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Old 11-05-2009, 12:00 PM   #113
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A grandmother took her young granddaughter into the city for a 'girls day out'.

As they walked along the sidewalk, the say a group of 'ladies' on the corner dressed in their finest makeup and 'working' clothes.

The grandmother hurried the child into a cab, but she'd seen the women.

"Grandma, what were those ladies doing all dressed up like that on the corner?"

"Well dear, those ladies were waiting for their husbands to come along after work."

"Ah, c'mon lady," spoke up the cabbie, "Why don't you tell her the truth about those prostitutes?"

Picking up instantly on a new word, the little girl asked,"Do those prostitutes have children, Grandma?"

"Of course", replied the grandma, "That's were cabbies come from!"
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Old 11-12-2009, 08:22 AM   #114
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Old 11-14-2009, 11:07 AM   #115
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The State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on
the driver's window.


The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine...

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says:
'And her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a
lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'what's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The trooper asks: 'and you, miss, what's your age?'

The young woman looks at her watch and replies: 'I'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'
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Old 12-11-2009, 06:34 PM   #116
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best use for duct tape

DUCT TAPE USE #317

I have to tell you that I have
never seen abetter use forduct tape in my life.

Makes you want to require everyone to

carry a roll for emergencies...















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Old 12-12-2009, 01:46 PM   #117
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Company Memo

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 5, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty


Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 6, 2009

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty


Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 7, 2009

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.


Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: December 8, 2009

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first..

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: December 9, 2009

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing weirdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!



Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 12, 2009

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan
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Old 01-17-2010, 01:50 PM   #118
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My pet aligator has been sick and he can't eat or crawl very well.

Now the vet says this is more common in males, so is treating him for he reptile dysfunction.
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Old 01-26-2010, 06:55 PM   #119
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North Dakota Travel Guide

Things to see:


Things to do:
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Old 02-09-2010, 04:59 PM   #120
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A man had 50-yard-line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

This is incredible," said the man.. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head.

"No, they're all at the funeral."
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Old 02-12-2010, 10:32 AM   #121
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Talking Apple iPad

Awesome Apple iPad Facts!
Posted: 11 Feb 2010 11:01 PM PST
Even though it hasn’t been released yet, our crack staff has been able to piece together a group of facts that you might not know, but need to know.

The idea for the iPad came to Steve Jobs in a dream that featured Ricardo
Montalban in a Jamba Juice uniform riding a unicycle while juggling Bea Arthur’s dentures and shouting out suggestions for future Apple products. The same dream gave him ideas for such yet-to-be-produced products as the iMommy, an app that lets you edit the collective unconscious, and a USB Fairy Net, for capturing fairies that try and steal data from your computer.

Apple has a team of people carefully collecting every complaint about the iPad, printing them out on high-quality paper, and then sending them to the executive washroom to be used as toilet paper.

The iPad has a hidden feature that uses the same text-correction technology that allows the iPhone to guess what word you mean when you misspell it, except that it uses its knowledge of your previous behavior to actually write emails and texts for you. You will never again be saddled with the responsibility of answering any email that you don’t want to answer: If you leave in the default setting, it will answer any written communication you receive. Two users who have this feature turned on could have an entire relationship and never know about it until they checked their mailboxes and discovered they were in love. You can also limit it to only answer emails from social media experts, family members you’d rather not talk to, and Pauly Shore.

It is so indestructible that every policeman will be required to use it for protection in the same way Wonder Woman uses her bullet-deflecting bracelets.
When warned by the Apple marketing department that people would make jokes about the similarities between the “iPad” name and the names of various feminine hygiene products, Steve Jobs replied, “Our iPad is going to be so famous they’re going to have to change their names to avoid being confused with us. Perhaps instead of maxi pads, they can call their products maxi-Zunes! Ha ha ha ha ha!” Then Jobs flicked a programmer’s ear really hard, over and over again, until the programmer cried.

In the manufacturing process, the iPad factory has a secret tub of mysterious, sparkling liquid that is reportedly labeled “Awesome Sauce.” Each iPad is filled with a dollop of it before the screen is slapped on. It is not an environmentally-safe product, and exposure to it may have contributed to the eventual painful deaths of more than 100 workers.

When the number of iPads sold has reached critical mass, a secret app will be triggered. Immediately, all the iPads in the world will join together into one giant robot called iPaddius Rex that will, after a short war with an inevitable ending, enslave the Earth. At first, we will all struggle and complain, mostly because the robot will have no camera and be unable to run Flash programs. Over time, we will come to love the robot, and the world will enter an extended period of peace and prosperity.
- David Wahl
Monkey Goggles
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Old 02-14-2010, 11:27 AM   #122
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A brown bear is relieving himself in the forest, and he notices a rabbit watching him. as the bear finishes, he asks the rabbit, "Mr. Rabbit, does crap stick to your fur?"
The rabbit smugly replies, "Why no, Mr. Bear, crap doesn't stick to my fur!"

So the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes himself with him...
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Old 02-15-2010, 09:05 PM   #123
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Three construction workers, one of them a blonde, were complaining about the contents of their lunch boxes. The first one said, "I hate ham and swiss cheese. If I get ham and swiss cheese again tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off this building!"
The second said, "All I ever get in my lunch is bologna. If I get bologna again tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off this building!"
The blonde said, "peanut butter and jelly again! If I get peanut butter and jelly again tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off this building!"

The next day the three workers met for their lunches. The first one opened his lunch box, saw a ham and swiss cheese sandwich, and jumped off the top of the building, screaming, to his death.
The second worker opened his lunch box, found a bologna sandwich, and also ran off the roof of the building to his death.
The blonde opened his lunch box, and of course saw a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and, like the first two, leaped to his death.

At the funeral, the first man's wife was crying hysterically, saying, "If I'd known how much he hated ham and cheese sandwiches, I'd have never made another one for him!"
The second man's wife cried, "If I'd only known how much he hated bologna, I'd have never made him eat all those sandwiches! It's all my fault!"
The other two women then turned to the blonde's wife, who said, "Don't look at me! He made his own lunch!"
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