That's Not Funny, That's Sick!

[N2XBW]

That's Not Funny, That's Sick!
The Piggy flue
Got'cha down?
Have a smile
Instead of a frown

Here's the place for Oddball Stories, Sick Jokes, and Jokes about BEING SICK.

Keep it "G-Rated" Please!

[N2XBW]

Choose your partners, one and all,

Aspirin, Advil, or Tylenol!

Now fling those covers with all you've got,

One minute cold, the next minute hot,

Circle right to the side of the bed,

Grab the tissues and Sudafed.

Back to the middle and don't goof off;

Hold your stomach and cough, cough, cough.

Forget about slippers, dash down the hall,

Toss your cookies in the shower stall.

Remember others on the brink;

Wash your hands; wash the sink.

Wipe the doorknob, light switch too,

By George, you've got the it,

you're doing the Flu!

Some like it cold, some like it hot;

If you like neither, get the shot.

[N2XBW]

The local wino came into the saloon to beg the barkeep for "just one little drink."

The barkeep, a bully of a fellow, told him he'd get a drink from the bar if he'd take a drink from the spitoon first.

The boozer looked at the spitoon, looked at the bottles behind the bar, and picked up the spitoon.

His adam's apple bobbing, he proceeded to drink the entire contentents of the spitoon. He threw the empty brass cuspidor on the floor with a resounding clang.

Dumbfounded, the bartender exclaimed, "You only had to take one sip, why did you drink the whole thing?!"

Wiping his chin, the drunk explained, "I couldn't help it, it was all in one piece!"


Now THAT'S Sick!

[N2XBW]

Q. What's the difference between broccoli and boogers?

A. Kids won't eat broccoli.

[N2XBW]

[richie rich]

Take a sniff. Test your snout. Is the dead sauerkraut dude about ?

[N2XBW]

Originally Posted by richie rich

Take a sniff. Test your snout. Is the dead sauerkraut dude about ?

I take a breath of air divine,,
And find my sniffer's working fine.

The sauerkraut dude is far afield
No noxious fog does nose reveal.

So breathe I do and look around,
To see if Richie Rich is found.

The coast is clear come out, come out!
We're free of putrid sauerkraut!

[richie rich]

Sauerkraut fumes in ghostly form are florescent green and quite warm. Putrid? Yes, and quite alot. It fills the nostrils full of snot. Blow one's nose with thine hank. Surely,thine results are rank. Thou thoughtest I were not about, alas I am,so wipe thy snout. Carry on.

[N2XBW]

I'm hungry 'nuf t' suck the pus n' snot out of a road kilt possum's snout three days dead. ~ Uncle Floyd

[richie rich]

The corpse of a cow in the afterlife night above Uranus,with which I plummet it's belly with shackles that chain us. From it's bowels three greasy possums emerge and splashed about and out the anus. To find such a scene was quite nuts. I'd toss my kraut,but I have no guts. Carry on.

[N2XBW]

Q. Why do Scots wear kilts?

A. The sound of zippers spook the sheep.

[N2XBW]

Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse..

She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry.

He'd been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

He'd been cheatin' with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger's sad sordid tale was all over the news.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.

Despite all his cryin' and beggin' and pleadin',
Tiger's wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden .

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If you're gettin' laid, then I'm gettin' paid."

She's not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.

[N2XBW]

Grandpa admired the gently falling Christmas Eve snow illuminated by his kerosene lantern as he took his evening trip to the outhouse.

As he approached his goal, he could the high-pitched sound of a voice calling for help.

Opening the facility's door the voice was now clear, a high pitched, "Help! Help!"

Peering down the hole in the bench, Grandpa saw a small hand waving. "Help! Get me out of here!" Squeeked the voice.

Not wanting to reach into the latrine, Grandpa lowered a stick, and the little hands quickly latched on to it.

As he pulled the little fellow out of the mire, a flash of red velvet, a touch of white fur
made the identification easy.

"Well, Santa! What are you doing in here, and on Christmas Eve?"

The little fellow replied, "Damn that Rudolph! I said the Schmidt house, the #%^%*^# SCHMIDT house!

[memgrove2000]

♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ Sing with me....Oh the weather outside is frightful, hot sex sounds so delightful, and when there's no one else you know, txt a ho, txt a ho, txt a ho ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥

this was stolen from Facebook

[N2XBW]

Grumpy old Mr. Claybottom lived on a busy residential street which had many families with kids of all ages. The kids were always riding bikes on his lawn, running through his garden after dogs or baseballs, or ringing his bell selling some overpriced goods for their school or clubs. Having called the city police so often to complain, they no longer even bothered to humor him by showing up.

Frustrated, he placed a call to his cousin, a city councilman with a reputation for getting things done by any means necessary.
After explaining the problem to the official, he received the cousin’s solemn vow that it would be dealt with within the week.

Sure enough, after less than a week, not only were all the kids avoiding him, but even most of the adults crossed the street rather than walk near his property.

Overjoyed at the results of his cousin the councilman’s intervention, he called him again.

“I don’t know how you did it, but not one of the neighbors bother me now. What in the world did you do?”

The councilman replied, ”It was really very simple. I had some handbills printed up naming you as a registered SEXUAL OFFENDER. Everyone on your block but you got one!”

[N2XBW]

It was well after midnight in the funeral home's preparation room. The assistant mortitian was just about to embalm the last body of the day when he heard a whistling sound.

As he listened more carefully it seemed to be someone whistling the tune "Dixie".

He checked the radio, but found it off. Likewise the sound system in the viewing rooms.

Realizing he still had work to do, he returned to the corpse only to discover the music much louder and clearer than before.

Leaning over the body, he realized the sound, the whistled tune "Dixie", was eminating from the dead man's anus.

Excitedly, the assistant called his boss. "Mr. Henry, you must come over to the preparation room immediately. There's something very unusual you must witness!"

Ten minutes later, a very thrown together Mr. Henry entered the room.

"OK, what in the world do you want me to see?"

"Over here, sir, listen!"

Sure enough, the corpse was playing "Dixie."

Anger took over as Mr. Henry shouted, "You mean to tell me you got me to come over here at two in the morning just to hear some a--hole whistle Dixie?!!!

[eubank]

Ok, I've got one, too. It's the latest in advertising by pharmaceutical companies in doctors' offices. See attached.

Lynn

[N2XBW]

While examining his elderly father's nursing home bill, the son discovered a daily charge for Viagra.

He immediately called the nursing home manager.

"Why in the world would a ninety-two year-old man need Viagra every day, if ever?"

The reply, "We give it to all the old geezers to keep them from rolling out of bed."