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Old 04-05-2007, 01:54 PM   #155
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A customer walked into the showroom of a swedish car dealership. He was very specific about what make car he wanted, and what color. He told the salesman he had only ever owned that particular brand and color car ever since he had been driving. When the salesman asked why, he replied,
"There's just something about an aqua Volvo, man!"

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Old 04-08-2007, 12:58 PM   #156
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We had a foot of snow last night which reminded me of this joke

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
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Old 04-08-2007, 01:32 PM   #157
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Quote:
Originally Posted by streamer23
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
We saw the video of that. It was hilarious. That poor woman, the look on her face, and the laughter in the background.........

Thanks for reminding me.

Barry
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Old 04-08-2007, 10:15 PM   #158
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It was entertainment night at the Senior Center, and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.


As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike
most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each one of you to keep your eye on this antique watch.


It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred
pieces..........................


"Crap!" said the hypnotist...


It took three days to clean up the senior center.
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Old 04-10-2007, 01:03 PM   #159
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
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Old 04-10-2007, 01:45 PM   #160
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Two peanuts walking down the road. One was a salted
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Old 04-11-2007, 04:19 PM   #161
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Signs

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
*****************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
**************************

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************


On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you soon will be."
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."


**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,

"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

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Old 04-11-2007, 04:22 PM   #162
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.
“What do you think?” I asked. “Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You’d never get it all in one.”
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Old 04-11-2007, 04:31 PM   #163
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Quote:
Originally Posted by airstreamers
. “Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You’d never get it all in one.”
So when is the memorial service?
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Old 04-11-2007, 04:34 PM   #164
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already had it! the following sums it up:

A hospital posted a notice in the nurse’s lounge saying: “Remember, the first five minutes of a human being’s life are the most dangerous.” Underneath, a nurse had written: “The last five are pretty risky, too.”
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Old 04-12-2007, 08:42 AM   #165
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Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living
room and I said to her,

I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

She's Such A #&*%#......
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Old 04-12-2007, 10:20 AM   #166
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Found this one in my "inbox" this morning:

The following is an ad that appeared four days in a row in a
real-life newspaper -- the last three hopelessly trying to
correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for
sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly who
lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad
yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale
cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with
him after 7 PM."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has
received several annoying telephone calls because of the
error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands
correct as follows: "For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing
machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask
for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for
sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the
phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs.
Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!
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Old 04-12-2007, 10:23 AM   #167
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HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my G**."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".
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Old 04-16-2007, 09:05 AM   #168
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Quote:
Originally Posted by airstreamers
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my G**."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".
I must disagree with this student as there have been many times when I have witnessed Hell breaking loose on me...after all, I am married and as everyone knows, Hell hath no furry like a woman scorned. I also work with several women . That, too, explains some of the incidents where I have witnessed all Hell breaking loose on me . Now, I also have witnessed Hell freezing over on those occasions when I have been told that certain events in my life would only occur when Hell freezes over. To prove this, I have received several promotions and several raises in my career . As before stated, I am also married and am the father of two.

Therefore, I propose that since I have witnessed both 1 and 2 in my life Hell is very dynamic and most likely cyclical in nature. It absorbs heat to the point that all Hell breaks loose and gives off heat to the point that Hell freezes over. It is both endothermic and exothermic!
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