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Old 03-02-2007, 06:51 AM   #141
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I've noticed that Politicians don't look any sharper on my High Definition TV...
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Old 03-17-2007, 10:09 AM   #142
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In honor of March 17th...

What does everybody sit on outdoors on St. Patrick's Day?
Paddy O'Furniture...
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Old 03-17-2007, 05:35 PM   #143
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Given the day and all I thought this was appropriate:
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Old 03-19-2007, 04:26 AM   #144
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In honour of the Irish, a Limerick:

There was an old man with a beard...

Who said, "it is just as I'd feared...

two Larks and a Wren...

two Owls and a Hen...

have made their nest in my beard!"
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Old 03-19-2007, 04:28 AM   #145
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What does the nurse say to Terry when she wants him to take his meds?

"Get off your horse and drink your milk!"
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Old 03-19-2007, 12:29 PM   #146
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You know, the other night we ate at a Mexican restaurant and they had the Spanish words on the various doors for entrance and exit and bathrooms (men's and womens) and under each, they had the English translation. On the door that went to the outdoor dining it read "el patio" and directly underneath it also read "patio". I guess they figured us green-gos couldn't figure that one out either!
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Old 03-30-2007, 11:30 AM   #147
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THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!

We Must Stop This Immediately !

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection . . . well, REALLY NOW-even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!
All I can do is pass along this warning:

WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were.
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Old 03-30-2007, 05:16 PM   #148
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Talking

It's so cold out that the liberals have their hands in their own pockets!
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Old 03-30-2007, 05:21 PM   #149
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It's so dry here the trees are following the dogs...
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Old 03-31-2007, 01:33 AM   #150
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dudebb
It's so cold out that the liberals have their hands in their own pockets!
Yeah, but that ain't because it's cold...
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Old 04-02-2007, 02:48 PM   #151
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Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind the Argosy so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls." It was at that moment, crouching behind my propane tanks, that I noticed that the LP line appeared to have a hairline crack near the valve.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it in to have a pro look at it?
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Old 04-02-2007, 10:33 PM   #152
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Mistral Blue

I'll bet Abby was scratching her head on this one. I mean, with the cost of professionals nowadays versus doing it himself I'm sure she'd be as torn as he was. You know, maybe one of his wife's "friends" is a gas fitter........

Barry
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Old 04-03-2007, 10:09 AM   #153
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Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the
local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her
clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."
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Old 04-03-2007, 12:45 PM   #154
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Have You Seen My Cat?

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