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Old 12-23-2007, 05:03 PM   #239
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Old 12-30-2007, 07:00 PM   #240
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Dear Boss

Why I didn't show up for work yesterday:

I had 12 bottles of whiskey in my cellar, and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink...or else. So, I proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the excepition one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass, poured the cork from the bottle, corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, (which were 29) and as the house came by me.............I counted them again. Finally had all the houses is one bottle, which I drank.

I was not under the alcofluence of inchol, as some theople pink, I was not half so thunk as you might drink. I felt so feelish I didn't know who was me, and the drunker I stood there, the longer I got.



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Old 12-31-2007, 08:17 AM   #241
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Starkle, Starkle, little Pink
How the heck I are you think
I not under the affluence of inklehol like many thinkle pink I are
Besides, I have all sober to Sunday up!
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Old 01-06-2008, 03:06 AM   #242
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Old 01-06-2008, 03:07 AM   #243
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minnie's Mate
Starkle, Starkle, little Pink
How the heck I are you think
I not under the affluence of inklehol like many thinkle pink I are
Besides, I have all sober to Sunday up!
I'm not as think as you drunk I am!
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Old 01-06-2008, 10:30 AM   #244
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Last words between a motorist and a patrolman prior to the motorist's rapid trip to jail:

Patrolman: Hello sir, have you been drinking, I see that your eyes are bloodshot.

Motorist: No sir, I certainly have not been drinking....but have you been eating donuts, I noticed that your eyes are glazed!
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Old 01-07-2008, 10:06 AM   #245
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redeagle313
Last words between a motorist and a patrolman prior to the motorist's rapid trip to jail:

Patrolman: Hello sir, have you been drinking, I see that your eyes are bloodshot.

Motorist: No sir, I certainly have not been drinking....but have you been eating donuts, I noticed that your eyes are glazed!
OOOOOOH!!!!!
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Old 01-10-2008, 10:52 PM   #246
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Quote:
Originally Posted by love vintage
Dear Boss
Why I didn't show up for work yesterday:
I had 12 bottles of whiskey in my cellar, and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink...or else. So, I proceeded with the unpleasant task.
Source Unknown
It would have taken me much longer than one night to do that. I'd have to drink every bottle myself and pee in the sink! I'd still be getting the job accomplished but I would be the middle man in gettin it done.

A little boy write a letter to Santa asking for $100 so he can buy a bike himself since he knows Santa's sleigh is rather full as it is. A postal worker who assigned the task of sorting through all the letter addressed to Santa reads it and thinks it's cute so he sends the boy a $5 bill. Latter the boy writes a thank you letter back to Santa, "Dear Santa, thank you for sending me the $100, but wouldn't you know it, them b*$t*rd$ at the IRS took out $95 for taxes!"
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Old 01-14-2008, 04:50 PM   #247
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Because I'm A Man


Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in
the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long
after hypothermia has set in.
Calling AAA is not an option.
I will win.
__________________________________________________ _____________

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running
very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the
engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
If another man shows up, one of us will say to
the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things,
but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start.'
We will then drink a couple of beers and break
wind, as a form of holy communion.
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Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold,
I need someone to bring me soup and take
care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
You're a woman. You never get as sick
as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
__________________________________________________ _______________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied
upon to purchase basic groceries at the store,
like milk or bread. I cannot be expected
to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.'
For all I know, these are the same thing.
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Because I'm a man, when one of our
appliances stops working, I will insist on taking
it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost
me twice as much once the repair person
gets here and has to put it back together.
__________________________________________________ _______________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the
television remote control in my hand while
I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced,
I may miss a whole show looking for it,
though one time I was able to survive by
holding a *calculator instead
(*applies to engineers only)
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Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask
me what I'm thinking about.
The true answer is always either sex. beer, sex, sports, sex,
cars or sex. I have to make up something
else when you ask, so just don't ask.
__________________________________________________ ______________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to
ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of
it, I didn't... and if you are
feeling amorous afterwards . . then I
will certainly at least remember the
name and recommend it to others.
__________________________________________________ ________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing
is fine. The color is just fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.
Either pair of shoes is fine. Jewellery adds to the outfit,
any pieces are fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine.
It does not make your rear end look
too big. It was the pasta, cheezies and potatoes and
margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine.
You look fine. Can we just go now?
__________________________________________________ _________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all,
the year 2008, I will share equally in the
housework. You just do the laundry, the
cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming,
and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like
wandering around in the garden with a
beer, wondering what to do.
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This has been a public service message for
women to better understand men
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Old 01-14-2008, 07:24 PM   #248
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Along Those Same Lines..

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

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Old 01-17-2008, 12:51 PM   #249
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A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
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Old 01-17-2008, 04:03 PM   #250
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day.....

lying in hospitals, dying of nothing
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“After all these years the reason I continue to love Thanksgiving.....I still sit at the kids table.”
RLC

Sandra wanted to go to Cleveland on vacation,
but I’m the Husband, so we went to Cleveland.
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Old 01-21-2008, 07:51 PM   #251
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Jethro asks the boss for a day off tomorrow.
"My wife's going to have a baby," he announces.
The boss smiles and says, "Wonderful, take the rest of the week if you want."

Monday morning the boss asks, "Well, what was it?"
Jethro replies with a blank look.
"The baby, is a boy or girl?" he continues.

"Heck", replies Jethro, "We won't know that for 9 months!"
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Old 01-21-2008, 08:13 PM   #252
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hello in there....

I don't see a problem....
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“After all these years the reason I continue to love Thanksgiving.....I still sit at the kids table.”
RLC

Sandra wanted to go to Cleveland on vacation,
but I’m the Husband, so we went to Cleveland.
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