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Old 08-24-2007, 11:42 PM   #211
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Puns

PUNS INTENDED...

1. Two antennas met on a roof, Fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, But the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, And says: "A beer please, And one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." " That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "... Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing Next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially Inseminated This morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries An invisible woman. The kids were nothing To look at either.

10. Deja-Moo: The feeling that you've heard This bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage Trousers the other day, But I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital After a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor,doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco Last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish With no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other And says,"Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak Were chilly, so they lit a fire In the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, Proving once again That you can't have your kayak And heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts Checked into a hotel, And were standing in the lobby Discussing their recent Tournament victories. After about an hour, The manager came out of the office, And asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, As they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts Boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, And gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, And is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family In Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture Of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, She tells her husband That she wishes she Also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, You've seen Ahmal."


19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, Walked barefoot most of the time, Which produced an impressive set Of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, Which made him rather frail And with his odd diet, He suffered from bad breath... This made him A super-calloused fragile mystic Hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, There was the person Who sent twenty different puns To his friends, With the hope that at least Ten of the puns Would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!
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Old 08-25-2007, 12:57 AM   #212
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Quote:
Originally Posted by codybear
Hi Jerry,

Thnx..are you going to the 29 Palms rally!..check out the rally forums, and sign up and join in the fun
Codybear...can you point me to info on the 29 Palms Rally? I can't seem to find it in the rally list...

Sorry, no joke!

Thanks,
TB
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Old 08-25-2007, 08:26 AM   #213
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TBRich
Codybear...can you point me to info on the 29 Palms Rally? I can't seem to find it in the rally list...

Sorry, no joke!

Thanks,
TB
TB - Bad news - You missed it!
CB's post that you refer to was from 12/06. The rally was in 01/07.
It was a great rally and a little bit like Artic survival. It was in the teens at night.
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Old 08-25-2007, 10:21 AM   #214
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Old 08-25-2007, 12:08 PM   #215
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Anger Management:

One day the wife and I were discussing anger management
And I asked her, 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back.

How do you control your anger?'

She said, 'I clean the toilet bowl.'

I asked, 'How does that help?'

She said, 'I use your toothbrush'
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Old 08-25-2007, 03:27 PM   #216
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Quote:
Originally Posted by azflycaster
TB - Bad news - You missed it!
CB's post that you refer to was from 12/06. The rally was in 01/07.
It was a great rally and a little bit like Artic survival. It was in the teens at night.
Duh...thanks Richard...I guess I should look at dates of posts...that was before my time...

We'll get to one of these things yet!

TB
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Old 08-25-2007, 03:54 PM   #217
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A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for
several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she
confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his
reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of
money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide
child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how
he would Know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail Him a post card,
and write Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for Child
support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused
wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card
today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed
him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned
white and collapsed.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two With meatballs, one without! Request bread..."



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Old 09-18-2007, 12:25 PM   #218
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more Texas humor

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from [unnamed eastern city ] and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Poteet. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, "License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop," says the deputy. "License and registration, please."

The lawyer asks, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says. At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving sh*t out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
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Old 10-19-2007, 10:28 AM   #219
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Why men do not write Advice Columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila



WALTER'S DAILY HELPING OUR READERS COLUMN RESPONSE

Dear Sheila:

Thank you for your letter. I realize that this can be an extremely distressing situation and one that needs to be dealt with carefully and with considerable attention to detail. A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber, or the fuel injectors. I hope this helps.

Walter
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Old 10-30-2007, 09:09 AM   #220
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One day, the seven dwarfs left to go work in the mine. Snow White stayed home to prepare their lunch.
When she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.
Fearing the worst Snow White began calling out, hoping that some of the dwarfs had survived.
"Hello, hello," she called out. "Can anyone hear me? Hello." There was no answer.
Losing hope, Snow White, called again, "Hello, Is anyone down there?"
Just as she was about to give up, there came a faint voice from deep in the mine.
The voice said, "Vote for Hillary. Vote for Hillary."
Snow White, somewhat relieved, screamed out, "Oh, thank goodness, at least Dopey is still alive."

P.S. I'm a Republican if you haven't figured it out!
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Old 11-07-2007, 07:35 AM   #221
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Stop me if you’ve heard this one already

An Irishman walks past a pub…
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Old 11-07-2007, 07:36 AM   #222
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim & Susan
An Irishman walks past a pub…
Actually, I have never heard that line...

(or heard of it happening...)

Just kidding of course...
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Old 12-11-2007, 03:27 PM   #223
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Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and it's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are English, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and it's all organized by the Italians.
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Old 12-11-2007, 03:57 PM   #224
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A Lavish Gift....

Say Jack, I know youv'e been married a very long time

What's your secret?

Well... I always remember our wedding aniversary and

try to give a very lavish gift.

Like what?

Well for our 10th I gave my wife a trip to China.

Wow thats terrific.. What do you plan to do for your

50th.

Go get her.........

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