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Old 09-01-2009, 09:52 AM   #99
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Question: What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?

Answer: A crazy b***h who will find you!

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Old 09-03-2009, 03:14 PM   #100
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The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.
When I went into the ER, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.
I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker service.


It also works at the DMV and Laundromat.


Don't try it at McDonald's, the whole crew will exit and you'll never get your order.
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“After all these years the reason I continue to love Thanksgiving.....I still sit at the kids table.”
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Old 09-04-2009, 06:43 PM   #101
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The Little Blind Bunny

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

"Oh please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you,
but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself.. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft,
and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"

The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any b***s. So you must be a politician."

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Old 09-06-2009, 09:45 PM   #102
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Nice..I've enjoyed every single cute story posted
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Old 09-07-2009, 03:53 AM   #103
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"Doctor, my ears are ringing!"

"Whatever you do, don't answer!"
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Old 09-07-2009, 05:42 AM   #104
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the man was wheeled into recovery after a long surgery. as the young nurse approached his gurney, he groogley muttered "how are my testicles". finding the question odd, but not wanting to seem uncaring, the nurse gently lifted the sheet and looked under the man's gown. she responded " they seem just fine to me" cursiously the man looked at the nurse, and tried his question again, this time more deliberatly " how did my test's turn out"
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Old 09-07-2009, 02:22 PM   #105
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Down on The Bayou

So Boudreaux ask Thibidaux: "Why dem Scuba divers always fall backways off dem boats?"

To which Thibidaux replies: "You dumb Coo-nass - If dey fell forwards dey'd still be in de' boat."

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Old 09-08-2009, 12:31 PM   #106
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Wal-Mart has announced that sometime in late 2009 it will begin offering
customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.

The world's largest retail chain is rumored to be teaming up with the makers of Thunderbird to produce the spirits at an affordable price in the $2 to $5 range. " With this sucky economy there is a market for inexpensive
wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at the University of
Arkansas,Bentonville. "However, branding will be very
important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for
the Wal-Mart wine brand. The top ten names in order of popularity were:


10. Chateau de Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet Soveniagn

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar

2. Grape Expectations

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
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Old 09-08-2009, 07:18 PM   #107
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Two old guys,one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the young lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Italian bread "

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be awful hard."

He replied, "Man, I can't believe it! Everybody seems to know all about this stuff but me."

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Old 09-08-2009, 09:50 PM   #108
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Three natives were walking through the rainforest when they heard a loud "FOO, FOO" and a bird made a large deposit from above on the first native. He went to the river and washed himself clean. He immediately died.

The remaining two natives continued to walk and once again hear "FOO, FOO" and a bird made a large deposit on the second native. He, too, went to the river to wash it off. He also immediately died.

The only native left continued to walk and heard "FOO, FOO" and a bird made a large deposit on him. Having seen what happened to the other two he decided not to wash it off and he lived.

Moral of the story: IF THE FOO SH*TS, WEAR IT!
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Old 09-09-2009, 04:31 AM   #109
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cantrell View Post
Moral of the story: IF THE FOO SH*TS, WEAR IT!
That sounds like a quote from Confoosius.
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Old 09-18-2009, 06:25 PM   #110
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A Northern New Yorker was heading south in his AS Motorhome to escape winter. Asked how far he was going , he replied: "I'm gonna keep on heading south until someone asks me what the h&** that extension cord coming out my grill is for".
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Old 10-17-2009, 05:15 PM   #111
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A C, a G and an E-flat go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but
we don't serve minors."

So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.

An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying,
"Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this
relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and
exclaims, Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a
3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes.
The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company
downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development. "

This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realized in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even
accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons,
then the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much
treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.
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Old 10-28-2009, 05:50 PM   #112
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A lady takes a photo of her deceased father to a photo lab.

"Do you think you can enlarge this picture of my dad?" she asks. "And could you remove the Derby hat in the photo?"

"Of course, m'am. Our computer wizard can do unbelieveable work on old photos." replied the clerk. "By the way, what color was his hair?"

"Oh, won't you see that when you take his hat off?"
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