Sparky, several of my male friends and I recently crashed a "wig party" for a childhood friend of mine who is losing her hair because of treatment for breast cancer. I "conned" her brothers and her husband into all of us shaving our hair to show support for her predicament. Well, we showed up at the wig place just as all of the ladies were getting settled in. Everybody got a big kick out of us old, middled aged idiots shaving what little hair we had left. Why am I telling this tale of woe?
The owner of the wig shop had bumper stickers there that had the pink breast cancer ribbon on the them with the words "Save the Tatahs" printed out in large block letters. I informed the owner that this was the most politically incorrect bumper sticker I had ever seen! "How much do they cost again?!"
Jim
__________________
If you can't fix it with a hammer or a rivet, you have an electrical problem.
Young Doctor
A doctor was retiring and a younger doctor came in to replace him. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church." the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
A Priest, a Rabbi and a Minister walk into a bar, and the bartender says......
"What is this? A Joke?'
__________________ "If a man does not have an ideal and try to live up to it, then he becomes a mean, base and sordid creature, no matter how successful." Letter to his son Kermit, quoted in Theodore Roosevelt by Joseph Bucklin Bishop, 1915
Two rednecks from Florida (Go Dawgs!) were walking in a field and came upon a well.
One says "I wonder how deep that well is"?
The other said "I don't know. Lets find a rock and toss it in and listen for the splash".
So they found a rock and tossed it in.....nothing.
The first says "we need a bigger rock". (BFR, as doorgunner would say).
So they got a bigger rock....again....nothing.
The first then said "I saw an old transmission housing by that tree yonder. I'll bet it will hit bottom"!
So they drug it over and ,with all the strength they could muster, threw the tansmission housing in the well. A few seconds later they heard a splash.
The second said "Wow, that sure is a deep well". No sooner than he said that they heard a noise behind them, turned around, and barely escaped the fury of a charging goat. The goat was running so fast he couldn't stop so he fell in the well.
While the two rednecks were looking at each other in disbelief a farmer drove up.
The farmer said "Have you two seen a goat around here"?
The first said "Well...you ain't gonna believe this but we just had a goat charge us and he fell in that well"!
The farmer said " I don't think that it was mine. I had mine tied to an old transmission housing over there by that tree".
__________________
Rusty
Some days you're the windshield,
Some days you're the bug!
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man
answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,"
said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great
news. Which do you want to hear first?
"Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good
news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty- five pound
king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great
news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
__________________ Randy and Pat Godfrey
1st VP Florida Unit WBCCI# 7591 - AIR# 17017
2007 Safari SE 23' - Daisy
2006 Lincoln Mark LT - Hoke
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings, and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now, and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1000.00, is it okay if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options!"
WOMAN: "Great! And one more thing, the house I wanted last year is back on the market, They're asking $950,000!"
MAN: "Well then go ahead give them an offer for $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $50,000. It is clearly a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "Okay. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye. I love you too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
__________________ Randy and Pat Godfrey
1st VP Florida Unit WBCCI# 7591 - AIR# 17017
2007 Safari SE 23' - Daisy
2006 Lincoln Mark LT - Hoke
A young man walked into a store and said "I need an orange hat, a blue shirt, orange and blue pants, orange and blue suspenders, blue socks, and orange shoes"
The clerk said "you must be a Florida Gators fan"
"Yes, how did you know?" replied the young man.
The clerk answered "Because this is a Hardware Store!"
How do you get a University of Florida grad off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza!
__________________
Rusty
Some days you're the windshield,
Some days you're the bug!
1974: Long hair 2004: Longing for hair 1974: KEG 2004: EKG 1974: Acid rock 2004: Acid reflux 1974: Moving to California because it's cool 2004: Moving to California because it's warm 1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1974: Seeds and stems 2004: Roughage 1974: Hoping for a BMW 2004: Hoping for a BM 1974: The Grateful Dead 2004: Dr. Kevorkian 1974: Going to a new, hip joint 2004: Receiving a new hip joint 1974: Rolling Stones 2004: Kidney Stones 1974: Being called into the principal's office 2004: Calling the principal's office 1974: Screw the system 2004: Upgrade the system 1974: Disco 2004: Costco 1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1974: Passing the drivers' test 2004: Passing the vision test 1974: Whatever 2004: Depends
Rav, an RVer from San Jose, travels in his Airstream motorhome with a talkative, but foul-mouthed parrot. One day in a campground near Phoenix, AZ, the bird's swearing got to be too much for him. He grabbed it by the throat and yelled "Stop it!" But only minutes later, the bird was swearing again.
The next day, the bird yelled so loudly that the couple next door in a big SOB fifth wheel stopped by to demand its silence. Desperately, Rav locked the bird in a kitchen cabinet. But it didn't help: the bird kept right on swearing. The next day, the bird was even worse. So, as a last resort, Rav tossed it into his freezer. After five minutes, all was quiet. Worried the bird might be freezing, Rav took it out.
"I'm sorry," confessed the suddenly polite bird. "I promise to never swear again."
Rav was astonished. He couldn't understand the change in attitude.
"By the way," asked the parrot, "what did the chicken do?"
Lamar
__________________
1975 Argosy 28 "Argosy"
1979 Excella 500 31 "Betsy"
1992 Lincoln Mk 7 LSC
2003 Dodge 2500 Cummins "TowHog"
"Lucy Loosehair" the cat - Airstream mascot
Klaatu barada nikto
Quick Links
Linear Mode
