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Old 04-16-2007, 09:41 AM   #169
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WOW!!! my hats off to you!

hope this doesn't offend anybody.

Fishing
A young guy from Alberta moves to Vancouver and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alberta ."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing."
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Old 04-20-2007, 10:06 AM   #170
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A guy walks into a bar and yells, "All lawyers are a**holes!"
A customer in the bar says, "Hey, I resent that."
"Why, are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm an a**hole!"
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Old 04-20-2007, 03:26 PM   #171
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Viagra Coffee This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?" "Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
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Old 04-20-2007, 03:26 PM   #172
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Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the
worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the
letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you . I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew
you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight
motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's
not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very
happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has
opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll
be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live
nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science
will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday
I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your
grandchildren.

Love, Your Son David

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe
to come home.
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Old 04-23-2007, 04:32 PM   #173
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gmorris
Viagra Coffee This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?" "Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
Gee, I knew McDonalds' coffee was hot, but I never knew!
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Old 04-23-2007, 04:39 PM   #174
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Yah Tom, reminds me of the Ole & Lena joke of similar ilk: Ole gave up romance for lent. Been a too lo-o-ong time... Lena bent over the vegetable crisper... couldn't resist. No longer welcome at Safeway.
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Old 04-23-2007, 05:00 PM   #175
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You might be a redneck if the Bluebook value of your truck changes with the amount of gas you have in it!

G
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Old 04-24-2007, 10:15 AM   #176
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You might be a red neck if your wife is 5'-4", but still gets her hair caught in the ceiling fan.
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Old 04-30-2007, 03:10 PM   #177
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The journey of a thousand miles begins with a flat tire and a dead battery.
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Old 05-03-2007, 04:06 PM   #178
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Have you heard this one....

A first time parachuter makes his first jump. When he pulls the ripcord...nothing happens. Quickly he pulls the emergency cord....again...nothing happens. As he is falling toward the earth in a freefall he spots a man going up just as fast as he is falling down. He yells "hey, do you know anything about parachutes"! The guy replies " no...do you know anything about the gas system on an airstream camper"!

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Some days you're the bug!

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Old 05-05-2007, 10:44 PM   #179
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Dangerous Computer Viruses

Hillary Clinton Virus: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later in another directory

O. J. Simpson Virus: You know its guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.

Paul Revere Virus: This virus doesn't horse around, warns you of impending attack. One if by LAN, twice if by C.

Politically Correct Virus: Never identifies itself as a "virus" but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism"

Government Economist Virus: Nothing works but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Gallup Virus: 60% of the PC's infected will loose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error)

Texas Virus: Makes sure that its bigger than any other file.

Adam & Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.

Airline Luggage Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS Virus: Your program stops running every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to surface a shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Ollie North Virus: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

Nike Virus: Just does it.

Sears Virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and shocks.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your program can never be found again.

Kevorkian Virus: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy

Star Trek Virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.00.
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Old 05-06-2007, 02:24 AM   #180
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Any ship can be a minesweeper--Once.
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Old 05-06-2007, 07:11 AM   #181
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Skydiving


A redneck wanted to learn how to skydive, so he got an instructor and started taking lessons. The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his ripcord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The redneck understood and was ready.
The time came for the redneck to jump out of the airplane. The instructor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane, and after being in the air for a few seconds he pulled the ripcord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his ripcord, but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the redneck.
The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his parachute, “So you wanna race, eh?”
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Old 05-12-2007, 10:59 AM   #182
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As a retired mechanic, I found these daffynitions very amusing:


Tool Glossary

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.

DREMEL TOOL - A very useful tool for modellers which allows them to
make more mistakes much faster, thereby turning $100 kits into spare
parts, and completely justifying the purchase of another $100 kit.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your can drink across the room, splattering it
against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Also used as replacement
for screwdriver.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing
oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to
strip out Phillips screw heads.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the
conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 inch socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about
the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW!
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