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Old 05-12-2007, 11:48 AM   #183
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A man has six children... A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?" His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

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Old 05-16-2007, 07:42 AM   #184
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A major research institution (MRI) has recently announced
the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to
science. The new element has been tentatively named
Governmentium.

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75
deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving
it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held
together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by
vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However,
it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which
it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium
causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when
it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years; it does
not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a
portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons
exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually
increase over time, since each reorganization will cause
some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists
to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons
reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical
quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.
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Old 05-16-2007, 08:39 AM   #185
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A businessman calls home from his hotel while away on business. When the son answers they exchange pleasantries and then he tells the boy, "Let me speak to your mother."
The boy replies, "Mom is upstairs in her room with the door locked with the neighbor and told me not to disturb them."
The man realizes what's going on so he tells the boy, "Put the phone down and go upstairs, stand next to the door and yell, 'Mom, dad came home from his trip early and just pulled in the driveway and come back and tell me what happens.'"
The boy does as he is instructed and the man hears the boy in the distance say what he was told. Next he hears a woman scream and a loud rumbling sound and a sudden thud. The boy comes back to the phone after a couple of minutes in tears. He picks up the phone sobbing. The man asks the boy what happened. Through his tears the boy says, "Mom ran out of the room naked and tripped and fell down the stairs, she landed against the wall at the bottom landing and her head is kind of twisted. She isn't moving. The neighbor jumped out of the bedroom window, he was naked too. But he didn't look first and didn't realize you had drained the swimming pool before you left so he is laying in the bottom and he isn't moving either. There is blood coming out of his head. I really think I should go now and call 911." The man immediately says, "Swimming pool, wait a minute, we don't have a swimming pool. Is this 770 555-3498?"

Dial carefully or live with guilt the rest of your life.
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Old 05-16-2007, 12:33 PM   #186
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Just my luck...

One dark, stormy, rainy night a buisnessman from the city was travelling down a single lane country road. All the sudden his car loses power and dies. Not having a cell signal or knowing where he was he started walking. He saw the lights of a farm house in the distance and decides to try it. When he knocks on the door an old farmer answers. He asked if he could stay the night then make arrangements the next morning to get his car fixed or towed into town. The farmer says "Yes, but I only have one spare bed and you'll have to share it with my overweight bisexual son".
The businessman runs away screaming "WRONG JOKE...WRONG JOKE!!!!"
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Old 05-16-2007, 01:09 PM   #187
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Queen Elizabeth of England likes to stay in touch with the common man so whenever she comes into contact with them she likes to make small talk. It is against protocol to speak to the Queen unless spoken to first so on the day that she was having her photo portrait made, she decided to strike up a conversation with the photographer. She said, "You know, my brother-in-law is really quite a photographer." The photographer replied without pause, "That ain't nothin' mum, my broth'in-law is quite a queen."
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Old 05-16-2007, 01:31 PM   #188
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The Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife... "When I die, I want you to
take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my
money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when
he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there -
dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got
ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put
it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they
rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all
that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on
my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the
casket with him."
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, he can spend it."
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Old 05-16-2007, 02:51 PM   #189
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Subject: The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued
this bulletin:

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear
conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising
hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and
keep alert of bears while in the field.
We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their
clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them.
We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in
case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear
activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between
black bear and grizzly bear manure: Black bear manure is smaller
and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear
manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper-spray."
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Old 05-16-2007, 03:20 PM   #190
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Quote:
Originally Posted by overlander63
A major research institution (MRI) has recently announced
the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to
science. The new element has been tentatively named
Governmentium.

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75
deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving
it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held
together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by
vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Hey, I resemble that remark. I need a committie to determine which particle I am
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Old 05-16-2007, 03:23 PM   #191
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2 more...

While walking in the Garden of Eden, God noticed Adam was lonely. So he walked over and told him "Adam, I'm going to create for you a partner. One who will service you every need, one that cooks, cleans, works hard all day, and through it all never complains, gripes, nags, or says no."
Adam said "Great,what it she going to cost?"
God said "Only one arm and one leg."
Adam said "Whew! Well.....what can I get for a rib?"


Oooooh Boy! I think I'm going to pay for that one.
While I'm on the ladies' poop list I may as well tell another one.



Why do they call it PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.


Sorry Gals. For what its worth, a girl told me the last one.
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Old 05-16-2007, 04:01 PM   #192
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At our house PMS stands for...

Punish
My
Spouse
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Old 05-16-2007, 09:13 PM   #193
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I'm crappy at telling jokes... I'll just post a photo instead...

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Old 05-16-2007, 09:25 PM   #194
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Goin camping
At our house PMS stands for...

Punish
My
Spouse
I live with: One Wife
Three daughters
Two female cats

Around here it's refered to UMS--Ugly Mood Swing

Jim
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Old 05-16-2007, 09:28 PM   #195
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OK, stop me if you've heard this one.......

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Minister walk into a bar, and the bartender says......
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Old 05-16-2007, 09:38 PM   #196
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This is a true story from my high school classroom:

I'm teaching Freshmen, and the security guard walks in and asks for my student Maria. As Maria starts to leave I say to her, "You need to zip up your coat" (because the shirt under the coat is too revealing). She does so and leaves the class.

Another student who likes to be called 'Lil Scrappy says, "Miss Flanigan, why did she have to zip up her coat?" And I reply, "Well, Scrap, we have a rule here about needing to be modest." And he says, "Well, she can't help it. God Bless her for them big (can I get in trouble for this?) Ti**ies."
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