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Old 01-11-2010, 09:50 AM   #15
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Grumpy old Mr. Claybottom lived on a busy residential street which had many families with kids of all ages. The kids were always riding bikes on his lawn, running through his garden after dogs or baseballs, or ringing his bell selling some overpriced goods for their school or clubs. Having called the city police so often to complain, they no longer even bothered to humor him by showing up.

Frustrated, he placed a call to his cousin, a city councilman with a reputation for getting things done by any means necessary.
After explaining the problem to the official, he received the cousin’s solemn vow that it would be dealt with within the week.

Sure enough, after less than a week, not only were all the kids avoiding him, but even most of the adults crossed the street rather than walk near his property.

Overjoyed at the results of his cousin the councilman’s intervention, he called him again.

“I don’t know how you did it, but not one of the neighbors bother me now. What in the world did you do?”

The councilman replied, ”It was really very simple. I had some handbills printed up naming you as a registered SEXUAL OFFENDER. Everyone on your block but you got one!”
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Old 01-17-2010, 04:17 PM   #16
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It was well after midnight in the funeral home's preparation room. The assistant mortitian was just about to embalm the last body of the day when he heard a whistling sound.

As he listened more carefully it seemed to be someone whistling the tune "Dixie".

He checked the radio, but found it off. Likewise the sound system in the viewing rooms.

Realizing he still had work to do, he returned to the corpse only to discover the music much louder and clearer than before.

Leaning over the body, he realized the sound, the whistled tune "Dixie", was eminating from the dead man's anus.

Excitedly, the assistant called his boss. "Mr. Henry, you must come over to the preparation room immediately. There's something very unusual you must witness!"

Ten minutes later, a very thrown together Mr. Henry entered the room.

"OK, what in the world do you want me to see?"

"Over here, sir, listen!"

Sure enough, the corpse was playing "Dixie."

Anger took over as Mr. Henry shouted, "You mean to tell me you got me to come over here at two in the morning just to hear some a--hole whistle Dixie?!!!
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Old 01-17-2010, 04:31 PM   #17
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Ok, I've got one, too. It's the latest in advertising by pharmaceutical companies in doctors' offices. See attached.

Lynn
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Old 01-20-2010, 08:42 PM   #18
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While examining his elderly father's nursing home bill, the son discovered a daily charge for Viagra.

He immediately called the nursing home manager.

"Why in the world would a ninety-two year-old man need Viagra every day, if ever?"

The reply, "We give it to all the old geezers to keep them from rolling out of bed."
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