old 02-02-2008, 07:21 PM   #258
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"Congratulations," said Kelly, rapidly shaking O'Malley's hand, "The angels are smilin' over you, sure. Now, was it the lottery or the horses? Maybe the cards that paid off?"

The thoroughly mystified O'Malley stood with mouth agape. Regaining some of his composure, he stuttered, "W-w-well now Kelly, I havent the foggiest of what you mean. And where would you get such an idea? What have I won?"

Kelly smiled, "That I don't know lad, but I overheard a couple of the boys at Hartigan's say 'What a &%$#*& winner that O'Malley is!'"
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Old 02-04-2008, 09:46 AM   #259
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George W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whore house.

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"

Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whore house smells like."
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Old 02-04-2008, 06:39 PM   #260
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With all the talk about G.P.S., sometimes we forget the simple things, like a compass.
The Tates Instrument Co. of Utica, NY was a late 19th century maker of specialty compasses. Their "Explorer" model was especially popular with expeditions into Africa, Amazonia, and other "blank spots" on the Victorian map.
The PROBLEM was however, the Tates Explorer model was highly INACCURATE! This inaccuracy led to the oft heard saying: "He who has a Tates is Lost."

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Old 02-06-2008, 11:58 AM   #261
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I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy"
Then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling & Made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde)! asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss

might think I was "Crazy" & give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are

you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out."
Go home & recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down & walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, The Boss asked her "...And

where do you think you're going?!"

(You're gonna love this...)



She said,
"I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!!
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Old 02-06-2008, 03:57 PM   #262
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Remember, folks.
If you ever pass my house...
Thank you!
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Old 02-07-2008, 09:13 PM   #263
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So..........how goes your retirement planning?

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock, 1 year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. WorldCom would have netted you less than $5.00 and Delta Airlines stock would provide $49.00.

However, if you had purchased $1,000.00 of beer, 1 year ago, drank all the beer, turned in the cans for the aluminum re-cycling refund = $214.00 profit.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.

It's called the 401-Keg plan.
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Old 02-08-2008, 11:29 AM   #264
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Cowboy Shopping


I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go -
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"

So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, "I'll be back by three."

Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
I worked me up a sweat.

I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
"I'm here to buy a bra."

From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!

"What kind would you be looking for?
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
"Thought bras was bras," I said.

She gave me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me," I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had Bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."

"Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!"

I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.

"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."

My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.




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Old 02-14-2008, 10:42 AM   #265
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Makes you want to go hunting


Posted by a guy in Oklahoma:

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer,
put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill
it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I
figured that since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem
to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes
come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of
the truck not 4 feet away) that it should not be difficult to rope one,
get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie
it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the
end with my rope. The cattle, who had seen the roping thing before,
stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20
minutes my deer showed up - 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking
one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The
deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my
waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still
just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned
about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took a
step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an
education. The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just
stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to
action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for
pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt
in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with some dignity.
A deer, no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled.
There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it! As it
jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it
occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an
idea as I originally imagined. Did you know there's cactus plants in Oklahoma?

The only up side is that they do not
have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was
tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I
managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was
mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

At that point I had lost my taste for corn fed
venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that
rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its
neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time,
there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I
hated the thing and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had
cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various
large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, and ignoring the hundreds

of little cactus (cacti?) needles sticking out of my face, chest, arms and legs,
I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared
some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I
didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death so I managed to get
it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I
had set beforehand. Kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in
there and started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never
in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody so
I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the
deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not
like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A
deer bites you and shakes its head - almost like a pit bull. They bite
HARD and it hurts. The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is
probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried a more common method of

screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting
and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim
by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my
right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer
behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet.
They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and
shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a
long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you with their
hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to
make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This
will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was
not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery would not
work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.
I screamed like a little girl and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to
turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good
chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so
different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and three
times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in
the back of the head and knocked me down. Now when a deer paws at you
and knocks you down it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does
not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw
your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying
like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl
under the truck and the deer went away.

Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up.
My scalp was split open front and back, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was
bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly
bruised), I looked like my granny's pincushion and my back was bleeding in a few

places, though my now ripped to shreds insulated
canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it.

I drove to the nearest place, which was the
Co-Op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking
like ****. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came
running out yelling, "What happened?" I have never seen any law in the
state of Oklahoma that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer.
I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely.
Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go
to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to
twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal. I swear...not
wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid played no
part in my response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer". I did not
mention that at the time I had a rope on it. The evidence was all over
my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all
over me and a large deer hoof print on my face where it had struck me
there. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn't think I
could make it home on my own. He did. My wife wasn't home so

the neighbor came and got me.

Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at
my house and wanted to know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer
attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the
event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I
could. I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere
and just started kicking the **** out of me and BIT me. It was
obviously rabid or insane or something.

EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer
attack (the guy at the Co-Op has a big mouth). For several weeks people
dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local
ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told
several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see
these people every day and as an outsider - a "city folk". I have
enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and
whispering, "There is the dumba** that tried to rope the deer!"



By the way, my wife got a new truck and a fur coat for Valentines
Day, things she'd been asking for for quite some time. After her cast was off she also got a week at a wonderful spa with her lady friends as I
felt she was such a wonderful woman and had added so much to my life
that I wanted to give her and her friends something special.

My wife gave me something very special too.

The video clip she happened to take when she was bringing me out my
thermos of coffee I'd forgotton on the counter.

And you ask why she didn't try to help me during or immediately after
the "attack"? She was laughing so hard she fell over a stump and broke
her leg.


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Old 02-14-2008, 01:37 PM   #266
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Two fellows, Shulemann and Birnbaum, worked for years together as partners in the fur business in the garment district of New York City. Every New Years Day after the Christmas rush they would pack the wives into the Cadillac, Packard or Lincoln, and head off to Miami Beach for two, three months.
This went on for years.

So in those days, there was no air conditioning in the cars. About southern Virginia, the wives would start to whine about the heat, and all that could be done was to maybe roll down a window.

So one Monday in Miami Beach, the two fellows are sitting there playing gin rummy, and Birnbaum turns to Shulemann and says, “Shulemann, you know its refrigeration we got in the fur warehouse at home. Refrigeration we ourselves installed and fix when it breaks down. You think maybe we can place refrigeration in the car?

“Why not?” replies Shulemann, “It would give us at least something to do while our wives blow our money on the ponies!”

So the two set to work, assembling parts and fitting everything under the hood of the car. Finally after three or four weeks, like a charm it works!

So they head back north, but take a side trip to Detroit. They visit every automotive manufacturer and show off their invention.

"How much for the rights to this wonderful thing?" they are asked by all the companies. They answer, “Free, but you got to give us credit on the dash of each car you put this in!”

That is why, today even, you’ll see “Norm” & “Max” on the controls of every car with air conditioning!
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