Welcome! AS Comedy Club

[N2XBW]

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs and draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess!

[ROBERT CROSS]

Why husbands shouldn't take messages...

[N2XBW]

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight.
After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the
Window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice,
"Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight
-lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two
sons, both judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce
himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Chief, United
States Navy, retired. Never married, two sons . . both Admirals.

Hoo-Ahh!

[Minnie's Mate]

Received this in an e-mail from a buddy of mine:

[Minnie's Mate]

He also sent this one, too:

[N2XBW]

If TWO IRS Agents are DROWNING, and you know you could only save ONE,
What would you do?
A] Read the Paper
B] Get a coffee

[Minnie's Mate]

Originally Posted by N2XBW

If TWO IRS Agents are DROWNING, and you know you could only save ONE,
What would you do?
A] Read the Paper
B] Get a coffee

C] Take a nap!

[mrmossyone]

Originally Posted by Minnie's Mate

C] Take a nap!

D) Say, What was I thinking, then, quite by accident mind you, hold myself up by placing my hands on their heads.

[N2XBW]

A wee Belfast boy came home from school in tears.
'What's the matter, son?' asked his mum.
'We were doing sums today, Mummy,' he said.
'And were they too hard then?'
'Well, the teacher said either I couldn't count, or I was stupid, or all three.'

[ROBERT CROSS]

We've had quite a bit of snow this weekend, so after snow blowing the

driveway and pad I went to Tim Hortins for coffee 'eh. I go there quite

often and know most of the morning servers.

Now ..... is a very bright young lady, a real go-getter. In her second year

at a local community college, works full time, volunteers at a senior center

& and is going to be an intern in Albany for a local congressman this Summer.

Our conversation turned to all the snow we've had, I said it's March after

all and we should be having at least a little bit of Spring. Jane replied,

"it's good that DST started early this year." When I asked why she said,

"well if the Sun ever does come out it may help melt some of the snow."

When I tried to explain that the days don't get longer all at once, I could tell

by her expression that it might take more time than we had, I turned smiled

at the others standing in line and thought, maybe she does have a future in

politics.

[N2XBW]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Cancun to thaw out during this miserable icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where They spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Mexico on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in the lobby, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the Floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: February 14, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

[Minnie's Mate]

A friend sent me this e-mail. It read:

"I went night clubbing last night.

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she
probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I ever had
a "Sportsman's Double?"
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
"Oh..." I said as my mind began to embrace the idea, 'No, I haven't.'
And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.
We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky
night.
We went back to her place.
We walked in.


She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

'Mom......you still awake'?"

[ROBERT CROSS]

FLORIDA....God's Waiting Room

[ROBERT CROSS]

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths:


1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.


2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

[greywolf]

Originally Posted by ROBERT CROSS

FLORIDA....God's Waiting Room

That could be but I hope that the steamy HOT summers are no indication of my destination! I want this: and not this:!!!

[ROBERT CROSS]

Originally Posted by 68 Tradewind

That could be but I hope that the steamy HOT summers are no indication of my destination! I want this: and not this:!!!

I FLA.

[Minnie's Mate]

Originally Posted by 68 Tradewind

That could be but I hope that the steamy HOT summers are no indication of my destination! I want this: and not this:!!!

Ditto. We are planning a move to Central Florida in the near future.

[N2XBW]

The Dam




This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read The State's letter before you get to the response letter.


State of Pennsylvania 's letter to Mr. DeVries:



SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2007.


Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..


We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.



Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:


Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/06 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania .

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.

(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the damed stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2007 ? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

[Verified true by snopes.com: Urban Legends Reference Pages: Beaver Dam Letter]

[safari57]

A young obviously down on his luck cowboy walks into the Denver cowboy corner cafe and orders the only thing on the menu he can afford - a cup of java and loads it up with cream and sugar to try to get something that resembles a food product into his stomach.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young starving cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and although apprearing slightly dazed, in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go on ahead and finish et up there young feller."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately gets very sick and puts the chili right back into the bowl.

The old cowboy looks up and quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

[ROBERT CROSS]